To the surprise of literally no one who knows me, I’m a dessert pizza guy. Who cares that I just ate four slices of a large meat lover’s pizza. I’m still going to suggest, much to the chagrin make of my friends and family, we get the Nutella and coconut pie too. I will then bring home the many leftovers and eat them that very same night. Why am I telling you all this, rather than living in quiet shame? It’s important context for what I’m about to say: an Iowa pizzeria has revived a unique, sweet pie that seemingly violates the Geneva Conventions. They sell a Froot Loops and cheese pizza. And even I wouldn’t order one for the table.
Fong’s Pizza, which has four locations in Iowa, has once again started selling its “Loopy Fruits Pizza” at its Forest Avenue location. The breakfast pizza (which we first learned about at USA Today) has returned, this time permanently, after more than five years off the menu. The memorable pie features a sweet cream cheese sauce, a heaping of Froot Loops cereal, with some Greek yogurt and condensed milk drizzled on top. That sounds pretty good! I’d normally take two. (Pizzas, not slices.) Except for the fact this pie also comes with mozzarella. And just so there’s no confusion, yes, we mean mozzarella cheese. Cheese. And cereal. Together. No, thank you.
Look, it’s well documented here at Nerdist that I am a food monster. I’ve eaten things the Devil wouldn’t serve in hell. I am quite possibly the last person who should be judging anyone’s weird food. But my problem is not that this is strange and unappetizing. That hardly seems to be the point of this concoction anyway. Look at the attention it’s generating for a small business. Good for them!
What upsets me about this pizza is that it’s so close to being awesome. Froot Loops, condensed milk, sweet cream cheese? Yeah. I’m making the table get that. For breakfast or dessert. Possibly even for breakfast dessert (an idea long overdue). But the addition of mozzarella cheese means this doesn’t qualify as either. This pizza exists for a meal that doesn’t exist and never should. And even I am too ashamed to eat something like that… in front of other people. Obviously I’d still try it alone at home.