Do you remember the first time you saw him? That body, those eyes, the mustache, that uniform. He’s what many of us refer to as the “total package,” a man who looks so iconic, memorable, and attractive that he’s burned right into your brain forever.
For some of us,
To celebrate the return of
Spoilers for all of
Stranger Things 3below.
Chapter One: Suzie, Do You Copy?
Hopper’s crush on Joyce cements itself almost immediately in season 3. Just watch how intently he watches her as she gives him advice on how to talk to Mike and Eleven–whose constant smooching is the newest source of Hopper’s aggravation. This is only arguably thirsty, but there’s nothing more attractive than a look of love. These two provide plenty more moments like these in
Later in the episode, Hopper flexes his authoritative muscles by putting Mike in his place after he disrespects him.
Chapter Two: The Mall Rats
This might just be the thirstiest episode of the season thanks to the appearance of The Shirt so please bear with us here. It all starts with this delightful montage of Hopper dancing in his car, looking extra fly because his conversation with Mike turned out exactly how he hoped–even though he ignored Joyce’s advise to get his own desired results.
But let’s be real. Hopper’s new floral shirt–which he specially ordered from J.C. Penney–is the highlight of this episode, and possibly this season. Just look how happy he is when it arrives in the mail.
The shirt gets a lot of screentime in this episode. This is thanks largely to Hopper’s failed date with Joyce at Enzos, an occasion for which he specifically purchased the pink and teal-patterned button-down.
Sadly, the date doesn’t go as planned. But we’re treated to some very amusing and attractive “stood up” Hopper moments. Like when he chugs wine and eats breadsticks.
And you know, maybe not thirsty to everyone, but Hopper drunkenly exacting his authority while clutching a bottle of chianti is certainly… gonna do it for some people.
Chapter Three: The Case of the Missing Lifeguard
This is another big one because it gives us… SHIRTLESS HOPPER. (Hungover shirtless Hopper to be specific, but hey, we’re not complaining.)
This episode also gives us one of the swooniest Hopper moments of the season, when he (basically) declares his love for Joyce as they start sniffing out the Russian trail.
“You have something that I never had. You have people who know what you’ve been through. You have people who care about you. Right here.”
Hopper also beats some mystery man ass this episode, but we’ll save .gifs of that for the more exciting fight scenes of the season.
Chapter Four: The Sauna Test
Another shirtless scene? And so soon?
Why yes, this episode has both a shirtless scene and a naked-from-behind scene. We don’t see much, and once again it’s accompanied with Hopper being sick, but again… we’ll take it.
Remember what we were saying about a hot fight? This one between Hopper and Mayor Kline is especially nail-biting… in more ways that one.
Chapter Five: The Flayed
Hopper with a gun hunting Russians? Super hot.
Also, Hopper walking through the woods, grumpy and wearing that stupid shirt with Joyce by his side? Also super hot. What is it about this dang shirt that really gets the gears moving?
We’re also pretty happy about this moment of Hopper eating jerky before he steals a car to drive to Illinois, where the team–including new Russian captive, Dr. Alexei–will find genius conspiracist Murray to help figure out what’s going on in Hawkins.
Chapter Six: E Pluribus Unum
The first Hopper moment in this episode finds the big guy eating Burger King. And, well, you know.
This one also gives us a lot of glorious, extremely thirsty Joyce and Hopper bicker sessions that remind us of classic ’80s rom coms like
Chapter Seven: The Bite
There’s a lot to thirst over in this episode but we’re gonna choose to focus on one moment: Hopper’s fight with the Russian agent at the Hawkin’s fair. The neon lights, the guns, the overall aesthetic and action? Pure thirst.
Chapter Eight: The Battle of Starcourt
Hopper is also in pure protective dad mode in this episode, comforting Eleven after some Mind Flayer matter got into her skin. This isn’t thirsty in the traditional sense, but who doesn’t love a supportive dad? That’s certainly attractive.
“I need you safe.”
Oh, and Hopper in a Russian disguise, as he attempts to infiltrate the underground bunker at the Starcourt Mall and close the new passageway to the Upside Down? If you don’t think we’re into this, then you haven’t been paying attention.
There’s only one moment left on this list, and we saved the best for last. (Luckily, it also comes chronologically.) What’s literally the most attractive thing a person can do? Sacrifice themselves for the great good, of course! This is the moment when Hopper proves himself to be the man we always knew he was–brave, commendable, willing to die to save others. He lets himself get blown up with the Russian’s Upside Down-opening machine to save time and his loved ones, including Joyce and El.
We’re pretty convinced Hopper isn’t actually dead. But we can’t help but applaud this moment all the same. It’s pure selflessness, and that’s the thirstiest attribute there is.
For now, R.I.P. Hopper. You served us well in
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