I can’t really explain my love for
And that’s all in the first four seasons. But season five, well… Season five is where things truly entered another realm of WTF. A few episodes into the season,
If you’re of the same breed as me, I implore you to catch up on
Time jump shenanigans
So what’s going on in the town of Riverdale, seven years in the future? Archie returns to his hometown after fighting in a war. (The show never specifies which war, and the only footage we see is a dream sequence where it looks… like he’s fighting in WWII?) Upon his return, he learns the town’s speakeasy La Bonne Nuit is now the Whyte Wyrm, and that a mysteriously pregnant Toni Topaz is the owner and lead entertainer. Toni now lives with Kevin and Sweet Pea (in an apartment on Cloverfield Lane, perhaps my favorite dumb reference of the series); they’re the only members of their friend group still living in the town, besides Cheryl, who’s become a recluse.
As Archie quickly learns, Veronica’s dad Hiram Lodge is still up to no good. This time, he’s trying to clear out the town to his own benefit. Archie decides to round up his old friends Veronica, Betty, and Jughead to help take back the town.
We then play catch up with all three characters and see what they’ve been up to during the seven-year hiatus. Betty became an FBI trainee at Quantico, a storyline that borrows heavily from
literally can’t stop thinking about the uncut gems scene they did on riverdale last week they’re so ?€\!\£ pic.twitter.com/BWUM3MMycC— deep throat from dick 1999 (@SEElNGSOUNDS) February 18, 2021
Jughead also landed in a pretty predictable place. He wrote a novel about his experiences in Riverdale and became a part of an elite literary brat pack in New York. But despite this apparent success, he isn’t doing so hot. He’s in a lot of debt, which collectors literally coming to his door and threatening his life. His new girlfriend dumps him and he’s struggling to write his follow-up book. Already down in the dumps, he answers Archie’s call and heads back to his hometown.
So yeah, the core four come back to town. And they all become teachers at Riverdale High? Oh, and Betty and Archie start hooking up. For a while? Then Archie and Veronica rekindle things again. Some things never really change on
The Black Hood returns?
This may not sound too wild just yet, but I promise you, the devil is in the details. Baked into this whole “return to save Riverdale” plot is something far more nefarious. Someone is kidnapping young women in the outskirts of town, including a Pop’s waitress named Lynette “Squeaky” Fields (a nod to real-life Manson girl and wannabe assassin Lynette Fromme) and Betty’s sister Polly. And it might all have ties to the Black Hood. Who, if you don’t remember, was Betty and Polly’s serial killer father from a few seasons back.
It would take about five separate articles to explain everything going on with the Cooper family. Betty’s lineage is all messed up thanks to a literal serial killer gene that infected her father, resides within her, and shows up in Polly’s twins, Juniper and Dagwood. Her mom Alice also has an illegitimate son named Charles who escapes from prison this season with his lover Chic, who once posed as the real Charles. (This happens after Hiram blows up the Riverdale prison for purely chaotic reasons I don’t understand.) Ordained minister Alice marries Charles and Chic, still dressed in their prison smocks, in the Cooper family household. It’s all very romantic. We love an adorable little murder family.
This ties into a few other plotlines. Namely, Polly’s disappearance and presumed murder. Betty’s fellow FBI trainee Glen arrives in town and hints that the Black Hood has something to do with the kidnappings. Glen also tells Betty he’s writing a dissertation about her kooky family, called
This all happens in the last episode of the season before the hiatus, so I’m not sure how things will turn out. Or how the Black Hood will factor into the rest of this year’s episodes. All I know is that I love the Coopers and what they bring to this show.
I used to joke that the only thing left for
Tabitha learns that Cheryl’s grandmother, Nana Rose, has the body of a Moth Man preserved in maple syrup. Around the time they learn of this body, Jughead also sees bright lights in the sky and his mind goes blank. Jughead also, for some reason, convinces himself that he needs to take “magic maple mushrooms” to unlock his trauma and help him write his next novel. He does so, under Tabitha’s supervision, hallucinates aliens, and then disappears after seeing another set of flashing lights. That’s where the current run of episodes ends.
This is only about half of what’s actually happening on