This Valentine’s Day, a number of zoos and conservations around the globe are giving people the option to name their loved ones—or their exes—after the creepy crawlers. If your intentions are pure, I recommend the Bronx Zoo’s “adopt a roach” program, where, for $15, you can name a four-inch Madagascar hissing cockroach after anyone you please. If you’re feeling especially extra, $75 will also get you a “Roach Broach” pin, a beanie with a roach patch, and a roach coffee mug.
The Hemsley Conservation Centre in southeast London is running a similar promotion, but with a spicier twist. They’re offering internet users and in-person visitors the chance to name a critter from their cockroach exhibit after an ex, specifically. The initiative, which the centre is calling their “name a cockroach programme,” will assign those who participate a roach from their exhibit. It’ll only cost you £1.50 ($2 in America). You even get a certificate to honor the occasion! What better way to say adieu to a bad ex than by forever imagining them as a disgusting cockroach?
Well, if you’re the El Paso Zoo, you might be saying, “Hold my beer.” If vengeance against your ex is more your thing, the Texas-based zoo is offering the most intense option. Users can name an ex after a cockroach at their facility, and on Valentine’s Day, they will feed said roach to a meerkat and stream the whole thing on Facebook. All you have to do is send the El Paso Zoo a DM on their Facebook page with your ex’s name, then wait for the magic to happen on February 14. The zoo is calling the event “Quit Bugging Me,” and says it’s “the perfect Valentine’s gift.” To yourself, we guess.
No matter where your intentions rest, it’s good to know there’s a cockroach option waiting for you this Valentine’s Day.