I can’t be the only one thinking about it. Whether on the basis of looks or loyalty, haven’t we all ranked the nine members of the Fellowship of the Ring in our heads? Why not based on whether they’re boyfriend material? The mix of traits for a perfect beau is hard to define, though. Devotion, certainly. But also fun. And their dashing good looks for sure. There’s also how safe I’d feel as their partner. Also, who is mostly like to curl toes in the bedroom? Or on a bed of moss in the wilderness, if that’s your thing. Let’s head back to The Lord of the Rings universe and dive into this very thirsty and unofficial ranking of the Fellowship of the Ring’s best boyfriend material!
9. Boromir
Scenes in the extended edition tempt me to bump Boromir higher. He is clearly a good brother. Teaching Merry and Pippin to fight is a real highlight. But for the warning in my heart. He too easily succumbs to the ring to ever trust him. And he’s a grown-ass man who sulks. Boromir is just one of those people that makes everyone uneasy. And do you really want that in a partner? Also, imagine going home to meet his family. Denethor would be super rude the whole time. Even though Boromir would defend you, you’d be too distracted by Faramir’s smile to notice.
8. Gimli
Gimli is prideful and biased. But he is also brave and admits to needing help. Unlike Boromir, Gimli is truly changed by Lothlorien. But if you weren’t as fair or powerful as Galadriel, would he notice you? Would he ever look at you the way he looks at treasure? While the family dinners are a rollicking good time, do you want to spend all your vacations underground? Also, he snores. Then again, dwarves might be just the right build to be dynamite in the sack.
7. Legolas
2001 me argues against this low ranking. But she saw only the meaningful looks into the distance. And the litheness. Legolas and Gimli suffer from a lack of personality and backstory in these movies. They overcome their biases and become friends. But is bonding over a kill count really endearing? If they ever showed a scene of them braiding each other’s hair, that would change things. But what we do see of Legolas’s romantic potential in The Hobbit films does not recommend him.
6. Frodo
Frodo must be very strong and very sweet to hold out as long as he did against the ring. He was able to express his gratitude and love for Sam, even in very hard times. That is charming. Whether this is a ranking before or after the events of The Lord of the Rings is relevant with Frodo (Boromir too, obviously). We all want to be strong enough to help our partners through trauma, but his is clearly too deep. He sails for the Undying Lands in order to heal and that’s something I can’t compete with. Also, I don’t want his hands anywhere near me. They’re nasty in all those ring close-ups.
5. Gandalf
If you can get past the beard and the hair. And the eyebrows. And the fact that Gandalf the Grey is eternally dingy. I may only rate him this high because of that Ian McKellen glint in his eye. I would be my best self just to try and bring that out. Sure, he would sometimes drop harsh truths (or worse, a riddle). And then peace out for a few months and think nothing of it. But he’d send word via moth or the wind or something. And who doesn’t like a little alone time? When he’s with you, he’s fully present. And probably knows some sexy magic tricks.
4. Pippin
Billy Boyd’s accent and singing isn’t enough to push Pippin any higher than this. While I love the shenanigans, he is a bit of a ditz. Not as foolish as Gandalf would have him believe though. His friendship with Faramir and ability to rise to the occasion is commendable. But he just needs a little too much leading.
3. Aragorn
I do favor men in beards. But Aragorn is used to being alone, and it shows. The ranger thing is hot, but would just mean he’s gone a lot and always comes home dirty. He does clean up nice though. And can apparently make out with you in dreams. But I’m not sure I want to hang out with a guy who sings sad songs to himself in the dark when there’s nothing else to do. Aragorn is the only one we actually see be a boyfriend. His devotion to Arwen is romantic. But he also thinks he knows what’s best for her instead of respecting her choice. Arwen is clearly ready, but not everyone wants to be a queen. Also, don’t be “that guy” staring from the dark corner of The Prancing Pony.
2. Sam
Samwise is undoubtedly brave and loyal, when it comes to Frodo at least. He is strong when Frodo is unable to be. But do I want my boyfriend constantly reminding me to check my impulses? Would this only come up in the extremes of bad influences like The Ring of Power and Gollum? I do love a partner who can cook though. And will kill spiders for me. But sometimes you also want one who will get up on the table and sing instead of sitting with the grown-ups. And that is why Sam remains second.
1. Merry
Merry has all the positives that come with Hobbits. Simple joys like food, ale, and pipeweed. A love for peace and greenery. Even though Merry is the tallest of the Hobbits, it would take some getting used to the height difference. But you know what they say about big feet. And he is the ideal mix of duty and shenanigans. He is serious when times call for it and fun when they don’t. Fighting alongside Eowyn when everyone else discounts her is enough to make him number one. I’d never want to have to teach a boyfriend this kind of respect, and it’s a trait that cannot be taken for granted. Even if it sometimes comes across as grumpy, he says what needs to be said when it needs to be said. Also, I think this is the only shot in the whole series where he’s not eating. A partner who always has snacks, yes please.
The Real Winners
If we open the voting to all characters in the trilogy, I don’t think anyone in the Fellowship make the top three though. Depending on your preference, Eowyn and Faramir are the best partners. They are inherently good balanced with a sense of duty. They are the ones quietly taking care of everything, no need to be recognized or celebrated. Just loved. And once they are given the chance to be heroic, they step up to it as easily as breathing. But also smile and laugh. And don’t you just want to tangle your hands in that wavy golden hair while they look deeply into your eyes?
This very unscientific ranking is based on the films, when they differ from the books. And, while you dream of your #1 boyfriend, there’s still time to rewatch of The Lord of the Rings before The Rings of Power comes out on September 2.
Melissa is Nerdist’s science & technology staff writer. She also moderates “science of” panels at conventions and co-hosts Star Warsologies, a podcast about science and Star Wars. Follow her on Twitter @melissatruth.
