The Simpsons‘ hilarious “22 Short Films About Springfield” is an all-time classic. The season seven episode explored the individual stories of the town’s many citizens, and it led to one of the internet’s greatest obsessions: Seymour Skinner’s “Steamed Hams” dinner with Superintendent Chalmers. But with a runtime of only 22 minutes, not every character got their own individual tale. Now one of the episode’s writers has shared the never-before-seen script that originally included a segment for Springfield’s favorite hapless peanut, Hans Moleman. It would have sent him on a totally insane action adventure parody that brought him to the Pearly Gates.
Disney
Josh Weinstein, who worked as a writer on The Simpsons from 1992 to 1996, tweeted out the lost Hans Moleman tale on April 14, the 24th anniversary of the iconic episode. The segment would have followed Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel’s story, but was cut for time because it was four pages long. They were a funny four pages though.
It's the 24th Anniversary of "22 Short Films About Springfield"
— Josh Weinstein (@Joshstrangehill) April 14, 2020
Here, never shown before in all its overly long, insane glory is the full 4 page version of the Moleman segment we cut from the second draft.
You'll see it was planned to air right after the Cletus/Brandine segment pic.twitter.com/iLEpyRtPDj
In the segment, Hans Moleman beats up the macho actor Rainier Wolfcastle, steals his car and bombshell date, crashes into a mafia hangout where he plays a high-stakes game of poker for his life, has a sword fight with his twin sister inside a giant skyscraper for his share of the family company, dies, and ends up in Heaven before being sent back to resume his sad life.
So, you know, a normal day for Hans.
The Moleman segment cut from "22 Short Films About Springfield" contains the greatest stage direction ever cut from A Simpsons script. pic.twitter.com/o6Rsg90BQf
— Josh Weinstein (@Joshstrangehill) April 14, 2020
That would have been so, so good.
Hans still appeared in the final episode, with a small role in Apu’s tale. The Kwik-E-Mart owner closed the story for five minutes to go to a party, and when he returned to open up the shop he discovered Hans locked inside. “You took four minutes of my life and I want them back!” Hans said before adding, “Oh, I’d only waste them anyway.” It’s a funny moment, but a far cry from the role the writers originally had planned for Hans.
Some other characters segments suffered the same fate. Weinstein shared some more insights into what could have been.
Yes, there was a Ralph & Krusty one with them in an airplane, a Lionel Hutz one, and a couple more that weren't as memorable (the Ralph/Krusty one, this Moleman one and the Lionel Hutz one were all funny but cut for time. There was a logic to the cuts but one I don't remember!)
— Josh Weinstein (@Joshstrangehill) April 15, 2020
We finally found a problem with “22 Short Films About Springfield” after 24 years: it needed to be longer. In fact, this format would have made for a great featured film. At the very least, they could always do another episode, “22 MORE Short Films About Springfield.” We know we’re not the only ones who would want to see that.
Yeah, it coulda been a classic instead of a just an old script on my shelf, which is what it is. But maybe someday!
— Josh Weinstein (@Joshstrangehill) April 15, 2020
To that we say, “Boo-urns! Boo-urns!”
Featured Image: Disney
