We’re all doing some wacky stuff to keep ourselves entertained during quarantine. We’ve seen everything from folks recreating Disney theme park attractions in their homes, to participating in Zoom sing-alongs. But this one right here wins for the absolute grossest quarantine distraction.
Via io9, we’ve learned about Twitter user Dinosaur Dracula. This retro pop culture lover recently unearthed a can of Chef Boyardee Spider-Man pasta from way back in 1995. This was one of many product tie-ins to the popular Fox Kids Spider-Man animated series from the ’90s.
But after 25 years, what kind of radioactive sludge could reside within one of these cans of rusted out metal? Well, Dinosaur Dracula gave us all a play-by-play on social media, and it turns out what lies within is exactly as disgusting as you would expect. Luckily, no one’s face melted off like when they opened the Ark of the Covenant in Raider of the Lost Ark. But had it happened, I would not have been shocked.
Given the hearty shake he gives the can in the first video, we knew that whatever lied inside this can had hardened into something akin to a brick. Something Spidey himself could have webbed-up and thrown at Doc Ock’s head in an actual episode of the cartoon show.
They say tragedy plus time equals comedy, but there's nothing funny about 15 ounces of Spider-Man Pasta reduced to a rotted 3-ounce chunk. Recalling the fate of Jordy Verrill in Creepshow, I'm thankful for my rubber gloves. (3/5) pic.twitter.com/W5WqQ7wEHs— Dinosaur Dracula 🦖🧛♂️ (@DinosaurDracula) April 16, 2020
And judging from what was found inside, it’s a good thing he had rubber gloves handy. In an old Stan Lee Marvel comic from the ’60s, just being near this thing would have caused some kind of radioactive mutation that would have led to a life of crime.
I think I notice something, but consult the label on the can to be sure. Indeed, there's poor Spider-Man, trapped in this godforsaken toxic monstrosity. I'm sorry, Peter. With old pasta comes great instability.— Dinosaur Dracula 🦖🧛♂️ (@DinosaurDracula) April 16, 2020
Thank you all for taking this journey with me. (5/5) pic.twitter.com/6UcfRcN9tz
Trying to find the Spider-Man shapes in this brick of once-organic matter is a bit like “Where’s Waldo,” but if you squint hard enough, you can still see them. Kind of.
Aside from his Twitter account, Dinosaur Dracula also has a great blog focusing on vintage pop culture ephemera from the ’80s and ’90s. He collects old commercials, newspaper clippings, Halloween merch, and all kinds of good stuff from our collective childhoods. And we are pretty sure there must be some other fun Spidey related goodness in there. And it’s probably a lot less toxic.
Featured Image: Marvel Entertainment