Castlevania season three continues to thrill fans who can’t stop marathon watching the season over and over again. The series brought the expected action and gore but it also introduced a wider universe and new characters. Those expansions led to more rich storylines and dialogue for established people like Trevor, Sypha, Isaac, Hector, and Alucard. There have been plenty of quotable moments in the past two seasons and this trend continued with lines that make fans laugh, cry, think, and dive deeper into the character’s state of mind.
Here are some of the best quotes in Castlevania season three.
“Bless Your Dead Little Hearts”
The season opener picks up about a month after Dracula’s “death,” showing a lonely Alucard in his father’s castle as well as Trevor and Sypha on the road. Meanwhile, Carmilla takes Hector to her vampire sister council and throws him in prison. Here are some standout lines from the season premiere…
Alucard, imitating Trevor: “I think I hate everything and everybody, so I’m going to get drunk on beer that’s been brewed in an old sheep carcass and then I’m going to stick my tiny penis in a dead dog I found in a ditch to make hate-babies or something because I am actually more stupid than mud.”
Alucard, imitating Sypha: “You are a horrible, terrible person and many other words for horrible and terrible because I know all the words, because I am smarter than everybody. And one day I will go back to live with my flea-bitten family in a cart, which makes me better than everyone and you will all die in a fire. A big one.”
Trevor: “Oh my God… that is better than sex.”
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“The Reparation of My Heart”
In episode two, Isaac discovers a magical man who helps him locate Hector and struggles with whether humans are good or evil. Carmilla proposes her plan to use Hector’s forgemaster skills to their advantage but Morana isn’t so sure it will work. Sypha and Trevor arrive in Lindenfeld, where they meet the Judge and a strange man named Saint Germain. Alucard discovers two people spying on him in the woods (and he doesn’t like it). Here are our favorite quotes from the ep…
Isaac: “I was spoiled by a single act of kindness in this city. And so I attempted to be reasonable, honest, and peaceful. This was against my better nature. It was stupid to expect anything other than hate from you. I keep making the same mistake. I should know better…”
“[Hector] was quite pliable once. And then you got him to betray his master, made him see all his goals destroyed, beat the sh*t out of him, and dragged him eight hundred miles on the end of a rope. I don’t see him being happy to do you any other favors, Carmilla.” – Morana
“You are practically the Jesus of murder.” – Saint Germain
“If I wanted him dead, I would have aimed higher. If he wants to continue living, he should stop right there.” – Alucard
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“Investigators”
In the third episode of the season, Trevor and Sypha chat about their adventures of the past month and run into an issue when they try to leave Lindenfeld. Isaac meets a ship captain who helps him take his monster army to his next location. Carmilla’s fellow councilwoman Lenore tries to treat Hector with some dignity but it goes left field. Our favorite quotes…
Trevor: “They shat on a farm, Sypha. And their shit was on fire… Burning devil goat turds from the sky.”
Sypha: “Belnades and Belmont! We roll out and hit the road and fight nasty hovering death goats that open their flaming bowels upon the innocent!”
The Captain: “Why live out a dead vampire’s story when you have your own story to tell?”
Lenore: “I make peace. And because of that people think I’m soft. People think I’m weak. You won’t make that mistake again, will you?”
The Captain: “If you kill us all you end human cruelty, yes. But you end human kindness too. No more jokes. No more gifts. No more surprises. Why would a man with all your fantastic knowledge not use it to teach people how to be kind?”
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“I Have a Scheme”
Isaac continues to slay almost every human who doesn’t acquiesce to his will. Sypha calls out Lindenfeld’s monks for being sketchy. Saint Germain gets into the priory and Alucard takes Sumi and Taka under his wings to help with their mission. Our favorite quotes…
Isaac: “You know, one day the last one of you will ask me ‘Why did you work with Dracula himself to murder all the people?’ And do you know what I’ll say? It’s because you’re all so f***ing rude.”
Sypha: “We are travelers, pausing here for a few days. And my idiot servant here and I couldn’t help but notice your pretty priory.”
Sypha: “Just one more thing. Speakers tend to be natural prey in towns, because we don’t carry weapons. So we all learn how to spot when someone’s concealing a knife. Don’t you think monks wearing a magic sign for Hell and hiding blades in their robes is a little obvious – even for a small town? I see you.”
“A Seat of Civilisation and Refinement”
Saint Germain’s search for treasure is interrupted by something more disturbing, Alucard gets closer to Sumi and Taka, and the Judge and Trevor have an in-depth conversation. We just have one favorite quote for this one, but it’s a doozy…
Trevor: “What the hell are you doing with your life? I’m talking to you, Trevor Belmont of House Belmont, with no living relatives. It is you I address. Last surviving monster hunter from out here in the armpit of the world. What the actual hell are you thinking? Idiot. You’re a tramp. You’re excommunicated. You have no family, you have no friends. You’ve spent your entire adult life being hated by everybody you ever met. And you were fine with that. You even liked it. Nobody could get near you, nobody could ruin your life because there wasn’t much left to ruin. But that last little bit of it? That was yours. And then what? A pretty girl holds your hand and takes you to bed and all of a sudden…”
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“The Good Dream”
Isaac has a fireside chat with a monster in his army. Lenore starts to gain Hector’s trust and Saint Germain has a trippy experience. Again, just one, but a good one…
FlyEyes: “I woke up in Hell because this world is insane. And, I learned something about sin… I learned to like it. Yet here I am back on the surface of Earth, strong and free, in a world where thinking is considered something that should be tortured and murdered. Thank you for my second life. I intend to use it well and make wonderful new dreams of it.”
“Worse Things Than Betrayal”
Saint Germain discovers even more secrets within the priory, Isaac meets a mysterious woman with incredible powers, and Trevor/Sypha get physical with one of the monks to find out more answers. This one had a few fun moments…
Saint Germain: “I am extremely famous and they wanted to meet someone who’d seen toilet paper.”
The Judge: “What the f*** is toilet paper?”
Miranda: “There are worse things in the world than vampires in Styria, Isaac. There are worse things… than betrayal.”
Trevor: ‘I’m a simple man with simple pleasures.”
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“What the Night Brings”
Lenore tells Hector about Carmilla’s plans and asks him what he really wants out of life. Sypha and Trevor continue to work quickly to make a plan and save the innocent people in Lindenfeld. The two standout quotes:
Hector: “I admit there seems to be more..depth to…what would you call it? Vampire culture?”
Lenore: “I have all the power and you’re a pretty man in a box.”
“The Harvest”
Everything comes to a head as Isaac meets the Magician, Hector pledges loyalty to Lenore, Sumi and Taka greet Alucard in bed, and a fight ensues in Lindenfeld. This episode was packed with a lot of action and very little dialogue, so no quotable moments here.
“Abandon All Hope”
The portal to hell is open! Sypha and Trevor fight an onslaught of devilish creatures, Saint Germain discovers a way to fight back, and Hector is confirmed to be a very-not-smart person. Lenora reveals her plans and demands to the council and Sypha’s heart is broken after discovering a disturbing truth about the Judge. Alucard gets the upper hand after Sumi and Taka betray his trust. The season finale gave us the greatest haul of quotes yet…
Trevor: “What the hell is that?”
Saint Germain: “Well, that is, very probably, actually Hell.”
Trevor: “And how would you know that?”
Saint Germain: “One terrible night with the King of Bohemia and a bag of something that turned out not to be opium. We…really don’t have time for this story.”
Saint German: “All this to bring back Vlad bloody Tepes? All this death and horror for that leech? Yes. All this. All the strength you gathered from murdering a town and drinking its soul. I can’t move the window in the corridor. But you can! Show me what I want to see, you f***ing bastard!”
Trevor: “Sypha, do you have my back?”
Sypha: “Always.”
The Judge: “…I’m going to wait for that bastard in Hell and kill him all over again when he arrives.”
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Striga: “Your idea was the equivalent of the village idiot walking in here and saying, ‘I think we should be able to light fires by punching a fish.’ It basically made no sense and Morana made it work anyway.”
Lenora: “So, as you know, when Hector forges a night creature, they are loyal to him. But now! He is bound to me through the spell on these rings. When he makes a night creature, they’re loyal to him and he swore loyalty to me, so they’re loyal to me too. All these rings are linked. Wear the ring and his night creatures will be loyal to you too. And if Hector ever tries to harm us, or take it off, or run away, his ring will cause him so much pain that he’ll think he’ll have shat our his own heart.”
Trevor: “We’ve spent a couple of months living your life. Adventures and victories. And now we’re living my life.”
Alucard: “Well. I suppose I could’ve put up big signs all over the place. Do not enter. Danger of death. Abandon all hope. That sort of thing. But this seemed to work well enough for dead old dad.”
Castlevania season three was all about blood, rage, revenge, betrayal, and life lessons. But, as much as we are here for the carnage and chaos, we are also available for funny quotes about toilet paper and weird nights with a king. Love these quote, share them, and use them around people who have no idea what you’re talking about so you can usher them into the wonderful universe.
Feature Image: Netflix