The Boy Who Lived recently turned 38 (!!?!?!) which had us all jumping back into our dog-eared Harry Potter books and revisiting the magical world we grew up with. Many of us dreamed of waking up one stormy night to an owl tapping on our window with an acceptance letter to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but as we’ve grown older we’ve also realized it was actually a pretty dangerous place to be. From literal wars to a sport where people regularly broke bones, and basilisks and mass murderers lurking within the walls, Hogwarts was a risky place to be. So for your health and safety, we’ve come up with a list of the most irresponsible teachers to ever walk the hallowed halls.
7. Professor Sprout
Herbology seems like it might be one of the least dangerous subjects at the death trap of Hogwarts, but alas Professor Sprout is still there, ready to put kids at risk every single day. For a great example, remember the Mandrakes, small gnarled plant babies whose scream can knock out anyone who hears it? And as if that wasn’t bad enough a fully mature Mandrake’s scream can kill. Great idea, Sprout.
6. Madam Hooch
Quidditch, the magical sport where children fly hundreds of feet in the air and catch a tiny ball, is actually very dangerous. Hooch is the leader of the terrifying Quidditch cult at Hogwarts which has seen Harry break an arm and be knocked out numerous times. Plus, do you remember when she left a bunch of 11-year-olds unattended with magical brooms, and then rewarded one of them for flying half way up the school without any adult supervision?
5. Professor Lupin
Remus Lupin is a lovely, caring, and sweet teacher. He gave Harry the chocolate that healed him after his first interaction with the Dementors on the Hogwarts Express. He’s thoughtful, kind, and unlike many Hogwarts teachers, can apparently do his job… OH! One last thing, he’s a freaking werewolf. A howl at the moon, bite a student’s leg, wants to eat you werewolf. Yet he chose to be a teacher. Highly irresponsible, to be honest.
4. Professor Lockhart
Easily one of the worst people to inhabit the magical world of Harry Potter is Gilderoy Lockhart. A supreme scam artist, Lockhart stole the memories and stories of a man whom he then gave severe brain damage so that no-one would ever know. Building a career as a successful author was bad enough, but during his short tenure at Hogwarts he endangered many students’ lives with his deception before threatening to obliviate Harry and Ron’s memories when they found him out.
3. Professor Quirrell
I mean, come on. This guy literally has Voldemort attached to the back of his head, and this never came up once? Not one teacher, wizard’s assistant, or very tired HR person was ever like, “Hmmm… wonder what’s up with this weird guy?” Due to his Voldemort situation, he unleashed a troll on the school’s pupils, and was perfectly happy with the potential deaths of Harry and co. to protect his beloved Dark Lord.
2. Professor Umbridge
Irresponsible isn’t even the word for Dolores “I love to torture children” Umbridge. A lover of fascism, corporal punishment, and cute kitties, she’s truly an abhorrent figure in the annals of Hogwarts history. Dolores is probably most memorable for encouraging disfigurement as a punishment on young students during her reign as spymaster for the Ministry of Magic.
1. Professor Dumbledore
Where do we even begin? Albus loves to put children in danger, lets a 11-year-old fight Voldemort, grooms and trains that same 11-year-old from birth as a child soldier, and doesn’t tell anyone about the all the horcruxes that Voldemort has created. But worst of all, he’s the one who ultimately approved every single terrible teacher that we’ve mentioned on our list, and so many more!
Do you have a favorite terrible teacher at Hogwarts? Shocked we didn’t include Severus “Stalker” Snape? Get angry and jump into the comments to let us know!
Images: Warner Bros.