We don’t know yet if Deadpool 2 will be the best Deadpool movie ever made, but we don’t have to see it to know one thing–it definitely won’t be the f***ing worst. As much as we would all like to pretend otherwise, this will be the third time Ryan Reynolds plays Wade Wilson. The first forgettable, unforgivable, failure of a film featuring the Merc With a Mouth was 2009’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine, A movie so inexplicably stupid it decided that a character with that nickname should have its mouth sewn shut.
They cast Ryan Reynolds to play Deadpool AND THEY SEWED HIS MOUTH SHUT.
So with Deadpool 2 coming to theaters this month, a movie we are fairly confident will let Ryan Reynolds talk the entire time, we wanted to go back to the character’s first disastrous appearance, scene by scene, to see whether they got anything right, what they got wrong, and if any part of it would work in a Deadpool movie now. All of this is to answer the question: is this the worst movie debut by a character ever?
Scene 1: Team X Takes a Plane to Lagos, Nigeria
What Happens? A chatty but generally subdued Wade Wilson, the handsomest man in the world , tells the rest of the squad about why he loves his “memorable” katana swords, annoying everyone on board. Also he hints at having terrorized his ex-girlfriends wedding.
Does Anything Remind Us of the Good Deadpool? Hey! A sword! Cool, Deadpool loves using swords. This is definitely like the good Deadpool.
What the Hell Were They Thinking? Look, we get it. If you cast Ryan Reynolds in your movie, you want to show off that good-looking mug of his. It’s like renting a convertible: if you don’t put the top down what was the point? However, the character’s disfigurement is sort of a big thing for him. That’s why he’s handsome before he gets his powers in Deadpool. Also, he’s strangely soft-spoken here, like he just woke up. He’s not funny–he tries to be but he doesn’t say anything that would make anyone laugh–he’s just annoying. Fittingly, he’s like a stranger who tries to have a conversation with you on a plane while you’re watching a movie. (Preferably not X-Men Origins: Wolverine.)
Could This Work in a Deadpool Movie? Are you kidding me? No. This has to be one of the most disappointing first scenes for any comic book character ever, let alone a character this good. He doesn’t look like the character (even for an X-Men movie), but even worse, he’s lame.
Verdict: This….this is not a great start.
Scene 2A: The Elevator Ride
What Happens? The team ride up an elevator to confront an evil operation’s boss. When the power gets cut (the still very attractive) Wade makes a joke about being stuck in their “with five guys on a high protein diet” before throwing out a couple more quips, including a quick exchange with an annoyed Wolverine.
Does Anything Remind Us of the Good Deadpool? A fart joke? Yeah, that’s the crass version of the character we love. Also, unlike his flat one-liners on the plane, he’s actually sort of amusing here. He tells a frustrated Stryker, “You look very nice today. It’s the green. It brings out the seriousness in your eyes.” And when Wolverine asks him if he ever shuts up he says, “No, not when I’m awake.” I mean, those aren’t exactly the greatest jokes ever, but compared to the plane ride he’s peak Richard Pryor here. Oh yeah, and he’s got his double katana swords on his back. Those are memorable.
What the Hell Were They Thinking? The delivery is way too dry. This Wade Wilson is kind of lifeless, even when he’s being funny. He doesn’t come across as irreverent so much as he comes across as sleepy.
Could This Work in a Deadpool Movie? The idea for this scene is perfect–an awkward, physically uncomfortable situation that lets Wade make a bunch of quips, including saying “dreams come true” about having to smell the flatulence of of five other guys in a pseudo-coffin. Even if you put him in his red suit you couldn’t just plop this scene into a Deadpool movie, it’s too slow and underwhelming, but the good version of the character would kill it.
Verdict: Right idea, poor execution.
Scene 2B: Wade And His Swords Cut Through a Haze of Bullets
What Happens? Wade goes to work! The other guys with super powers get out of his way and he exits the elevator alone into a heavily armed room. He then deflects a storm of machine gun bullets with his swords, and when he finishes mowing down everyone he yells back to the team, “Okay. People are dead.”
Does Anything Remind Us of the Good Deadpool? Hell yeah! If good Deadpool got to do this first people would have thought it was amazing. (The fact this scene exists makes it that much funnier he can’t stop all of Cable’s bullets in the Deadpool 2 trailer.) At one point he sees a single bullet coming and cuts it in two, deflecting each half to kill two guys behind him. And he wraps the whole thing up with a funny line.
What the Hell Were They Thinking? The good Deadpool would have been talking the whole time about how amazing he is, all while making fun of all the guys trying to shoot at him. And while the last line isn’t bad, and we like his little sarcastic salute to Stryker when he tells him, “If you didn’t have that mouth on you Wade you’d be the perfect soldier,” he’s still way too subdued. Where’s the enjoyment? Where’s the exuberance? Where’s the pride in his work?
Could This Work in a Deadpool Movie? Just the first part of this scene. Clearly the film had an idea of why Deadpool is a great character, but then they gave us the most sanitized, watered down, way-too-attractive version possible. Then they put that version on Xanax.
Verdict: The best Deadpool scene in the movie, easily. But that’s not a good sign.
Scene 3: The Village Massacre
What Happens? When a small village refuses to tell Stryker, who is using Wade as a translator, where they found the Adamantium, Stryker orders Victor to kill their leader. That leads to a massacre that Wolverine stops.
Does Anything Remind Us of the Good Deadpool? Nooooooope. Not his matter-of-fact translating skills done with the excitement of an officer worker who is already five minutes late for lunch, not the evil smirk he gives Wolverine, and definitely not when he strikes down an unarmed villager with his swords. Deadpool might be an antihero, but he doesn’t kill innocent people.
What the Hell Were They Thinking? They weren’t. Which is why this is a great spot to point out how dumb it was to make Deadpool a loyal, dutiful soldier who followed orders without question. Nothing says “Deadpool” quite like “conformity to authority!” Unfortunately it only gets so, so, so, so, so much worse from here.
Verdict: Why did they make me hate Deadpool? Why did anyone allow this to happen? How does this movie even exist? Fortunately we don’t see Wade Wilson for a long time after this. Unfortunately this is what he looks like when we do:
…..What the shit.
Let’s just skip over all the exposition of the Weapon XI program (mostly so we can avoid talking about how Wade Wilson would never in a million years agree to being a part of something where he lost his ability to talk or think for himself) and get to the end of this disaster.
Scene 4: “Deadpool” Fights Wolverine
What Happens? Deadpool, who now has almost unlimited powers from other mutants, is woken up to fight Logan. His mouth has been sewn shut so he can’t talk, and his brain is controlled by Stryker. And he has Adamantium swords that come out of his hands. And…..just watch it yourself; I can’t keep doing this.
Does Anything Remind Us of the Good Deadpool? He looks like crap, but somehow still not crappy enough.
What the Hell Were They Thinking? I think they were trying to start a war. I don’t know with whom or why, but this should have resulted with all the nations in the world putting everyone involved on trial.
Verdict: No hyperbole, this is one of the dumbest decisions anyone has ever made with a character.
Scene 5: Wolverine and Sabretooth Reunite to Stop “Deadpool”
What Happens? Somehow an unstoppable monster who should quickly kill both Sabertooth and Wolverine without much effort is easily stopped when Wolverine cuts off his head, seemingly killing him. Also I imagine comic book readers probably break something.
Does Anything Remind Us of the Good Deadpool? Leave me alone.
What the Hell Were They Thinking? They hate us? They hate Deadpool? They just want to watch the world burn? What’s amazing is that maybe the worst thing they did is include an alternative end credits scene that shows “Deadpool” is still alive. As though anyone wanted more of this nightmare.
Final Verdict: We went back to this disaster for one reason: to answer whether or not this is the worst introduction to a character ever. But the truth is that’s really impossible to answer. We’re specifically looking at this one movie and this one character, who we amazingly have a fantastic alternative to compare it to (with the same actor too!). Plus there are literally tens if not hundreds of thousands of others we’d have to do the same for to truly get this right.
Having said that, yes, this is definitely the worst one ever.
THEY SEWED HIS F***ING MOUTH SHUT.
I can’t wait for Deadpool 2.
What do you think? Is this the worst introduction to a character ever? Which one is worse? Tell us in the comments below.
Images: 20th Century Fox
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