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FANTASTIC BEASTS Magical Animal Rankings Part 4: #30-11

FANTASTIC BEASTS Magical Animal Rankings Part 4: #30-11

Our next adventure through the magical zoo we dream of when we read Newt Scamander‘s Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them book awaits, but make sure you read our first three installments before we head off on today’s exploration of the magical animal kingdom world.

Part 1: Introduction and “creatures” that don’t belong in a zoo
Part 2: Numbers 72-51, from a normal looking fish to a beautiful weird insect
Part 3: Numbers 50-31, from the cuddly to the deadly

The rankings are based on the which of these animals we’d most like to see. Since that should be influenced at least partially by how dangerous they are, next to every creature we’ve included their Ministry of Magic (M.O.M.) Classification ranking. Here’s the official scale:

x: Boring
xx: Harmless/may be domesticated
xxx: Competent wizard should cope
xxxx: Dangerous/requires specialist knowledge/skilled wizard may handle
xxxxx: Known wizard killer/impossible to train or domesticate

Now, accio the amazing! Accio the strange! Accio the creepy!

Voldemort-Harry-Potter-09102015

Not that kind of creepy.

To the zoo!

#30: ASHWINDER (xxx)

Talk about a magical animal that has everything we want. This thin grey snake with glowing red eyes is born from magical fires that burn too long. Which means you can go to the ashwinder exhibit and watch one form out of nothing. But the show’s not over then, because in the one hour it lives, it will lay glowing hot eggs.

#29: PIXIE (xxx)

Another tiny, eight-inch humanoid creature, but this one is bright blue and can fly without wings. As we saw in Professor Lockhart’s class, they are annoying little things, but if we didn’t have to worry about them pulling our hair and ruining our textbooks we’d spend a long time watching them in their pen.

pixie

#28: DOXY (xxx)

The tiny, flying doxies are the way more dangerous, and therefore the way cooler, relatives to pixies. Not only are they covered in thick black fur, they have both an extra set of arms and legs, not to mention thick, shiny wings like a beatle, and a double set of sharp, venomous teeth.

A photo posted by kuroi (@k_u_r_o_i) on

#27: LEPRECHAUN (xxx)

We all think we know what a leprechaun should look like, but Newt says they are green, only six inches tall, and are both smart and pleasant. So why do they go higher than the other human-like beasts? They can talk. Just picture, right now, one of these little green men walking in front of your screen and starting a conversation with you.

Now try to think about anything else. NOT POSSIBLE.

#26: CLABBERT (xx)

Newt describes a clabbert as being a cross between a monkey and a frog that lives in the tree, but this thing is way, way weirder than that. It has a smooth, hairless body, mottled green skin, webbed hands and feet, big mouth, tiny horns, razor sharp teeth, and a big boil on it’s forehead that turns red when it is in danger.

A photo posted by kuroi (@k_u_r_o_i) on

Um, would it be wrong for our scientists to play god and try to create one of these in a lab?

Yes? Definitely, you say? Don’t care.

#25: FIRE CRAB (xxx)

An oversized tortoise-like animal with a “heavily” jeweled shell. Hmm, that’s very cool, but all the way up at 25? Well, they do call it a “fire” crab for a reason.

It shoots fire out of its butt.

fire-crabImage: Stacked

And we don’t care who you are, you’re going to want to see any creature that shoots fire out of its butt. Except maybe the male academia collegis fratis.

#24: ERKLING (xxx)

Of all the humanoids, the erkling ranks the highest, partly for its size (three feet tall), partly for its elfish appearance and pointed face, but mostly because it has a high pitched cackle that it uses to lure children into the forest so it can eat them.

Just so we are totally clear, we do not, in the strongest possible terms, endorse or condone the eating of children.

But we’re going to go see the creature at the zoo that does.

#23: GHOUL (xx)

We really love the macabre and ugly, and they don’t get much uglier than a ghoul. This thing is described as a slimy, moaning, buck-toothed ogre. It would be one of the last animals we’d pick to come home with us, but it deserves its lofty ranking for being so creepy.

ghoulImage: Mega Top Tens

#22: MOONCALF (xx)

The zoo would have to figure something out for the mooncalf pen, because they only come out during a full moon (might be where they get their name from, unclear), but we’re confident they can work something out, since the place would literally be run by people that can use magic. Which is good, because this cow-like creature is super weird and freaky, with its smooth, pale grey body, four thin legs, giant flat feet, and its bulging eyes on the top of its head. It’s basically an alien cow.

Oh, and it also does “complicated” dances, in case you thought a mooncalf wasn’t awesome in every way.

#21: GRINDYLOW (xx)

We love water demons, and we wouldn’t pass up a chance to see these horned pale green ones, with the long fingers and terrible faces, swimming around a tank, haunting our nightmares.

grindylow

#20: KAPPA (xxxx)

Speaking of nightmares, this Japanese water demon is like a monkey with fish scales that has a hollow head it can carry water in.

kappaImage: Mega Top Tens

A. Japanese. Water. Demon. That. Looks. Like. A. Fish. Monkey. With. A. Hollow. Head.

We just wanted to say it slowly so we could savor it.

#19: KELPIE (xxxx)

We all know the most famous kelpie in the world is the Loch Ness Monster. But Nessie is not what this guy looks like. Well, it does sometimes. No, I haven’t been drinking. It’s just that this water demon can take on many shapes. Normally, it looks like a horse with long weeds for hair.

A kelpie might offer the best reason to come back, but it also means it could disappoint, so this feels like the best spot for a genuinely awesome magical beast.

#18: HIPPOGRIFF (xxx)

We all know what a hippogriff looks like since we met Buckbeak, but that shouldn’t change the fact this is a sight to behold. Hippogriff is a massive animal with the head, wings, and back legs of an eagle, but the body of a horse.

hippogriff

Just, you know, be polite and respectful when you get to the pen, because all of their awesomeness makes them very proud animals.

#17: DEMIGUISE (xxxx)

No animal benefited more in its ranking from being included in a Fantastic Beasts trailer than this guy. Newt makes him sound like a beautiful ape (still cool), but we can see he is way more interesting than that. Graceful, with “doleful” black eyes that are often concealed by its long, silver hair, the demiguise can turn invisible when it senses danger (only to be seen by the most talented of wizards).

demiguise

We know we shouldn’t be trying to hug any animals at this zoo, but look at this guy! He also looks like he would just know when we needed a hug.

#16: WINGED HORSE (xx-xxxx)

No description needed, but there are multiple kinds, so the few listed by Newt get a mini ranking.

  1. the giant and powerful Abraxan
  2. the black, macabre Thestral
  3. fast, gray Granian
  4. the chestnut Aethonan

thestral

If you think this might be a little high, just remember one thing about these guys: FLYING HORSIES!

#15: QUINTAPED a.k.a. Hairy MacBoon (xxxxx)

One of the most dangerous magical animals might have once been real humans. The quintaped, a “low slung” five-legged creature with thick reddish brown hair might have been self-transfigured wizards (the MacBoon family), who transformed themselves into these ghastly beings to kill their enemies, then got stuck like this.

Easily one of the scariest exhibits at the zoo, especially because if they really are humans in there, they know we’re visiting to gawk at them. And that’s awkward.

#14: TROLL (xxxx)

Speaking of scary, trolls are 12-foot tall, weigh over a ton, are incredibly strong, and also incredibly stupid. Think about how big one of these really would be. They’d be able to fight the biggest elephant in the world.

troll

If the Romans had trolls fighting elephants in the Coliseum they’d still be an empire today. No one would have wanted to put that show out of business.

Also, Newt lists three types, so they get a mini ranking too.

  1. The bald, pale-gray skinned mountain troll is the biggest and most vicious
  2. Purple-skinned river trolls, the ones found under bridges, have short horns and may be hairy
  3. Forest trolls have pale-green skin, sometimes with thin green or brown hair

#13: YETI (xxxx)

How do you top a 12-foot creature? By giving us a 15-foot one totally covered in pure white fur that won’t hesitate to eat a witch or wizard.

Often known as the Abominable Snowman, the Yeti is one of the most famous legends of the Muggle world, but we bet he’d exceed the hype in person.

#12: GRAPHORN (xxxx)

Everyone loves seeing the big African animals at a regular zoo, so imagine if they also had a giant one with greyish-purple skin, a humped back, and two very long, sharp horns, and which walked on four large thumbed-feet.

graphorn

Graphorns are the perfect combination of beautiful and terrifying, which always makes for the best kind of animals to awe at.

#11: OCCAMY (xxxx)

Our last animal on today’s list: The aggressive 15-foot, winged occamy, with its plumed, serpentine body.

beak

Of all the birds and birdlike creatures we’ve listed so far, none would be as stunning to see swooping around as this giant one.

beak-body

But it still falls one spot short of our top 10, which we’ll have tomorrow. If you thought water demons and trolls and yetis were impressive, you haven’t seen anything yet.

But what did we get wrong? Which fantastic beasts deserves to be ranked higher? Which ones aren’t quite worthy of their spot? Tell us in the comments below.

Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts Images: Warner Bros. Studios


Hear some plot details from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

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