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The Ballad of New York City’s Subway Emergency Brake Bandit
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Based on New York City Twitter, on any given day the subway system in the Big Apple ranges somewhere between “total ****ing catastrophe” to “clearly we all died and were sent to literal Hell.” Needless to say, the trains aren’t exactly a bright spot in the greatest city in the world; and lately, things have been worse than ever thanks to a monster who has been terrorizing the entire subway system by pulling the emergency brakes on trains.

This nightmare (that we learned about at Jalopnik) is all too real for the commuters in NYC. Over the last few months, a long-unknown individual has been pulling the emergency brakes on subway cars during the busiest times of the day, halting entire lines. He then would disappear into the darkness of the tunnels, waiting to strike again. And while this might sound like an absurd premise for a comedy, it’s absolutely a major, dangerous situation the city has publicly acknowledged.

Now our immediate reaction was to blame the Foot Clan, but our lawyers insist they aren’t real and are unswayed when we argue that’s exactly what Shredder wants us to think. With no better leads themselves, officials asked the public for help in catching the Subway Bandit.

On Thursday, May 23, 23-year-old Isaiah Thompson was arrested for one such crime; he was released on bail (a whopping $5,000) two days later, according to the NY Daily News.

Basically, you live in actual Gotham now, but with less reliable public transportation.

Featured Image: Paramount Pictures