In virtually every horror film, the protagonist character(s) acts as the audience surrogate. We are meant to be right there with them in this stressful and deadly space as they fight for their lives against a murderous and/or malevolent force.
It is pretty rare that we get to experience a film through the viewpoint of an antagonist. But, without these killer fiends, this genre wouldn’t exist. We love them. And, it is kinda fun to think about what it would be like to be them. Admit it. You’ve thought about being a horror movie villain at least once. When you pondered a walk on the dark side, what kind of weapon did you see yourself carrying?
It’s quite the question to ponder during Nerdoween. The Nerdist editorial staff and freelancers gave this dark yet fun inquiry some thought, and we know exactly what weapon we would wield as a horror villain.
Phantasm Spheres to Seek Your Victim
If I were a horror villain, my weapon of choice would be the Phantasm spheres. Why? Because I’d be a lazy villain. These shiny silver orbs look deceptively simple, but once they lock onto you, it’s a wrap. They drill into skulls, spray blood everywhere, and leave victims bone dry. What makes them terrifying is their autonomy; you don’t even have to wield them. Unlike a machete or chainsaw, they hunt you down on their own.
That balance of futuristic tech and supernatural elements makes them the ultimate mix of a sci-fi nightmare. The thought of controlling not just one, but a whole swarm, would make me feel like Mr. Terrific or Magneto. Now imagine them hovering, silent, waiting in a room while I laugh like Shao Kahn from Mortal Kombat. Yeah… that’s horror movie villain perfection. Lazy but effective. -Felipe Patterson
“I have notoriously bad hand–eye coordination, so most classic horror weapons would be a terrible idea for me. Hand me Leatherface’s chainsaw, and the only person getting massacred would be me! I think I could do some serious damage with the Tall Man’s Sentinel Spheres from the Phantasm movies, specifically the Gold Sphere.
It’s a magic, telekinetic sphere that pursues targets across great distances, flying with deadly precision as it saws, drills, and cuts through anything between it and its target, which it handily dispatches with poison. With the Gold Sphere, I’d even get a heat laser! The Phantasm films may not be cinematic masterpieces, but they definitely nail that uncanny, dream-logic terror aesthetic, and if I were a horror villain, that would be the kind of realm I’d be most likely to thrive in.” -Margaret Hall
Serrated Sickles Slice and Dice Up Close
If villainy is in my blood, my weapon of choice would be dual serrated sickles. Because where’s the fun in killing if you cannot see and appreciate your handiwork up close? Not to mention, with skill, I can easily hurl my sickles at a retreating back as needed to halt any pesky fleeing. Literal flights of fancy stopped dead.
After all, I’m not the tortured villain, longing to shirk my monster label. Using serrated sickles as sharp as a great white shark’s incisors, I’m eviscerating my target with a soundtrack (something like “Bed Time Tales” or the instrumental music from One Missed Call) playing in the background. Horror fans and anime fans rejoice. We are talking about Gyutaro levels of madness and bloody carnage, but make it horrifying. -DarkSkyLady
An Axe to Swing for the Big Kill
If I were a horror movie villain, I would easily go with an axe as my weapon of choice. Scarily sharp and relatively easy to wield, an axe is the perfect choice for chopping up your victims. It’s just as sharp and effective as a knife, without the drawback of having to get so close for the big kill. Plus, the intimidation factor is perfect. I mean, imagine a ruthless villain eerily approaching you with a bloody axe in hand? That’s sure to make your blood run cold.
As evidence of my claim, several iconic horror villains have been known to wield an axe—Jason Voorhees, Patrick Bateman, the Axeman (the list goes on). These terrifying killers have successfully used an axe to hack through their victims with ease. Not only is it great for slicing through bone, but it can also be used when on the chase. Your next target barricaded themselves behind a door? No problem, just use your axe to break through it. Hey, it worked well enough for Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Heeere’s Johnny! -Sarah Campbell
A Menacing Machete to Craft a Horror Movie Massacre
While I do love the compactness and sleekness of Ghostface’s Buck 120 knife and the loud chaos energy of Leatherface’s chainsaw, Jason’s machete is the way to go. Its sturdy handle and relatively light weight makes it easy to wield. You can attack your victim from a further distance, thereby reducing your chances of them getting close enough to kill you first if they happen to have a handheld weapon. And, a closed door or even a window is no match for the machete. If you really have good aim, you can even launch it at your target to turn them into an instant victim. The menacing yet fly AF aesthetic and sheer sharpness of a machete makes it the perfect tool to rack up a high body count. I don’t foresee myself becoming a horror movie villain but if the creative gods allow it, I’m ready to hack someone up. -Tai Gooden
A machete is not merely a great answer for this list. It’s the correct answer. No other horror movie weapon combines the power, speed, and efficiency of Jason Vorhees’ signature tool of death. I can move with the swiftness of a katana and split a sexually active young adult in two far easier than an axe. Also it also looks really freaking cool. You really cannot underestimate how bad ass a machete looks. It’s massive yet elegant. Imposing yet chic.
There’s a reason Jason is the best slasher ever. His weapon allows no room for error. When he comes for you he gets the job done quickly and without question. And while he is out there cutting camp counselors in half with panache, other other famous cinematic sociopaths are running around with butcher knives, a.k.a. little machetes for babies. -Mikey Walsh
The Razor Gloves of Your Nightmares
Kitchen knives and chainsaws are effective killing tools. But you can get those at any hardware store. Freddy Krueger’s razor glove, though? Those are one-of-kind. From the moment we see Freddy constructing his steel claws in the opening of Wes Craven’s A Nightmare on Elm Street, it sparked a primal fear in audiences, evoking the dream slasher as more of an animalistic predator than an ordinary killer.
The gloves made Freddy’s killing tool more than just something he picks up and uses; they are an extension of his own body. If you’re going to be a horror film slasher, it’s best to have your murder weapon leave the kind of mark so that everyone will know it was you doing the evil deed. That’s what Freddy’s claws are so cool, they’re not just a weapon, they’re a signature. If you’re going to headline a horror franchise, best to have something no one else can lay claim to. -Eric Diaz
An Arcane Sword for Style (and a Dose of Magic)
If I were in a horror movie, it would probably be some kind of folk horror film, a dark fairy tale gone wrong. And, as such, I think the only appropriate weapon for me as a horror movie villain would be sorcery. Forget knives and axes, with dark magic as your weapon of choice there’s really nowhere for your foes to run and hide. You can achieve all manner of mayhem with spellwork—and also deliver just the right amount of justice to those who cross you. A petty slight? Suddenly your marks can never find what they’re looking for when they need it. A major transgression? Blood and guts it is. Although, just for style, I might carry an arcane looking sword. Sometimes you do need to take a swing at the problem. -Ro Rusak
Beauty Is Pain With Blood and Burns
If I were a villain in a horror movie, beauty tools would be my weapon(s) of choice. Curling irons, crimpers, chemical peels, eyelash curlers, scalpels, syringes – any of the pseudo-torture devices we willingly subject ourselves to for the sake of aesthetics.
Inspired in no small part by Cassie’s aggressive, ritualistic morning routine (and Marcell Rév’s cinematography) from Euphoria season 2, my hypothetical horror icon would weaponize the mundane, with the modus operandi that “beauty is pain.” Think one part The Substance and one part Hellraiser with a healthy dash of Drop Dead Gorgeous. -Lauren Coates
Ceiling Fan Blades to Chop Up Bodies
When I was a kid, I was terrified of the weirdest stuff. Not monsters or killers, that would be too normal. No, I was afraid of random things, like the sharp-pitched horn in my grandma’s car or ominous mail boxes at the end of long driveways. But my biggest fear, for reasons I’ll never understand, was ceiling fans. Something about those whirling blades felt dangerous and unsightly to me. I imagined a terrible death every time I looked at them. Which is why I think ceiling fan blades would make an excellent villain weapon for me.
The best slasher villains have trauma wrapped up in their choices, and what better way to vanquish childhood fears than to use the object of said fear to scare other people? I imagine many different blades affixed to my limbs Edward Scissorhands style, eviscerating whatever or whomever comes in my bath. It may not be the most practical or threatening sounding weapon on paper, but if the blades were small and sharp enough, I think they’d come off pretty damn sinister. -Lindsey Romain