You saw our top 5 most ludicrous monsters in 5th Edition Dungeons and Dragons, but what are the silliest spells a player can cast? There are some crazy ones from ages (and editions) past, but we’re sticking to spells you can use in your own 5e game.
Snilloc’s Snowball Swarm
Snowball fight! Sure, getting socked in the mouth by a snowball would hurt, but which inspires more terror: firing jets of flame from your palms, or throwing snowballs?
Fun fact: when D&D creator Gary Gygax ran games for his friends in the 70s, no one took it seriously. Gary’s son named his character Melf because he was playing a male elf, and the wizard Drawmij was played by designer Jim Ward. Was a game designer named Collins responsible for Snilloc’s Snowball Swarm?
Friends
If your job’s a joke, you’re broke, and your love life’s DOA, you might think the Friends cantrip is the perfect choice for you. There aren’t a lot of absolutely, positively, one hundred percent Good things in this world, but I’d say that having friends is one of those things.
But if you want friends, then the Friends spell might just be the worst option available. Yeah, you get advantage on your Charisma check for a minute, but when that minute’s up? Your new “friend” is instantly hostile towards you and knows you Jedi mind tricked them!
Vicious Mockery
This one might be my favorite spell ever written. It’s a bard-only spell, so you know it’s going to be wacky fun. Vicious Mockery lets you—are you ready for this?—insult your enemies to death. Now we’re talking. Let me use this spell in real life, please.
“You’re as ugly as an orc, without its charming personality.” Bam, 1d4 psychic damage.
“You’re so stupid, mind flayers pass on you because they don’t eat junk food.” Bam, 1d4 psychic damage!
It’s ridiculous. And awesome. Ridiculously awesome.
Glibness
The Glibness spell isn’t as wackadoodle in 5th edition D&D as it was in 3rd edition, so let’s talk about the older one for a sec. It’s a bard-only spell, like Vicious Mockery, so buckle up. Casting this spell nets you a +30 bonus on Bluff checks for 10 minutes per level. A plus-thirty bonus! The die only has 20 sides!
This spell boggles my mind in its potential for silliness. Once, long ago, one of my players—a jester—cast Glibness and approached her king. She told him that he was a shapeshifting imposter and that she was the real king. Even after all the penalties for ridiculous, bald-faced lies, the +30 bonus won in the end. I can’t think of a single thing sillier than that, which is why #5 is…
All those oddball spells from AD&D
TSR, the company that used to own D&D, published a bunch of really goofy spells in the ‘80s and ‘90s. None of them really top Glibness in potential for hilarious abuse, but here’s a mini Top 3 of my favorite weirdo spells from old D&D.
Sticks to Snakes – Just in case you’re in a forest, need some snakes in a hurry and didn’t prepare Conjure Animal. There’s some Biblical precedent for this one, though, so we’ll allow it.
Affect Normal Fires – I don’t know about you, but Affect Normal Fires is just about the most mystical name I can think of. You know what you’re getting into with this spell. Want to make your torch flame get a little bigger? Cool. Want to do literally anything else with fire? Maybe try something else.
Guise of the Yak-Man – Oh boy. Just from the name, we learn that this spell allows you to assume the appearance of a vile yak-man, which is absolutely as ridiculous as it sounds. If your campaign world contains yak-men (why?) then maybe this spell is kind of useful but… why not just use polymorph? Why yak-men?
Can you think of any spells sillier than these? Or have you created your own hilarious spells? Tell us about them in the comments!
Featured Image Credit: Richard Whitters
Image Credits: Wizards of the Coast, Order of the Stick, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Order of the Stick, Erol Otus