100 Outstanding One-Liners from the First 100 Episodes of Critical Role

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Vox Machina and their companions have now made it through one hundred episodes of Critical Role, and it’s been an incredible journey. Click those Boots of Haste and get ready to walk down memory lane with 100 unforgettable quotes from the first 100 episodes of everyone’s favorite Thursday night show.

Warning: Spoilers for Critical Role follow.

“I have an intelligence of six. I know what I’m doing.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 1

“Never attack the bedding before you know the thread count.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 2

“You lost our flying carpet, you unconscious bastard!” Vex’ahlia, Episode 3

“With great power comes great responsibility, shut up!” Vax’ildan, Episode 4

“In fact, we’ll be keeping your weapons, your armor, and, I believe, your pride.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 5

“I’m killing someone. Hold, please.” Vax’ildan, Episode 6

“In the darkness, I say, ‘F***.’” Vax’ildan, Episode 7

“The first thing I’m going to do is shoot twice in the face of this asshole.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 8

“I just hold her really tight. And I sniff her hair… and it smells like strawberries. And then I dimension door us to the boat.”
“Scanlan! Thanks!”
“Don’t worry, that hard wood is the boat.” Scanlan Shorthalt and Pike, Episode 10

“Screw you, I want my final words with you to be indignant and irritated.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 11

“No one’s on a first name basis with Gilmore. Gilmore is Gilmore. Except for maybe, maybe Vax.” Matt Mercer, Episode 14

“Yeah, you should have a fancy fighting name.”
“Phillip.” Scanlan and Grog, Episode 17

“I am Grog, the unintimidated.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 18

“You will leave when Burt Reynolds tells you to leave.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 19

”He smells like sandalwood, and dismissiveness.” Lyra, Episode 19

“Don’t you fly away from me, mother****er.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 19

“Us dwarves are known for our d***s that are sensitive to rat bites.” Thorbir, Episode 21

“Talk about my sister again.” Vax’ildan, Episode 21

“Oh, Kern, do you need some d***? Because I gave some to your mom last night!” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 23

“From the stands, I lift up my shirt and I say, ‘I love you, Grog!’” Vex’ahlia, Episode 23

“Uh, Grog isn’t here right now, this is Phillip.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 23

“Dagger’s so sharp it could cut the sexual tension.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 24

“No mercy, Percy!” Lilith, Episode 25

“Your soul is forfeit!” Percy de Rolo, Episode 25

“Hello! What a lovely dinner we had- LIGHTNING!” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 25

“It’s cow-maflage.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 26

“I go into a cow rage and start chewing faster.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 26

“Vox MOOOOO-china!” Keyleth, Episode 26

“I. Love. Dungeons & Dragons.” Matt Mercer, Episode 26

“Hello, I’d like to share the news of our lord and savior, my axe in your face!” Grog, Episode 29

“It’s a pristine piece of s**t.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 29

“Throwing everything we’ve got at this door!” Keyleth, Episode 29

“You’ve defeated beholders, slaughtered illithids in the Underdark, deep in the belly of the planet, but this DOOR bests you.” Matt Mercer, Episode 29

“BIGBY’S HAAAAND!” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 29

“The buttflap of my soul is down.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 30

“Oh my god, is it a holy feast? Do we all do holy damage now?”
“No, but holy s**t, it’s delicious.” Vex’ahlia and Matt Mercer, Episode 32

“You are, at the moment, the luckiest person in Whitestone. Do you know why? Because you’re at the bottom of my list.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 33

“You know I’m in love with you, right?” Vax’ildan, Episode 33

“Which one of my ancestors did you just shame to death?” Percy de Rolo, Episode 33

“You’re the face I saw when murder entered my heart.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 33

“I’d like to arm wrestle in case I need to eat my way out of sadness with pies.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 36

“Do not go far from me.” Vax’ildan, Episode 40

“If only I had taken a dump in the middle of town, I could see what’s going on right now.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 41

“I’ve missed you guys. I’ve never met you! But I missed you guys!” Keyleth, Episode 43

“Learn from my mistakes!” Victor the Black Powder Merchant, Episode 43

“I mean, she gave us a lot to sphinx about.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 43

“Secret weapon, I sleep near Percy a lot. He rhymes in his sleep, it’s the strangest thing.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 44

“Hello, everyone! And welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons. Hate you, Liam.” Matt Mercer, Episode 45

“Secrets aren’t safe when Vex is around!” Vex’ahlia, Episode 45

“I walk away. And then I come back.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 45

“It’s all sh***y, so it just depends on how you look at it. You can dwell on the s**t, or you can just leave it behind in people’s beds and keep going.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 45

“Your secret is safe with my indifference.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 45

“Grog, are you talking to your s**t?”
“Yeah, no, you gotta let it know who’s boss!” Scanlan and Grog, Episode 45

“A volcano is nature’s candle, what a stupid question!” Gern Blanston, Episode 46

“It’s better than ‘Tragedy Candle,’ that sounds like a shite band.”
“They opened for Vox Machina!” Percy de Rolo and Gern Blanston, Episode 46

“You know, I’m really good at reading people, and I know you’re telling me the truth right now.” Gern Blanston, Episode 46

“Oh, I do hope you have a necromancer in your group… ‘cause I’m looking at a f***** dead man.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 52

“For STRONGJAW!” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 52

“At dawn, we plan.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 53

“I’m sorry, who’s talking, who is this?”
“It’s the voice of reason, coming from downstairs.” Vex’ahlia and Percy de Rolo, Episode 53

“I would like to fist the wound.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 55

“I walk by, eating chicken and wearing no pants.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 56

“Sun Tree A-OK.” The Sun Tree, Episode 57

“Can I look down and say, ‘Hello, moppet.’ And I would like to rage.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 58

“I think you’ll probably have mercy on him, right?”
“Yeah, no, I’m actually going to hire him. He’s been great.” Scanlan and Percy, Episode 58

“Only in the house of lady favors do I let my beans hang out when I sleep.” Grog, Episode 58

“I’ve known a lot of people with money, and they are definitely not worth you.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 59

“Oh nymph, hear my ball!” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 59

“Bidet!” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 60

“Life needs things to live.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 63

“My heart is someone else’s.” Vex’ahlia, Episode 63

“I’d like to live long enough to be someone else.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 64

“It’s so rare that we’re actually given the opportunity to be honest about everything; we might as well try it once and see if we like it.” Percy de Rolo, Episode 65

“Spice? Do you spice?” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 65

“You can call me… the Meat Man.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 66

“You killed the wind!” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 68

“Larkin! Where are you?” Percy de Rolo, Episode 71

“What’s the first letter of the alphabet?”
“F*****n’ A, this is hard.”
“Oh! You said it!”
“F*****n’??” Pike and Grog, Episode 75

“Is there a weak point?”
“Our plan.” Kashaw and Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 78

“Would you like to talk before or after?” Vex’ahlia, Episode 78

“I need you to be positive.”
“I’m positive this is impossible.” Zahra and Kashaw, Episode 78

“Don’t cry. I’m just a little cold.” Scanlan Shorthalt, Episode 80

“I thought he’d never leave.” Vex’ahlia, Episode 81

“We don’t do anything with dignity.” Vex’ahlia, Episode 83

“You act as though the laws of the anthill affect the boot that crushes it.” Raishan, Episode 83

“It can be Shorthalt and de Rolo in heaven.”
“It’s so cute that you think either of us are going there.” Scanlan and Percy, Episode 83

“What’s the best thing you’ve got? That’s, you know, within reason.” Vex’ahlia, Episode 84

“You, little elf girl, what’s your name?” Taryon Darrington, Episode 85

“Hey, guys… We’re friends, right?”
“Worse. We’re family.” Keyleth and Percy, Episode 85

“Friends call me Tary, Jumbo.”
“Tary Jumbo.”
“No, you’re Jumbo, I’m Tary.” Taryon Darrington and Grog Strongjaw, Episode 86

“Is Antlers okay over here?” Taryon Darrington, Episode 86

“You can’t walk off in the middle of a game of hide-and-seek again. I’ve been in a barrel for an hour! I fell asleep in there!” Vax’ildan, Episode 87

“I think back to being in Percy’s workshop at Greyskull Keep and I say, ‘I love you, too.’ And I reach back and I slap the ever-loving f******g s**t out of his dead face.” Grog Strongjaw, Episode 89

“I give him a cotton candy kiss on his forehead.” Pike Trickfoot, Episode 89

“Well, you haven’t seen a door mimic before, because I don’t hate you that much yet.” Matt Mercer, Episode 90

“Vacations are my favored terrain.” Taryon Darrington, Episode 95

“There actually is a curse on our family. It’s called diabeetus.” Pike Trickfoot, Episode 96

“We’re gods. It’s fine.” Keyleth, Episode 97

“I guess I’ll punch a baby.” Taryon Darrington, Episode 98

“I even learned from Percival the… The type of man I want to marry some day.” Taryon Darrington, Episode 99

Tune into Twitch every Thursday night to hear even more memorable quotes from the next 100 episodes of Critical Role.

What is your favorite one-liner? Share it in the comments.

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