House of the Dragon‘s Criston Cole is not an all-time Westeros villain because he has no redeemable qualities. He wasn’t born a total monster like Joffrey Baratheon. Criston Cole is a worse monster because he chooses to be one. The Lord Commander and new Hand of the King could easily be a good, noble knight if didn’t love violating his oaths and responsibilities more than Tyrion loves brothels. And we saw just how true that is during season two’s third episode. His situational awareness saved the life of the arrogant Gwayne Hightower. Cole’s swift actions provided a brief—and truly unwelcome—reminder he’s actually good at some things. Fortunately the episode also gave us a new reason to detest him. It took away the one unquestioned positive thing even a hater like me would never deny someone as awful as Ser Criston Cole: his amazing hair.
Ser Criston Cole might be a vile, evil, amoral, craven lickspittle who sullies his white Kingsguard cloak with every breath he draws, but at least he always did so while sporting amazing hair. His dark flowing locks belied the ugly darkness lurking in the empty space where his heart should be. But at least he had the thin shadow of decency to look good while being so bad.
We know he’s a disgusting pig, but his hair was that of a brave and heroic knight they write stories about, the kind Sansa grew up loving. Ser Criston Cole had the hair of a leader.
Now House of the Dragon has taken that away from him and given him a stupid little haircut of a child. It looks like he asked for boy’s regular…from a barber’s apprentice…on their first day…when the barber wasn’t even present…and the scissors were broken and he only had a dull knife.
Why did he feel he needed a haircut in the first place? Why cut glorious hair voluntarily? Did he think hair that good was somehow revealing his “modest beginnings?” Did he think it wasn’t appropriate for the Hand of the King or for war? Who cares why he got it cut?! He’s a big dummy who doesn’t think before he acts. He just sent Ser Arryk to his death on a scheme too silly for Mr. Bean. Criston Cole never needs a good reason to do something bad and this haircut is no different.
Normally Criston Cole doing something indefensible would anger his biggest haters (:raises both hands and both feet:). Instead this is the best development of the season and maybe the series so far.
Losing his luscious locks is the best thing he’s ever done. We no longer have to give it up to Ser Criston Cole for anything. We don’t have to acknowledge there’s a single thing about him worth liking because he cut that one thing off. We’re free to fully, without guilt or disgust, bask in pure hatred.
His beautiful hair is gone. Long Short live his dumb little haircut.
Not short because we want him to grow his hair back out, which with any other character we would. Short because we hope he never gets the chance. Hopefully his next haircut does not come via scissors held by a barber who lost their glassed and was drinking all day. Hopefully Criston Cole’s next hairstyle comes via a dragon’s flame.
Mikey Walsh is a staff writer at Nerdist, great hair appreciator, and the world’s leading Criston Cole hater. You can follow him on Twitter and Bluesky at @burgermike. And also anywhere someone is ranking the Targaryen kings.
