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FANTASTIC BEASTS Magical Animal Rankings Part 3: #50-31

FANTASTIC BEASTS Magical Animal Rankings Part 3: #50-31

Today our tour through Newt Scamander‘s famous book, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, includes some of the most adorable and lovable beings of the wizarding world, as well as some of its most horrifying and deadly. But before you continue on with our rankings from 50 to 31, make sure you read the first two installments in our series so you don’t miss any on your trip to the greatest zoo ever imagined.

Part 1: Introduction and “creatures” that don’t belong in a zoo
Part 2: Numbers 72-51, from a normal looking fish to a beautiful weird insect

Remember, every creature’s Ministry of Magic (M.O.M.) Classification danger ranking is included. The official labels are:

x: Boring
xx: Harmless/may be domesticated
xxx: Competent wizard should cope
xxxx: Dangerous/requires specialist knowledge/skilled wizard may handle
xxxxx: Known wizard killer/impossible to train or domesticate

Now let’s apparate into the zoo and see something weird!

Professor-Trelawney-Harry-Potter

Yes, you’re right, that’s basically the same joke we made yesterday.

snape

Totally fair. Onto the fantastic beasts!

#50: PUFFSKEIN (xx)

Round and covered in a soft, custard fur, a puffskein resembles a Tribble from Star Trek. They have long, thin pink tongues and hum when they are happy. They love to be cuddled or even tossed around the room, making them ideal pets.

We imagine this part of the zoo would be interactive, and we have a feeling we’d find it hard to leave…without trying to sneak one of these little guys out with us.

#49: DIRICAWL (xx)

We Muggles and No-Majs have known about diricawls for centuries; we just thought they were dodos and that we drove them to extinction. These three-foot, plump, fluffy flightless birds can vanish when in trouble, which is why we don’t see them anymore.

dodo-diricawlImage: manchestermysteries

These birds somehow look silly and impressive simultaneously, and we’ve always wanted to see one in person. This ranking is either 15 spots too high or 15 spots too low; we have no idea. I guess you could say that when it comes diricawls we are real dodos.*

#48: BOWTRUCKLE (xx)

These little guys, made of bark, twigs, and eyes, only get up to eight inches in height, and are capable of hiding in plain sight among trees. They are certainly cute, we’d hope they too would be part of a hands-on exhibit. But they don’t differ all that much from some non-magical creatures, so they don’t rank that high.

bowtruckle

# 47: RE’EM (xxxx)

Our first “controversial” creature. Why, might you ask? Because a re’em is a literal giant, golden calf. That’s right, this oversized ox has a gold hide. We’re not suggesting you pray to it or anything, but you would definitely want to pay homage by visiting it. Ignore the thousands of years of bad press golden calves have dealt with and admire this majestic beast.

#46: NOGTAIL (xxx)

Not all of these magical creatures are aesthetically pleasing. Take the stunted demon, pig-like nogtail, which has long legs, a thick tail, and narrow black eyes. What the Nogtail lacks in size, grace, or anything redeeming, for that matter, he more than makes up for by being super freaky and hellish.

#45: POGREBIN (xxx)

And if you think a demon pig will frighten you, wait until you see a Russian demon that looks like a miniature humanoid monster. The pogrebin stands only a foot tall with a hairy body, but a totally smooth round head that looks like a rock. Non-wizards and wizards alike can deal with them by giving them a swift kick, but it will probably hurt.

If you want to know why we have something like this as high as we do, think about it really seeing an “animal” with a human face. It would be so bizarre it might possibly ruin your brain. But get ready, because soon enough our Muggle minds are going to have to come to grips with even more tiny human-like creatures that will challenge our ability to truly process what we are seeing.

#44: SALAMANDER (xxx)

We regular humans might never again have a chance to experience real magic when we leave the zoo, so we need to make sure we get a chance to see some real examples of it here. Even though a salamander is just a lizard, it lives in a way that would be incredible to actually watch with our own eyes.

A photo posted by Q Artwork (@q_artwork) on

That’s because these small little reptiles literally eat and live in fire. Depending on the heat of the fire they will appear blue or scarlet, but they are actually a “brilliant white.” No matter their appearance, we’ll be more than fascinated by their fire consumption.

#43: RUNESPOOR (xxxx)

We know those of you that love Slytherin would put this six- to seven-foot-long, three-headed snake with a bright orange and black striped body a lot higher, and we’re not sure you’re wrong. If we didn’t occasionally have real, non-magical two headed snakes to gawk at, we might have, too.

What’s really great about the runespoor is that all three heads serve a different function, and often argue with one another (and sometimes the first two eat the third one to stop listening to it whine). That means a stop here has a chance to be even weirder, and you know we love that.

#42: PORLOCK (xx)

This two-foot-tall creature guards horses, and kind of looks like one as well. The porlock has four stubby fingers on each hand and walks on two cloven legs. It has a shaggy fur that normally covers up its long nose, but that just makes it even cuter.

We definitely wouldn’t say “neigh” to stopping by his pen.**

#41: NIFFLER (xxx)

Plenty of folks think that this adorable, fluffy black animal with a long snout and a penchant for finding treasure (even when it knows it shouldn’t) will be the breakout star of the movie, and we agree. A niffler is obviously one of the cuter animals to come out of Newt’s briefcase, and we’d love to see a bunch of them running around a pen.

niffler-fantastic-beasts

But we’re sorry, because even though you’re already excited to see one on screen, we can’t justify a higher ranking with so many more animals still to visit that are far weirder, more exotic, or more mesmerizing.

#40: ERUMPENT (xxxx)

Or, in the case of an erumpent, enormous. This rhino-like wrecking ball, with its humongous sharp horn, is mighty impressive and would be hard to pass up.

erumpent

We actually would have had him lower, thinking he was just a larger version of the type of rhino that we can see at our regular zoos (which is still awesome), but he was fortunate enough to be included in one of the Fantastic Beasts trailers, and his glowing head and sheer ferocity bumped him up.

#39: PLIMPY (xxx)

Finally! A really weird fish we can get excited about, and boy is this round, mottled critter bizarre. Not because of anything it can do, but because it just so happens to have two long legs and webbed feet. That’s right, a plimpy is a walking fish.

A photo posted by Natalia (@natalia.sketch) on

If Charles Darwin had ever stumbled upon a plimpy he would have lost his mind.

#38: JARVEY (xxx)

The jarvey didn’t make it this high because of its appearance, as it really just looks like a large ferret. It ended up here because it’s essentially an insult comic. Yeah, a jarvey can talk, and while it might be only in short conversations, they are often very rude. And don’t act like you wouldn’t want to see a talking animal. You know that every human turns into a child when they see a talking parrot, and Mr. Ed still holds up.

#37: RED CAP (xxx)

We’re about to hit the part of the rankings with a lot human-looking creatures, the first up being the red cap: a dwarf-like creature who lives in holes where human blood was spilled and who is fond of murdering Muggles. It might well be the most macabre of these types of animals.

#36: IMP (xx)

An imp is a less impressive pixie, for which it is often confused because it only grows to six to eight inches. Unlike the pixie, the imp can’t fly, and it ranges in color from dark brown to black. An imp would still be freakish to see, and they are mischievous, but it definitely suffers in comparison to similar types of magical creatures.

impImage: SC Videos

#35: PHOENIX (xxxx)

We know what a phoenix looks like thanks to Dumbledore’s own Fawkes, but really imagine what one of these six-foot tall birds, with its gorgeous scarlet coat and golden tail, would look like in person. It might be the most beautiful bird you’d ever see. Then imagine seeing one burst into flames before being reborn right in front of you. The zoo could have an enormous phoenix aviary, and you’d sit there all day watching them bursting in to flames, being all sorts of awesome.

dumbledore-fawkes

#34: FAIRY (xx)

Fairies are really stupid and really tiny, only between one and five inches, but they look like miniature people with wings so we couldn’t pass them up. Plus, we’ve been reading about fairies for centuries, so it would be nuts to see them in the flesh. When they start buzzing around your head, making their high-pitched sound though, you’d probably stop treating them like Tinkerbell and more like gnats.

#33: GNOME (xx)

Gnomes, which are about a foot tall with large heads and bony feet, are also among the most famous magical creatures in our own literature and legends. As such, this feels like a good spot for one in the magical zoo. Again, seeing a human-like creature staring back at you would shatter your brain.

#32: UNICORN (xxxx)

Maybe the most purely beautiful species here, Newt’s unicorns don’t have wings, but they do have a stunning white coat, golden hoofs, and their signature horn. Just like the fairies, unicorns are so ubiquitous in our own legends that we’d be awed by their very real presence.

The Last Unicorn_11012015Image: Amazon

#31: LETHIFOLD (xxxxx)

And the majestic unicorn is followed by maybe the most purely terrifying animal. Not only is a lethifold lethal, it’s almost impossible to defend against. That’s because a lethifold looks like a black blanket, about half-an-inch in size, that glides along the ground, where it attacks sleeping people. It then suffocates them and eats them before leaving, with no trace of the victim left behind.

lethifoldDid Newt release a lethifold in New York City? If so, uh, yikes!

A “blanket” might not seem all that interesting to look at, but seeing one of the rarest, most dangerous creatures in the world would be a thrill, since so few people have ever lived to say that they have.

If you think some of these fantastic beasts are ranked too low, that should let you know what this zoo still has in store for us. So make sure to come back tomorrow for the animals from 30-11, an amazing list that includes a snake born from the flames, the creepiest flying little people yet, and some of the most famous beasts from Harry Potter.

But what do you think of our rankings? Which animals are too high? Which ones are too low? Give us your list in the comments section below.

*We make no apologies for this joke.

**This one we feel a little badly about.

Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts Images: Warner Bros. Studios


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