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RIVERDALE is a Very Horny TWIN PEAKS (Review)

RIVERDALE is a Very Horny TWIN PEAKS (Review)

Editor’s Note: this review contains very minor plot spoilers for the pilot, but we promise it will not ruin your viewing experience to read it beforehand!

Riverdale is a very horny TV show. Within the first fifteen minutes of the pilot, Archie and friends have discussed “wank banks” and scoring with “cougars.” Archie has also slept with a teacher at his school—in other words, this is not the Riverdale of the Archie comic series. This is not a wholesome, adorable show about a small town. It’s about sexed-up teens, death, angst, and heartbreak. And it’s really, really great.

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The setup is darker than expected, focusing heavily on the death (or murder) of Cheryl Blossom’s twin brother. Long, somber shots of the town bring the pilot episode of Twin Peaks to mind: This small town is insanely creepy, and there are clearly dark things lurking below the surface. One of the lines from the show’s opening monologue notes that if you look closely at the town of Riverdale, you’ll “start seeing the shadows underneath.” That may as well be the theme for the entire pilot, as it seems dead set on letting you know that every corner of Riverdale is masked in sinister darkness. There’s a central murder mystery, but there are also about a million other mysteries lurking in every line of dialogue.

That said, what’ll no doubt standout to most viewers is that Riverdale is as sex-obsessed as real life high school sophomores. When I say it’s horny, I’m not kidding. It is so damn horny. Yes, it’s a dark, brooding drama, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be drenched in abs and boobs and make-out sessions. For instance, when Betty and Veronica try out for the cheerleading squad, they are pushed to show some real “fire” and enthusiasm. So, they turn to each other and have a slow, passionate kiss. It’s a real “what the hell?!” moment.

Riverdale -- "Chapter Two: A Touch of Evil" -- Image Number: RVD102a_0213.jpg -- Pictured (L-R): Cole Sprouse as Jughead Jones and KJ Apa as Archie Andrews -- Photo: Diyah Pera/The CW -- © 2016 The CW Network. All Rights Reserved

The one thing that really gives me hope that this show will work long term is the cast. K.J Apa is pretty good as the conflicted and brooding Archie and Luke Perry is, of course, awesome. Cole Sprouse is in the pilot for like two minutes, so w’ll save our judgement on his Jughead, but Betty and Veronica as played by Lili Reinhart and Camila Mendes? Holy cow, amazing. They steal the show, no doubt. Betty is sweet, beautiful, and shy; Veronica is powerful, sexy, and dominating. They’re great and every second they aren’t on screen is a second wasted. If Riverdale lasts, it’ll be on the strength of the cast.

I’m a fan of the Archie characters. I love how malleable they are. The horror themed Afterlife With Archie shouldn’t work, but it does. Archie Vs. Predator shouldn’t work, but it does. The pilot episode of Riverdale shouldn’t work, but my god it does. It’s so over-the-top, so cranked to eleven, you can’t help but love it.

4.5 deeply horned-up burritos out of 5:

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Images: The CW

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