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New Game Cabinet Eliminates Need for Legs And Friends


This is retardulous. In video gaming’s lifelong quest to deprive nerds the opportunity of reproduction comes a fatal blow to physical contact with the opposite sex: Dream Arcades’ Octane 120. Via Coolest Gadgets, this is the Doc Brown-type contraption that you tell your friends you’re going to build when you grow up and have money. In fact, I think that perspective is the best way to describe its Swiss Army Nerd feature set:

“So, when I’m eighteen and I can get out of this stupid house and away from my stupid mom and her stupid boyfriend Wayne, I’m totally gonna rent my own place and there won’t even be any furniture, man…I’m just gonna build like a video game racing cabinet that you can sit in and play XBox and PS3 and Wii—I’m gonna have all of those—and there’s gonna be a kegerator in the back with one tap for girls to watch me rock at Gran Turismo and another tap near the steering wheel—SEE, WAYNE!!! I can drink and drive TOO!!!—and a built-in projector that’s gonna throw up a ten-foot screen against the wall and it’s gonna sound killer cuz I’m gonna arm that bitch with Dolby 5.1…yeah man…life’s gonna be PRETTY sweet…(sobbing)”

The truth is, you would have to be motivated by a drunken father figure to go build one of these on your own because the Dream Arcades version is a pube shy of 7 grand.



Image: Dream Arcades

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  1. smoovebert says:

    dammit chris. you have brought shame on me. i already obsessively put away my logitech steering wheel after playing gt5 prologue for fear of never having a girlfriend ever again. unfortunately, the rock band drum kit is not as easy to hide.

  2. shiri says:

    That lil tirade was the funniest thing I have read all week! (and i just got done showing my coworkers the sad turtle dog with legs and pincher hands.)
    The sobbing at the end is what really sells it.

  3. Casi says:

    nerd might as well bye this instead of a house
    all he needs is that, a really big box, and an alley to liv in.
    and forget the toilet
    wear a diaper
    now you dont even hav to wash ur hands

  4. The Nerdist says:

    AGREED. And it better have that Japanese water pik for your butt system. Wiping time takes away from gaming time.

  5. Eh...Maybe says:

    No toilet, no deal.