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Episode 371: Nerdist Podcast
Fred Willard Returns!
Nerdist PodcastNerdist Podcast

Nerdist Podcast: Fred Willard Returns!

Fred Willard returns to the show for a full episode! He sits down with Chris and Jonah to talk about the time he was on a live Nerdist podcast, the way jokes are formed and interpreted, and his role on the HBO show Family Tree!

Watch Tommy Wiseau's Joker Audition Tape

Watch Tommy Wiseau's Joker Audition Tape

ANNIHILATION's 'Shimmer' and Ending Explained

ANNIHILATION's 'Shimmer' and Ending Explained

Science Explains Why Your Cat Keeps Knocking Stuff Over

Science Explains Why Your Cat Keeps Knocking Stuff Over



  1. Patty Marvel says:

    @Three Toes of Fury – Well played, good sir or madame.

    @Jetpack Blues – DAMMIT, that was a good one.

  2. JetpackBlues says:

    @Patty: You forgot Axel Rosacea.

    Partners of patients taking Piagra may experience gushiness and splooshing.

  3. Three Toes of Fury says:


    R – E – S – PEE – E -C -T


  4. Patty Marvel says:

    @Three Toes of Fury – Thanks.

    True story – I came up with “Urethra Franklin” when I had to remember parts of the human reproductive systems for an undergrad biology class, much to the amusement of all my male lab partners.

  5. Three Toes of Fury says:

    @Patty Marvel & @ Jetpack Blues….


    That is all.

    Peace & cant stop giggling at Urethra Franklin.


  6. JetpackBlues says:

    :Picks up mic, proceeds to beat dead horse with it:

    Further symptoms & side effects:

    Peristalsis, the vapors, archibaldness, paranoimia, increased flight risk, Istanbul (not Constantinople), Sudden Imminent Departure Syndrome (SIDS), irritable Ewe Boll, symptomseemia, Letterman’s hypmotosis, explosive simultaneous multiple orifice discharge, and tainted love.

    If, while taking Piagra, you have feelings of being less than 1/3 of a person, and these feelings continue for more than 10 trillion digits, continue taking Piagra*.

    *Warning: Continued use of Piagra in situations where any or all of the aforementioned symptoms become manifest, it is recommended that you shelter in place to avoid contagion. Exposure to daylight may cause masturbation induced seizures.

  7. Patty Marvel says:

    @Three Toes of Fury – :SLOW CLAP:

    And while we’re at it…

    Side effects of Piagra may include:

    1. Cerebrovascular the Aardvark
    2. Cirrhosis of the Sphincter
    3. Urethra Franklin
    4. Chronic Happy Feet
    5. Social Influenza
    6. Windiness and Lisa
    7. Restless Heart Syndrome (know also as “Green Day’s Disease”)
    8. Cankle Crabs
    9. Itchy Areolas
    10. Hungry Hungry Herpesvirus
    11. Meerkatting
    12. Malignant Rumors
    13. Siouxie and the Bad Knees
    14. Primary Hypertexts
    15. Hypertensive Reno, Nevada Disease
    16. One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying, Purple Renal Glands
    17. Subcutaneous Jockstrap
    18. Hypodermis Neelmeyer
    19. Pearl Toe Jam
    …and finally…
    20. Lynyrd Skyngraft


  8. Patty Marvel says:

    @Everyone making with the funny in this thread – Cthulu DAMMIT, I love you people SO farking much. And I’ve lost count of how many Chrises (Chrisi? Fark it, whatever) are in here now.

    On a totally different note (G minor?), I see Team Nerdist is closing in on 400 episodes. Here’s a thought for #500 – have not just a live podcast, but a live *streaming* podcast where listeners can tweet in questions. Maybe you could charge for the live and streamed versions and have half the money go to a charity like Bill O’Reily (SP?) and Jon Stewart did a few months ago? THEN post the free podcast a few days later, at which time people couldn’t get their quemments read and answered, but at least they’d get to hear the show.

    Just a random thought. Do with it what you will.

  9. Todd Mason says:

    “Bloody” being a rude word in the UK because it’s referring to “God’s blood”…at least for Xians.

    Meanwhile, not only was John Cleese doing an Oxbridge show in NYC in the early/mid ’60s for a stretch, but he was engaged by (MAD comics founding editor) Harvey Kurtzman’s magazine HELP! to act in a photo-fumetti (comics, essentially, with photos instead of drawing/painting), and so met and and worked with Kurtzman’s assistant, Terry Gilliam (who had followed Gloria Steinem in that job…she didn’t do so much art for the magazine, but apparently was very good at getting big-name comedians and comic actors to pose for the covers).

  10. Darksidedork says:

    Freds such a sharp guy, i hope im as funny/dirty as he is when im that age. I wish he were my grandpa!!

  11. ΩChris says:

    Side effects dictated but not read, conducted by a back-handed study include: Yellow Ledbetter, cryptomania, and a sudden inexplicable webbing of the taint.

  12. Chris says:

    I like that Chris Hardwick is Chris Prime (Opti-Chris Prime?)

    I like to think of myself as Chris Prime of Earth 2 in the multiverse. Like when Quinn Mallory went to the other universes and he looked different on the other worlds. Kinda.

    For the Nerdist of Earth 2 go to

    That’s a real thing.

  13. Three Toes of Fury says:

    additional side effects of Piagra include, but are not limited to,

    * Pauly Shoregasms
    * Dissapearing pet rabbits (get it…”hare loss”…bwhaha)
    * Vacuum build up in bowels creating inverted farts
    * lazy earlobe
    * Constant charley horse
    * Twitchy balls
    * Pete Holmes cataracs (removed only with laser accuracy)
    * swelling in chest (not of user but those within 4′)
    * Buldging rectum (“rectum?…Damn near killed ’em!”)
    * intense smell of playdoh eminating from belly button

    If you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours while using Piagra…sit tight….its just starting to work.

    Peace .n. Operating Heavy Machinery while taking Piagra is encouraged.


  14. OtherChris(GAMMA CHRIS) says:


    I’M SORRY! I forgot I’m GammaChris and NOT Beta Chris. My apologies Beta Chris.

  15. OtherChris(Beta Chris) says:

    I say we settle all of this with a game of air hockey… Or perhaps a conference. NAPAC? National Association of People Christened Christopher? No Christians allowed.

  16. @ChrisPrime
    Warning: If your posi-boner lasts for a number of hours that is not the root of any nonzero polynomial having rational coefficients, please see a doctor immediately. Other Piagra side effects may include Archimedial Welts and Squdgebutt.

  17. Chris Hardwick says:

    I think I like Chris Prime. Or, building of the pharma spam a few messages up, Vitamin C.

    It is a FACT (documentation missing) that impotence, or nega-boners as they are referred to in Physics, are the NUMBER ONE cause of all divorce cases. If you are needing the ratio of the circumference of your penis to its diameter, Piagra may be for you. Side effects may include 4th dimensional temporal discharge and diurnal felching.

  18. Chris says:

    Ok, I should have listened to the episode first. I get the random things in this thread now.

    Everything but the squeal is the funniest thing I heard today.

  19. JetpackBlues says:

    @Beta Chris & Other Chris: I wanna be ΩChris now, just because. Makes me sound like a PacRim Jaeger or a Battletech mech.

    Maybe Hardwick can change from Alpha Chris to ΛChris (Revenge of the Nerds reference) and battle until one of us starts crying.

    Ah Scrapple, or as I refer to it “everything but the squeal!”

  20. Chris says:

    Going off the rails on the crazy train.

    Scrapple at Cracker Barrel?

    Made from the most obscure stuff on Earth.

  21. -Di. says:

    Ok here is information no one really asked for but I’m offering it up because I’m a distributor of knowledge tech and beyond!!

    The reason why English speakers call München Munich is because the region is/was home to Monks. The Latin word for Monks is Municum. Since many maps had the Latin word and not the German word, the area is known by English speakers as Munich.

    Deutschland became known as Germany because the Romans called that part of the world Germania. Maps had the Roman word for the area so the name stuck.

    Worrying about stuff hanging from the nose: I suffer from allergies so I’m always wondering if there is something in the nasal area that shouldn’t be.

    New Nerdist Meme: Scrappling the bottom of the barrel??????

  22. Chris says:

    @gammachris you officially have the coolest of the Greek numbered chris’. I’d take it instead of having to face either of the other Chris’ in mortal combat. Though imagine if the hunger games was made up of people sharing the same full name and it was a bunch of John Smiths battling to the death to be the last and only John Smith. And what’s with the random posts here. I mean I guess I get bsg mentioning jeopardy because Quemments are as dead as Chris Farley and just as funny.

  23. bsg says:

    How do you not bring up your win on celebrity jeopardy more often?

  24. Other Chris says:


    How about you, me, and Hardwick have a fight to the death over who gets the name? Chrislianders: There can only be one.

  25. Chris says:

    @Jetpack Oh you’re right. I was distracted by my phonograph. Wait, I actually have one. Can you stop putting #2 next to my name. The F in my email address doesn’t stand for Fecal Matter. I’m not saying I’d rather be #1, can I be Beta Chris to Chris Hardwick’s Alpha Chris

  26. It is a fact that so many divorce cases are logged in
    court due to only this cause. Moreover, Viagra has helped
    treat impotence associated with diabetes, spinal cord injuries, prostate surgery, and even some
    other mysterious causes. Lime is a great source of antioxidants, folic
    acid, vitamin C – all what is needed for men’s health.

  27. JetpackBlues says:

    @Chris#2: Not misspelled my friend, but misused. 😉

    Ugh, hold on, someone’s calling me on the homophone.

  28. Chris says:

    @Jetpack I guess your right. It’s the more commonly misspelled words.

  29. JetpackBlues says:

    @Chris#2: No, I know exactly witch words to use. And I’ll be able to here Chris gnashing his teeth over the Internet the moment he’s red them.

  30. Chris says:

    @jetpack eye don’t think ewe tried hard enough too misspell or misplace as many words as ewe could half.

    Though on a more serious note, I saw Fred Willard in the description and I thought it was Fred Stoller who had been making the rounds.

    Fred Willard is the second best thing about all those Christopher Guest movies. That shitty mom from the Home Alone movies is my fav thing about those.

  31. JetpackBlues says:

    @Chris: Your inclined too change it too what ever you like. What have you got to loose?


  32. Chris Hardwick says:

    @Dave: I know it changes it a little but should it be “scrapping the barel”? Add a p, lose an r?

  33. Frank Gillen says:

    I thought Vader Pussy was the original Nerdist meme?

  34. Aaron says:

    LOL, has that become our first official Nerdist-originated meme?

  35. Dave says:

    Really “scrapping” the barrel (Sorry, had to be the one to say it) ;D