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Heinz Technology Brings Mobile Ketchup Into The 21st Century


GONE are the days when a diminutive ketchup slit merely weeps globs of the tomato-ey condiment onto a plastic sleeve that in turn becomes a shitty, makeshift spreading mechanism. FINALLY the Heinz Illuminati will soon usher in an Elizabethan Age of Mobile Ketchup onto our fries and hearts. And an additional wisp of packet sorcery seems to allow fattening humans the ability to either “clip it” or “dip it.”

Oh, what a time to be alive!!!

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  1. shiri says:

    “mooooon pie, what a time to be alive!”

  2. Scott says:

    The bigger question remains: Will you still need 42 packets to accommodate a single bag of small fries from McD’s?

  3. Keri says:

    Woo Hoo for ketchup lovers every where!!!!

  4. Cillekow says:

    Let me guess, America will be the only country using these right?

  5. Megan Chapman says:

    Genius! Sheer genius!

  6. Deltus says:

    I think back to the halcyon days of youth, when if I wanted to dip my fries in ketchup, I’d have to clear out an area on my plate or burger wrapper and smoosh ketchup from those old, rectangular packets. How naive. But, it was a simpler time back then. The salad years, huh?

  7. chrism says:

    Oh no! Elementary students everywhere will be disappointed that they can no longer stuff those tiny ketchup packets in their pockets and stomp on them at recess….what will they do for entertainment now?

  8. Meg says:

    omg HEINZ YES, BABY! 🙂 thx for this VIP info. with love, from a fellow ketchup-lover. mmmm yeah.

  9. ryan says:

    its nice to know in an age of famine and disease scientists are still making getting fat easier. GO! USA! XD

  10. Briz says:

    Yeah, well MY MOM had this idea, and I punched her in the face. And I’d do it again.

  11. Patrick says:

    My mom thought of this years ago. She’ll be mad when I tell her that someone else actually did it.

  12. Sonny Rodriguez says:

    That’s cool!

  13. tiny says:

    where are those available for sale? i sure have a lot of corn dogs that need saucing. also, do they come in mustard?

  14. Andrew says:

    It’s funny because my mom had this idea a few years ago when she got mad a ketchup packets. I told her she was stupid. Now look, we could of made money.

  15. Tim says:

    I’m just glad somebody put in the time to cure cancer and AIDS before tackling this one.

  16. Nate says:

    I just love how the directions take up a good half of the package

  17. Ashleigh says:

    oh just another way to make America just a little bit more lazy…

  18. Silence says:

    yes, but to they still splort satisfyingly when you step on them?

  19. unlucky17 says:

    thank god for this.

  20. Kaileigh says:

    Good maybe I won’t have to open them for everyone under twelve from now on. FINALLLLEEEEEEEEEE.