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GAME OF THRONES Season 7 Descriptions are MAD MEN-Levels of Infuriating

GAME OF THRONES Season 7 Descriptions are MAD MEN-Levels of Infuriating

Editor’s Note: this post may contain minor details about Game of Thrones that you may find spoiler-y if you’re not caught up through season 6—don’t say we didn’t warn you!

Excuse our French, internet, but what in the seven hells is this shit? HBO has long joked about how networks like AMC and FX have made huge strides in the prestige TV game, giving them a run for their money the it’s-not-TV network has not previously seen. I mean, just look at how riveted we, as audiences are, by series like Legion and Mad Men and Fargo and The Walking Dead. So it’s not really all that surprising this season’s Game of Thrones episodic descriptions feel pulled directly from the Matt Weiner playbook. By that we mean: they’re vague as hell and tell us literally nothing. DAMN YOU BENIOFF AND WEISS! *shakes fist in the air angrily*

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Released Friday morning, the descriptions for the first three episodes of season 7 give us very little on which to speculate. Look:

Episode #61: “Dragonstone” | Sunday, July 16 (9:00-10:00 p.m.) | Written by David Benioff & D. B. Weiss; dir: Jeremy Podeswa

Jon (Kit Harington) organizes the defense of the North. Cersei (Lena Headey) tries to even the odds. Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) comes home.

Episode #62: “Stormborn” | Sunday, July 23 (9:00-10:00 p.m.) | Written by Bryan Cogman; dir: Mark Mylod

Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) receives an unexpected visitor. Jon (Kit Harington) faces a revolt. Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) plans the conquest of Westeros.

Episode #63: “The Queen’s Justice” | Sunday, July 30 (9:00-10:00 p.m.) | Written by David Benioff & D. B. Weiss; dir: Mark Mylod

Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) holds court. Cersei (Lena Headey) returns a gift. Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) learns from his mistakes.

da-fuck-varys

I mean, come on, right? What in the literal f**k is this ish? This is “Don goes for a walk” levels of garbage and obfuscation of the plot and I, for one, am NOT HERE FOR IT — mostly because I’m a very melodramatic, hyper-reactive type and it’s simply what I do. But also because: we have LITERALLY NOTHING on which to go for our typical bit of speculatory fanfare.

And it all focuses on Dany, Cersei, and Jon which—if you know anything about the series—is deeply misleading considering the players involved are but spokes on the wheel of chaos that is living in Westeros. And folks like Samwell Tarly and Arya and the Hound (because CLEGANEBOWL) and even Euron Greyjoy are undoubtedly going to play major, major parts in the story this season. What they aren’t saying says far more than what these descriptions do, because they point to much more specific plot points about the series’ endgame. Because magic and history play a huge, huge part in the story and breaking the wheel that—in our humble opinion of the story itself—the religions of the Realm have created to maintain the illusion of control. Why else have a story about a Throne that also has a major dead people invasion with an icy king of the night at its center?!

The real dread looms, is what we’re saying, and HBO is doing everything in its power to ensure that they—and we—do not spoil that for y’all.

What do you think of the descriptions? Have any theories? Let us know in the comments below.

Images: HBO
GIFs via Giphy

Alicia Lutes is the Managing Editor of Nerdist and creator/co-host of Fangirling and resident Archmaester for all things Game of Thrones. Find her on Twitter!

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