The pumpkin spice people have finally done it. They have finally gone too far. We were willing to accept the existence of Pumpkin Spice Spam. And we would have actually eaten Kraft Pumpkin Spice Mac & Cheese. But the newest culinary crossover featuring that fall season flavor is so weird it borders on abomination. Because Pumpkin Spice Cup Noodles sounds like a Mad Lib from the ninth gate of Food Hell.
Nissin, maker of Cup Noodles, has announced its wildest variation is returning to stores this October. The official description for this unholy variation of instant ramen noodles recognizes its product’s inherent absurdity. That is until you read the last line. Then it goes from silly to genuinely upsetting. You’ll see:
The most outlandish pumpkin spice flavor on the market, Cup Noodles Pumpkin Spice is back to provide you with the ultimate fall treat you’ll be craving all season. Made with a special pumpkin seasoning that’s the perfect blend of sweet, savory and spiced, these saucy noodles are ready with just a splash of water and four minutes in the microwave. For the full experience, top this cozy snack with whipped cream!
Add whipped cream. To your instant ramen. Whipped cream. Whipped cream.
The government might need to get involved. At the very least we’re calling the FBI to make sure they know about this. But if you’d much rather eat this than report it, you’ll be able to get yours at select retailers starting in October. Which is appropriate. Not because its the month when pumpkins get to shine, but because it’s the scariest month of the year. When frightening ghosts, ghouls, and demons roam the land.
This Halloween, though, nothing will be as scary as Pumpkin Spice Cup Noodles. Except whatever bizarre food crossover trumps it.
Originally published August 4, 2021