Self-quarantine is not for everyone. Social distancing is a kind of Hell for social butterflies who yearn to interact with others. But homebodies have been waiting for this moment their whole lives. Cancelling plans is a tiny act of heroism now and not something friends derisively call “typical.” In honor of these brave souls who have what it takes to endure time alone, here are nine fictional characters who would have loved being stuck indoors.
Seinfeld‘s laziest character (we say that with deep admiration) wouldn’t have to work during coronavirus. He could sit at home in sweats—or velvet—eating snacks, drinking soda, and watching TV, all from the comfort of his recliner. It’s literally all he has ever wanted. He’d be downright giddy about the whole thing and unable to hide his glee over a global pandemic. We can just hear him on the phone with Jerry right now screaming, “The Quarantine of George!”
30 Rock‘s Liz Lemon would treasure being forced to stay home, where Jack, Tracey, and Jenna couldn’t bother her. She could bundle up in her snuggie and turn “Night Cheese” into “All Day Cheese.” We doubt she’d ever move from her couch. And while we know Lemon was a workaholic, that’s why forced quarantine would be perfect for her. She wouldn’t have a choice.
Being forced to stay home means 1) no contact with other people 2) you’re free to do needed work on your own home and 3) you have plenty of time to start new projects. Parks and Rec‘s Ron Swanson was MADE for a situation like this. He’d unplug his phone so no one could interrupt him while he built an ark from scratch. By the time it was over he would have had another story or two on his house.
Bears are solitary figures naturally, and His Dark Material‘s Iorek Byrnison already has experience living in forced isolation. He’d know how to handle COVID-19, especially since social distancing keeps others safe. The honorable bear king would not want to needlessly innocent people. He’d be fine on his own for as long as he needed to be in quarantine, passing the time by producing some fantastic metalwork.
We’re always sorry Daria is a fictional character, but that’s especially true now. She’d love being cut off from her fellow students so much we wish she actually get to be in quarantine. Quinn on the other hand would hate social distancing more than anyone, so Daria would probably get a kick out of seeing her sister going mad. Also, our favorite misanthrope is secretly lazy, so she’d love having nothing to do.
The Three-Eyed Raven’s whole existence is a type of self-quarantine. His body is literally part of a tree. But thanks to his powers he can still “visit” anywhere he wants, in both the past and the present. If anything a world-wide quarantine order would give him a chance to do what he really wants without the Children of the Forest around. And he wouldn’t have to worry some kid and his large friend would show up asking to be mentored.
When we first met Willow Rosenberg she was content to have next to no friends and sit alone at lunch period. And she didn’t mind being unpopular. That meant more time in the library losing herself in books and that new fangled thing called “surfing the net.” She’d be more than fine quarantining herself as long as she had both ancient tomes to translate and internet access.
We’re supposed to only be listing fictional characters only. And Curb Your Enthusiasm‘s Larry David would love social distancing more than any other character in history. But the real Larry David probably loves it too. We’re not sure if that disqualifies him from this list or if that means it should be named after him. We’d love to ask him, but there’s no chance he’s going to talk to anyone right now when he doesn’t have to.
(Pretty amazing that when you consider George Costanza was based on him, Larry David shows up on this list three times. The social distancing king!)
Being a de facto god who can create life out of nothing really has its perks during social distancing. And while we’d be pretty disappointed with him for not simply using his powers to get rid of COVID-19 entirely, we wouldn’t be surprised. He’s not super helpful for the same reason he’d love forced quarantine. We’ll let him explain.
You know, Mars would be a great place for anyone right now. It isn’t suffering from a global pandemic.
Featured Image: NBC, HBO