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An “Assault Trombone” Would Not Help You in a Zombie Apocalypse

Let’s say it’s the zombie apocalypse, and you find yourself hiding from a horde of the undead in a music store. They’ve just broken down the front door, and they’ve spotted you, cowering behind the counter, by the brass instruments. What’s your weapon of choice?

The trombone would be a solid pick: It’s hard, seemingly strong, has good length, and has two main components, so you could go out swinging with both hands. If you were really lucky—and we mean supremely, outrageously lucky—you might find yourself an “assault trombone,” and while that sounds super badass, we may have overstated how lucky finding one would make you.

It certainly looks like a weapon, but you’d probably be better off whacking zombies with it than using it as intended. The video itself, above, provides few details about its function, but from what we’ve gathered, it looks like the kid’s father manually creates pressure with a pump in some sort of air tank strapped to the boy’s back. A tube goes from that to the modified trombone, which has been fused with the back end of a shotgun. Pull the trigger, and what you have is essentially a super loud fart noise machine.

Is the assault trombone great for assault? Probably not, but if any of you are motivated enough to reverse-engineer one of these things for yourself, we’ve come up with some alternate uses so your efforts are not futile: part of a costume for a soldier in the ska wars, an alert system for lost campers, or a tool to become the most hated person in the neighborhood.

Featured image: CAPTAINQUINN

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