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All I Want For Christmas (Is To Rock)



A few years ago I played a character named Stacee Jaxx in a brand new 80s rock musical called “Rock of Ages,” written by my pal Chris D’Arienzo. It was truly AMAZING for me–like million dollar karaoke. And who wouldn’t want to play a douchebag rock star? We did the show in 2005 and again in 2006 in Los Angeles and then we didn’t anymore. That is, until the show popped up on Broadway this year. The producers were very sweet to offer me the part I originated but literally everything I was working on in LA would have to be dropped to move to NY: no more G4, “Barnyard,” stand-up, so with great difficulty, I had to pass…and the Broadway show schedule is a demanding bitch. I don’t know how those actors do it. Eight shows a week is like a cleat to the vocal chords.

Anyway, within the world of the show I was in a super-famous 80s glam-metal band called “Arsenal,” whose two super-famous hits were “Beaver Hunt” and “I Want Your Cans.” Just for the crap of it, the then musical director Dave Gibbs and I wrote and recorded those songs. I would give them to you, but they have since been licensed by the show so I can’t. A few months ago, they came to us and asked us to submit an idea for a “Rock of Ages”-themed song for a Broadway Christmas compilation album, so we quickly wrote and pitched “All I Want for Xmas (Is To Rock),” which they were worried might be a tad suggestive for a Broadway Christmas compilation album. Fair enough. They weren’t wrong. And I don’t mean that passive-aggressively. I genuinely love all the folks who make ROA happen.

That brings us to now. A few weeks ago I says to Dave Gibbs, I says, “Hey Dave Gibbs, let’s just record the song ANYWAY. We already wrote the flippin’ thing,” to which Dave Gibbs replies, “Perfect! We can name the group after my first band ever: Sniper.” “F**K YES WE CAN.” I quickly retorted.

So, there you have it. I really wanted to pretend this was a lost track from the late 80s whose session tapes had been found buried in the walls of the Rainbow Room, but I suck at pretending. Sniper is mainly two nerdy white guys who recorded and mixed this with two other nerdy white guys.


1) Yes, it’s supposed to be a ridiculous song with dumb-ass lyrics. It’s part of the fun of paying homage to that genre.
2) You may download it for FREE right HERE. If you like it, pass it around a lot.
3) If you are a stripper I DEMAND that you strip to it this holiday season.

Happy holidays and thank you for your time amidst this ocean of self-indulgence.

PS – Play it as loudly as possible. It’s better that way.

PPS – The song is MOSTLY safe for work. Except for the line “Deck the halls with titties.”

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  1. Ray says:

    Holy hell. I just discovered the podcast, listened to this week’s episode with Tenacious D, and… YOU ORIGINATED STACEE JAXX!? Damn. Just when I thought your body of work couldn’t be any more awesome.

  2. burtmakai says:

    Holy Crap!!! I worked on Rock of Ages in New York. When I saw the video last year of “All I Want For Christmas is to Rock” I thought ‘Hardwick would be amazing in RoA’. The Music Supervisor is a good friend of mine. I can’t wait to ask him about you. I bet you ruled!

  3. Abi says:

    Wait… legitimately? Are… you serious!? Oh my god.

    Chris, I… I love you. Sweet Jesus. You were in Rock of Ages?! Dear lord. I’m hyperventilating. You just made my LIFE, sir!


  4. erni says:

    this warms my metal-blackened heart.

  5. Nicofopolous says:

    Sorry Wham, I have a new favorite Christmas song.
    Thank you so much for sharing this, Chris.
    Nice high note, btw. How’d a rock star get to be a comedian?
    Happy Holidays!

  6. Jason says:

    Awesome Song Chris! That’s all I have ever wanted for Christmas. TO ROCK!

  7. Baz says:

    uhh new favorite ringtone, win.

  8. GeneralDibs says:

    Awesome. Just added it to my iTunes. Track name: [same], Artist: Sniper, Album: Deck the Halls…With Titties.

  9. Julia says:

    YES! I am so playing this on Christmas Day!! There needs to be more songs like this for the hollidays 😀

  10. smartbunny says:

    You are the Master of Musical Genres.

  11. kgbeat says:

    Sounds like Pink Steel! Only less gay.

  12. Shiri says:

    you were so good in ROA. was it really that long ago? sheesh.
    anyway yes, please to be doing more things involving spandex, wigs and metal!

  13. ZebraBob says:

    Damn man, Perfect timing! I just had a friend send out a post wanting some new Christmas songs to listen to while she’s working at the bakery and making cupcakes…this’ll get her head bouncing!
    …and I loved your demand to the strippers!

  14. Roger says:

    Doubleshot this with Spinal Tap “Christmas With The Devil” and you’ve got a rockin’ holiday.

  15. PoeNevermore says:

    AWESOME! should make this available on myspace, so I can add it to my playlist lol

  16. Ok_ksenka says:

    Yes,Yes,Yes!I like it__;)

  17. Johnny Oz says:

    That was great, and I love that this is playing in Toronto! I might go see it when it debuts in April.

    Is there any chance you’d come to the Toronto showing, Chris? That would be so great.

  18. Jason says:

    This will definitely be on my list of Christmas songs to play! That is awesome that you were a part of the original. It is launching in Toronto next spring and I will be there to see it in all of its glory.

  19. Patti says:

    haha, this is great!!!! It’s so 80’s, it’s hard to believe this wasn’t recorded back then. Excellent!!!

  20. Mike G says:

    I remember Dave from the early-90s Gigolo Aunts in Boston. That guy can write a pop song.

  21. Deltus says:

    Well, it’s safe for work, given that your bosses are COMPLETELY oblivious to any kind of innuendo.

    Well done, sir!

  22. AMCA says:

    Can’t. Stop. Listening. So good!

    Passing this one on to the family. Going to have to play it Christmas morning, that will get everyone moving.

  23. M_pony says:

    Dude, that sounds like some remarkably authentic 80’s hair rock! You listened to a fuckofalot of Poison and Crue, didn’t you? 😉


  24. Billy Roessler says:

    Damn does that sound like 80’s rock or what…

    Simply badass!