close menu

Your Apoco-Questions Answered!

Last week, I, Dr. Apocalypse, promised to answer your queries eschatologicial, catastrophical, or — God forbid it should come to this – Seussical. Today I begin following through on that promise.

Joanna Nuval asks:

Will the Rapture pick me up, or will I have to meet it half-way?

ANSWER: Stay put. For some reason, the Rapture will only pick up skyborn people if they’ve lofted themselves up via a bunch of party balloons tied to a deckchair.  So, nice try, but burn in Hell, grumpy old man and Boy Scout from “Up!”

Laura Pena asks:

Do you recommend having a plan for a family for when the world falls apart?

ANSWER:  Absolutely. Small children are to be protected from any physical risk – unless their fighting prowess will bring you home the loot from “Toddlerdome.” Parents should band together and subdivide themselves by skill group into “hunter-gatherers,” “problem-solvers,” and “liberal arts majors.” Grandparents are critical, as most of them are used to navigating a technology-free world as it is.

In-laws are appropriate and pleasing sacrificial bait for your local Warlord.

Niko from Finland asks:

What is the etiquette on raiding? How soon is too soon to invade your neighbor’s home or apartment and steal their canned goods?

ANSWER:  It’s definitely not too soon now, because a Scandinavian actually asking about the propriety of raiding and pillaging is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

 

Got a question for Dr. Apocalypse? E-mail [email protected] or post it here.

_______________________________________________________________

Dr. Apocalypse, aka Rob Kutner, is a writer for CONAN and the author of APOCALYPSE HOW: TURN THE END-TIMES INTO THE BEST OF TIMES and the new e-book, THE FUTURE ACCORDING TO ME.

Follow Rob on Twitter: @ApocalypseHow.

Joss Whedon Shares a Hilarious Video about Voting with Every Famous Person Ever

Joss Whedon Shares a Hilarious Video about Voting with Every Famous Person Ever

article
Even CAPTAIN AMERICA Chris Evans Isn't Immune From JIMMY KIMMEL's

Even CAPTAIN AMERICA Chris Evans Isn't Immune From JIMMY KIMMEL's "Mean Tweets"

article
Funko Rolls out a Full Line of THE DARK CRYSTAL Action Figures

Funko Rolls out a Full Line of THE DARK CRYSTAL Action Figures

article