Psst — you did it! The page loaded and your family hasn’t noticed: well done, you Thanksgiving ninja, you! Because we all know why you’re here: you need to figure out something to watch on TV. Or maybe you’re hoping to avoid your family by gluing your eyes to the ol’ boob tube (no, no, no, not that). Or! Perhaps you and the family need something mindless to slip into while the tryptophan wears off. Whatever your reason, have no fear: Nerdist has you covered with what’s watchable on TV today. Because we care about you — ya dig?
First Thing’s First: The Family-Friendly Fare
Because sometimes you have to find something that literally no one will take offense to — which is hard! Here are some solid options.
The 88th Annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade — Starting at 9AM on NBC: A solid no-brainer.
Modern Family Marathon — 10AM (until 12AM), USA: Because your family isn’t the only one that’s lovingly dysfunctional!
The 13th Annual National Dog Show — Starting at 12PM, NBC: DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS! Also it’s on right after the parade so you don’t even have to do anything annoying like “change the channel” or whatever.
For When You and Your Cousins Want to Avoid Going Into the Kitchen and Inevitably Get Asked to Run an Errand or Help Cook
I mean, more likely than not if you’re a “Young Person” you will probably go the Netflix route, but if mom and dad have yet to join the 21st century, there are some other live options out there. Like…
Portlandia Marathon — starting at 9AM (and going til 2:30PM), IFC. Because PUT A BIRD ON IT PUT A BIRD ON IT PUT A BIRD ON IT!
Jurassic Park Movie Marathon — starting at 10AM (and going til 2AM), AMC. They know nostalgia’s the name of the game with you goddamn Millennials. Also dinosaurs > everything.
Something to Keep Aunt Kathy and Uncle Bob from Asking You About Your Relationship Status YET AGAIN
Why can’t they just leave you alone and mind their own business? Don’t they understand how different the wily ways of courtship are in 2014? And that we don’t say things like “courtship” anymore? What, do they want to see your Tinder profile to prove you’re trying (OK, we know that’s a stretch)? These should do the trick.
Thanksgiving With Friends (and Seinfeld!) Marathon — Starting at 10AM on TBS, the network will air all 10 Thanksgiving-themed Friends episodes, plus four other gems. After that? It’s Seinfeld for the Holidays, a three-hour marathon that will culminate with the Festivus episode, “The Strike.”
Best Bars in America Marathon — 8PM (ending at 4AM), Esquire Network. Hey, Uncle Bob loves a good dive.
Total Grandpa Bait
Keep gramps from getting too racist by sitting him in front of the TV. Works every time, right? Sure does when it involves sports.
Football — I mean this is going to be on, like, every single channel? Do we really need to tell you where to find it? Pick a network, any network: there’s probably some dudes throwing a ball around. It’s the American way!
To Save Your Sanity When “The Little Ones” Inevitably Wake Up Way Too Early
Starting at 8am EST, these films should take care of the kids when they wake up way, way too early with way, way too much energy.
The FX Kids’ Movie Marathon — Starting at 8am with Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who and continuing throughout the day with the Madagascar movies and a few others, this marathon has the sort of animated, adorable animal fare that’s sure to get those damn kids to just shut up shut up shut up before you finish your morning’s go-go juice (and by that we mean coffee).
Other movies being shown starting at 8am? Curious George: A Very Monkey Christmas on PBS; Meet the Santas on Hallmark; Jack and the Beanstalk on TCM.