I had never seen an episode of “Dancing With the Stars” before a week ago, mainly because I have a sensitive gag reflex. I ONLY watched because of Steve Wozniak and I was unsarcastically hoping that he would do a Segway grind across the judges table. Instead, he used his feet on the floor. And he friggin’ WENT FOR IT. Was he the greatest dancer? No. But I really enjoyed watching him. He’s just a big bearded pile of hugs. I was happy. That is, until douchey judge Bruno Tonioli, who had apparently taken some kind of mouth-laxative shortly before, opened it to make words.
“It was like watching a Teletubby going mad in a gay pride parade.” Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Tonioli has actually seen that happen, I’ve worked in television long enough to know that this wasn’t improvised. He’d obviously been holding onto that gem and just clenching his fists together the whole show, waiting to blurt it out so that people would say, “Aha! How clever you are, Sir!” But it wasn’t clever. “Clever” would presuppose some kind of creative mechanism at play. What happened was, they had a fat guy on their show and they called him fat. End of story. As challenging as punching a baby. Would it have been acceptable to call Heather Mills a decorative pogo stick?
Image: The Escapist