I’m on a road trip. I’m wearing earplugs. I’m thinking about condoms. Squinting at my screen in the Texan darkness, my little post is turning into an opus. Honestly, I’ve been writing since I cleaned barbecue sauce off my fingers in Memphis.
So this week, let’s just get some basics out of the way.
1st, let’s face it. As much as school health educators have crammed condom use down our throats (if you were lucky enough to get taught the essentials in school) we as a society generally make pouty faces when it comes to condoms.
Rubber rage is a common theme and I get it. “I can’t feel anything!” “They’re too tight!” and “They keep breaking!” are the exasperation I hear most frequently.
2nd, I don’t desire a threesome with a plastic bag as much as the next person. But can we refine the experience a bit? The answer is: Yes! A thousand times YES! The condom of your (or your friend’s) dreams exists! It’s different for each person, but there is hope.
3rd, it’s better to have one than not. The least sexy experience I’ve had with a condom is when my partner didn’t have one. I made him run all the way to 7eleven 3 blocks away. His excuse? You’re the one who’s a sex educator! My excuse? Uh, I had no plans of having sex this evening and you’re the one with the erection.
So until I get back to Cali South, I leave you now in the capable and nerdy hands of Paul Joannides, Psy.D. He’s the author of my favorite sex book OF ALL TIME, “Guide to Getting It On.” It’s the book I spent many a night at Denny’s pouring over in high school. It’s hilarious. It’s reassuring. It’s fact-tastic.
Here’s Paul in his very first instructional YouTube vid nerding-out hardcore on the subject. It’s a little rough around the edges, but it schooled even me. Be my friend, Paul! We can be condom nerds together! We can do condomlabra craft night and have a montage! Paul? Oh well. Here ya go. See ya on the other side of Arizona.