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Suck It, “The Christmas Shoes”

I could go ON AND ON about why “The Christmas Shoes” is the worst song ever written and subsequently recorded but why read words when you can hear a live performance of it by myself and Phirm with Patton Oswalt interjecting wonderful commentary throughout?

Possess it forever here!

Recorded at Comedy Death Ray’s Xmas Show, 2006
Submitted by @GiovanniGiorgio
(thank you! I had completely forgotten we did this)


  1. Bigg3469 says:

    To “Jennifer” I think you should get your Effin head examined! This is one of the worst and most depressing Christmas songs in the history of forever!!! Just STMFHU and go back to those Wackos of your cultish so called church of yours who love depressing garbage like that!

  2. Logan says:

    Hey, could anyone possibly re-post this? I can’t seem to access it and I’d really like to hear it. :-)


  3. Janie says:

    I’m sure Jesus would totally want this kid to spend his last possible minutes with his dying mom away from her just so she can be spared the indignity of spending eternity with her bare feet on coffin lining.

    Retch. Where’s Feliz Navidad when you need it?

  4. Polar33 says:

    Where can I download this again? I heard the song on the radio the other day and now I need to hear this again so I can get it out of my head!

  5. MasterFast says:

    I posted this on the video on YouTube. I wonder what kind of response I’ll get.

    Seriously this song is shit.

  6. PJ says:

    Just found this. While it’s not your performance with him, it’s pretty funny when animated.

  7. Godfrey says:

    I laugh every time. Like to tears. For srs

  8. CarolineEAnd says:

    My mother is one of the many who hates Christmas Shoes. I showed her this song a few days ago and did her wince-laugh she usually does when she knows she should be offended but it’s too funny not to laugh at. Now every time she hears Christmas Shoes she starts singing this song.

    PS: Merry Christmas to you and Janet.

  9. Jennifer says:

    I think you all should go to hell!!! This song is a good song. How dare you say this stuff about this song a little boy is trying to make his mom happy and smile on x-mas eve before she dies. You will all probably go to hell by what you are saying. Maybe you all should go back to church.

  10. Deltus says:

    That was so good, I wanna punch the Baby Jesus in the face!

  11. ryan says:

    this song played when i was at a chinese buffet today at lunch. I cuoldnt stop laughing and thinking about patton’s commentary.

  12. Erin says:

    I work at a Hobby Lobby and currently they have Christams songs on a never ending loop. I always thought it was weird that every once in awhile I would start singing “She Named the Pony Jesus” for no apparent reason. Thank you for giving me the reason.

    This is the best thing I’ve heard in a very long time.

  13. M_pony says:

    Jesus Expletive Christ, this is the FUNNIEST thing I’ve heard ALL EXPLETIVE YEAR.
    Patton Oswalt is a goddamn genius. And you good man can sing like the illegitimate spawn of MeatLoaf.

  14. Stephen says:

    Damn you Hardwick! Now I got that fucking song in my head. On the plus side, at least the “ding fries are done” has moved on.

  15. Dave says:

    This is amazing.

    Patton had his bit animated, too:

    Please to enjoy.

  16. Sarah Clark says:

    Patton Oswalt & Hard ‘N Phirm collaborate?? What god did I please?!?
    Best. present. ever.

  17. smartbunny says:

    Clippity cloppity he’ll never stoppity.

    Is there a name for that kind of singing where you say the… next word before you… do the next line of the song?

  18. Emma says:

    That was absolutely the most hysterical bit i’ve ever heard. That song made me so happy to be jewish lol!

  19. John says:

    This story is among the first forwards I receive as old jug-band fundie high school classmates find my Facebook page. I never dreamed there would be a song!

  20. seamus says:

    I’m so glad God killed that kid’s mom to teach the singer to be happy on Xmas.

  21. BONO says:

    omg christmas shoes is a weirdly depressing song not even porn could get my spirits up

  22. Joe Cuffe says:

    OMFG! I hate that damn song! This is quite possibly the greatest bit I have ever heard!!!

  23. dante says:

    Why would a dying woman need new shoes? is his mom gonna try and suduce jesus with some wal mart high tops