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Stephen Colbert Explains Why Gandalf Wouldn’t Officiate A Wedding

Recently, it was revealed that in 2013, Ian McKellen turned down a $1.5 million offer from Napster founder Sean Parker to officiate his wedding as Gandalf, his iconic character from the Lord of the Rings series. McKellen said he may have done it as himself, but doing it in costume was a no-no: “I don’t go dressing up, except in plays and things, so I said, ‘I am sorry, Gandalf doesn’t do weddings.'”

Now, if you had to guess which late night host has some passionate thoughts on this news, who would you pick? Yes, the obvious choice is known J.R.R. Tolkien fanatic Stephen Colbert, and he devoted some time in a recent monologue to explain that Gandalf is far too important a figure to waste time on a wedding for the founder of an over-the-hill internet entity.

“Gandalf doesn’t have time to marry you, Sean Parker,” Colbert said. “He is a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor, he killed the mothertrucking Balrog after chasing the ancient immortal demon through the tunnels of Khazad-dum, so they climbed the peak of Zirakzigil where he smoked the demon’s rune on the mountainside.” He continued, “And did you know that Gandalf himself died and returned from the dead as Gandalf the White, and why? So he could marry the Napster guy? No! Napster hasn’t been a thing since Earendil flew Vingilot to Valinor.”

In case you’ve forgotten, Colbert has a long history with talking about Tolkien on the air, and the most memorable moment might be both of his Tolkien trivia showdowns with James Franco from The Colbert Report, so let’s revisit those below.

Featured image: New Line Cinema

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