Shia LaBeouf is a mythological internet creature whose existence cannot be measured by space-time. With his unintentional fame as a motivational speaker putting him back on everyone’s radar for however brief a time, he is more of a millennial hero than he has ever been. Now, Shia has proved that not only is he great at public speaking, but he also has the rhymes* to take others down in the rap game.
A two-part video has surfaced online from a guy a named Pedro that shows a shirtless Shia, in the woods, spitting freestyle verses for a group of teens. One can assume they just happened to be in the same place at the same time, but this only supports my fanatical theory that LaBeouf lives in the woods.
Is Shia a good rapper? Not exactly. [Editor’s Note: Better than I thought it would be!] Freestyle is a tricky mistress and Shia, in whatever altered state of mind he is in at this point, seems to rely on repetition and nonsense rhymes. Did you know he is “still breaking down potatoes like he’s f—ing Galileo, and he’s up inside the sky like he’s f—ing mashed potatoes?” Also, I believe “cuzzed out” needs to be brought into every day language.
While pulling together several rhymes in one line like “Rare commodity the quality is what it’s gotta be, and my philosophy is much farther than what your eyes can see” sounds awesome, it is also quite confusing and feels like a line he wrote down at some point just waiting for the chance to use. Especially when other lines only rhyme because he repeats the word “though” at the end of them. I can’t wait to see what people do with this new gift from Shia. Thanks you, Mr. LaBeouf. You only think of us.
Think you could take Shia in a rap battle? Then throw your best line in the comments below.
*So it appears that the rhymes LaBeouf was using were not his own. In the below Instagram post from Pri The Honeydark, a member of the hip-hop group, Anomolies, she points out that many of the bars used were from that group’s song “Perfectionist“. Given his history with plagiarism, this is the least surprising news of all time.