close menu

Sex Nerdist: Role-Play Fail

So I’m at work one day contemplating a future workshop on dirty talk. I flip through a bedroom role-playing deck to get some inspiration. I see familiar classics: The Teacher. Secretary. Nun. Inmate. Fireman. Bag Lady.

Bag Lady?

I whip the card around for suggested fantasy dialogue. My eyes dart around and lock onto this spectacular nugget:

“Mmm baby, slow down! You’re going to knock my sandwich right out of my hand.” Whaaa? I can still hear the tires screeching in my head.

Oh yeah! Nothing says back-alley-boink like a half-eaten sandwich. Smack that trashcan! Do it!

I can’t contain myself. I find my most trusted work spouse and have a golden moment. It’s too bizarre to contemplate alone. Not that playing Bag Lady and Dumpster Dave are bad fantasy roles. I say play how you please.

But this dialogue is just so AWKWARD. With further perusal, my disbelief deepens:

That’s right, friends. Start your night of passion right with a hearty, “Eee! Haar-bla-bar!!” (Can someone please make this into song?)


Good thing BETTER role-playing options exist for you naughty penguins out there. Like the delightful “Let’s Play Doctor!” game from Chronicle Books. They’ve got scenario suggestions! Pre-game Q&A’s! Even prop lists! Or enjoy a plunge into the bedside reader, “The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy” by Violet Blue. Plunge.

And best yet, if you’re a visual learner, check out the NSFW awesomeness that is Megasteakman Productions’ “Nerd Sex Tape.” My giggling was echoing through the courtyard by the end. Talk about a role-playing Win! (unless you’re the Boba Fett guy. In which case, next time, dude.) Again, probably NSFW:

(Via ShogunGamer.)


Visit Sex Nerd Sandra here! and here!


  1. omg this is, perhaps, the most awesome post EVER!


  2. deb says:

    Wow. I am afraid I would NOT be a very “bewitching” “bag lady!”
    But looking forward to seeing our Sex Nerdist at Meltdown in June!

  3. Double R says:

    After reading your article, the phrase ‘fragrant vagrant vagina’ came to mind.

    You can add that phrase to the ‘Awkward’ list.

  4. Thanks Dan. I’m finally all healed up. I have a surgery picture I meant to put up somewhere around here. If I find it, blood and gore for all. Hot.

  5. DefconDan says:

    Ok the video made a sharp right on Fucking Hilarious Street when the dude goes “I’m powered by screams…” and just kept me cracking up until the end.

    And um those cards have dialogue suggestions? Jez they are supposed to encourage arousal not train you in Off Broadway theater (which since they cleaned up 42nd St. is where you find all the strip clubs.. and dirty Muppets)

    And @K I can tell you Sandra’s job: Professional Tease!!! Since her posts are always a hoot to read but she keeps us waiting and wanting more…

    Hope you’re all healed up Sandra

  6. steve says:

    Am I the only person who read “Yaar-bla-blah-bar!!! Eee! Haar-bla-bar!!” like a pirate. I did.

  7. K says:

    That’s AWESOME!

  8. Hey K. For rent money, I teach workshops on sex skills and help people navigate the daunting task of shopping for their sex lives.

    Talking to people openly about sex is my passion. And it’s hilarious most of the time.

  9. K says:

    I’m confused and enthralled — what does Sandra do exactly, for a living?

  10. Oh my stars, Rob Shift, I think you’re right!

  11. Rob Shift says:


    I think that last one is supposed to be the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons.

  12. Isaac says:

    This is… So hilarious…
    I am a fan of this post.

  13. Christian says:

    Yay Sandra’s posting more sex columns!