For a man responsible for creating things so many of us love, first with his books in the series A Song of Ice and Fire, and then with the unbelievably popular HBO adaptation Game of Thrones, George RR Martin sure makes a lot of people upset. Yes, yes, we love the show—heck, we love him! We just really, really wanted the next book, The Winds of Winter, to come out before season six aired. And while we’re at it, does he always have to kill off our favorite characters in the worst ways possible? Couldn’t they live? Or rather, maybe not die in ways that blindside us and leave us as shells of our former selves?
With such mixed emotions constantly surrounding everything the acclaimed author does (or doesn’t do, *cough* write fast enough *cough*), it’s no surprise he agreed to the release of a cuddly, adorable talking plush doll of himself.
I mean, look at it. How can you hate that bearded face? Especially when he brought Hodor, Tyrion, and dragons into your life. And he has a sense of humor about it, too. Press a button and you’ll hear lines like, “It’s a nice day for a Red Wedding,” and, “I’m working on it.”
What a delight.
However, we managed to get our hands on the original list of lines he recorded for the doll, and we can definitely understand why they didn’t make the cut. It seems some of our worst fears are true: he is painfully aware of our admittedly silly complaints, and the story is going to end very poorly for us. So here they are, in all of their troubling glory:
Rejected Lines From the George RR Martin Talking Plush Doll
“I’m never finishing the books. I was never going to finish the books.”
“Want to know when Daenerys will finally leave Slaver’s Bay? She won’t.”
“I don’t give a crap who Jon Snow’s parents are. It’ll probably end up being Steve and Mary.”
“Spoiler alert: everyone will die. Some people will die a couple of times.”
“I’m rooting for the White Walkers.”
“Yeah, I’m super rich and famous now and spend my time hanging out with celebrities, but please, tell me again how I’m not dedicating enough of my life to sitting alone at a computer for your enjoyment. Shut up, I hate you.”
“I love when you naively ask me when Benjen Stark will return. It feeds my soul. And no, he’s not Coldhands. That doesn’t make any sense.”
“I think Walder Frey is the most likable character in all of literature.”
“I’ve never watched the show—is it any good? Did they leave anything out? That would be really frustrating for you.”
“You think my descriptions of eating are weird? That’s how I eat, with all the meat juices running down my beard. It’s gross. I don’t care.”
“I was joking about not finishing the books. I had them all done 10 years ago, but I forgot where I put them.”
“There was an eighth book but I had it burned.”
“It’s nice to know you are all worried that I will die before I finish the series. You monsters.”
“This whole thing ends with Ramsay on the Iron Throne. He’s Azor Ahai.”
“You’re going to hate the way Arya dies.”
“I don’t like The Wire.”
Okay, well, that’s far enough! It’s probably best for all of us if we omit out the five or six lines where he talks about why he enjoyed killing Ned.
What lines would an honest George RR Martin plush doll say? Tell us in the comments below.
Image: Factory Entertainment