One of the year’s most important candy-buying days is here. What? No, not Easter itself. I’m talking about Monday, of course.
Anyone who truly appreciates the greatness that is your basic commercial grocery-store-bought candy understands that the best time to buy is the day after a major candy-related holiday. Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Easter… it’s the day after those holidays that you get the bargains. Stores don’t want to be stuck with cases of M&M Peanuts in festive Easter colors and rabbit-festooned wrappers. Their looming sales disaster is your savings bonanza.
But it’s too easy to be indiscriminate and buy just anything when it’s 40 to 60% off. Herewith, an abbreviated guide to what you’ll find when Monday rolls around:
First, get there early. And if the signs offer 25% or 30% off, walk out. That’s pretty much regular price. If you’re seeing 40% or more, it’s time to shop.
Second, no to the Peeps. Sorry. I know some people swear by them, but that’s just because everyone THINKS they’re supposed to like Peeps. Peeps taste like sponges caked in Drano. Bitter, caustic Drano. They are to play with and pose in little tableaux that you photograph and post on your Facebook page. They are not to eat.
Also, anything with a licensed cartoon character on it is likely to be substandard. You can love Spongebob all you want, but it’s best to assume the worst about Easter-themed Gummy Krabby Patties.
But this is what you want: Your better familiar name brand bars in holiday themed wrappers. What that means is that it’s the same high-quality Snickers or M&Ms or Reese’s, in similar form or quantities, only because they’re labeled “Easter” or “Holiday,” they’re priced to sell. Load up on these. Seriously. They’ll last. And if they have M&Ms cheap, load up, although I won’t be doing that anymore. Seems that they now put the calorie count right on the front of the packages in big numbers, and that’s something I really didn’t want thrown in my face. I always knew that the handful of Peanut M&Ms I was jamming into my face was just pure bad-for-me; I just don’t like to see it right there on the front. I’d rather be blissfully unaware. Now, it’s ruined.
Cadbury Mini-Eggs are my favorites, though, because they’re just good chocolate (and, yes, I know, American Cadbury tastes different from British and Australian and other Cadbury versions, and I’ve had them all and I like them all, so lay off) coated in candy that just provides a satisfying crunch. And you can’t get them outside the Easter season. What? Creme Eggs? No, no, no. My friend Greg, who just happens to be on the bill for next Wednesday’s comedy spectacular at NerdMelt, was a longtime aficionado of the Creme Egg, going so far as to include it in his act. He insisted that it represented the apex of candy and of life itself. But not for me — too sweet, and too gooey. You can’t eat one without wearing it. Go for the Mini-Eggs: Chocolate goodness without the messy residue.
So, get on over to your local grocery or drug store Monday morning bright and early. Bring a wheelbarrow. Remember, this will have to last until the day after Halloween.
But that’s not the only education you’ve gotten here this week. To wit:
1. We saw some amazing time-lapse video from Mount Teide in Spain; it didn’t look real, but it was.
2. We played the World’s Biggest Pac-Man Game. Unless the boss walked by our desks. Then we were working on a spreadsheet.
3. Chris talked to Andy Samberg. They got along jus’ fine.
4. Kumail Nanjiani bought some comics at Meltdown. Asterix, to be precise.
5. Video games aren’t just for playing games or watching Netflix. They’re helping kids to walk.
6. We said farewell to Sarah Jane.
7. Jay saw Scream 4. Or Scre4m. Whatever.
8. It turned out that if you took Barbie’s proportions and made them into a real-sized person, she’d look, um, odd. Or she’d get a job as a weatherperson on local TV news.
9. Weird Al did a song parody of Lady Gaga‘s “Born This Way.” He asked for permission. She said no. And then she didn’t say now. Joy swept across the land.
10. Another X-Men: First Class trailer showed up and received careful scrutiny.
11. A new trailer for Ridley Scott and Kevin Macdonald’s Life In a Day came out and intrigued everyone who recalled when they asked people to send in video of what they were doing last July 24th.
12. Chris sang “Zombie” in a touching tribute to The Cranberries, while Brent Weinbach dropped by to play some 8-bit tunes. Why, yes, it was another Hostful Podcast.
13. What’s coming up at NerdMelt? Music, comedy, and writers. You should be there.
14. Some scientists did horrible things to Cadbury Creme Eggs. It’s science, so it’s allowed.
15. Matthew Bone introduced us to the art of Cory Arcangel, who uses the language of video games and Photoshop to create challenging installations and paintings.
16. If you don’t get excited by the words “Peter Serafinowicz directed this video,” you need to go catch up with not just the video but one of the most inventive comic minds out there. I mean, he was even good in Hardware.
But the most important thing was what came before Monday, Chris’ special message about how he changed his life and how you can too. It was pure motivation, without the preachiness or any connections to any programs. He just gave you the key to making your life go the way you want it to go. If you didn’t get off your ass and get moving when you read it last Sunday, go read it again and get moving right now. Go. Do it. It will make your burrito that much more enjoyable. Have a great weekend, and if there’s, oh, I don’t know, some TV show that you want to discuss, you can do it in the comments below.
Images: Flickr/mike demers, Dimension Films, Namco/Soap Creative