Nerdist Podcast Nerdist Podcast: V Cards Posted by Katie Levine on January 17, 2014 Share: Twitter Facebook Google+ Reddit Email The hostful goodness is continuing! The guys sit down to chat and end up talking about all things love. Their first loves, first heartbreaks and more! 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Emily says: April 4, 2014 at 3:33 am In response to the gay person falling in love with their best friend question you guys posed at the end of this podcast- it does happen. I was 17 and out to all of my friends. I did theatre so it wasn’t a big deal. My best friend at the time was this really beautiful girl that I was practically in love with, but she started dating one of my really close male friends (who is now, oddly enough, one of my best friends). So, for a few months I was there to listen to her relationship problems, I even let her tell her parents she was spending the night with me when really she was with him. I basically loved her secretly throughout their whole relationship, thinking that she was straight and never think of me that way. And I never said anything because I didn’t want to damage the relationship we had (it was rare for straight girls to be such good friends with lesbians). A few months after they broke up she admitted she had feelings for me and was only dating him to avoid coming out. We dated for about a year after that. I guess my gay-far isn’t that great, but it worked out in my favor. Rob says: June 3, 2014 at 9:40 pm Okay, so I’m a little behind on my Nerdist Podcasts. I’ll add to Emily’s comment that the falling in love with your best friend scenario also happens among gay men; with the added complication that you might have sex and THEN get friendzoned. Good times. Ashtan A. says: February 20, 2014 at 8:30 am To answer Matt’s question, my husband and I were best friends for about a year and a half before we started dating. I liked him before he fell for me. We’ve been married for almost 3 years and yesterday was our 8 year anniversary of being together. CC says: February 11, 2014 at 5:48 pm Hey guys – this quemment is a bit late, but hopefully nonetheless relevant. To contribute to Matt’s poll: I am currently in a successful “friendzone to endzone” relationship. I am a chick in her 30s, and had a crush/remained best friends with a guy from high school. We would visit every few years and talk on the phone every few months for the past 14 years or so. About 6 months ago, I convinced him to come visit me, things clicked, and it turned out he just never thought I would be interested in a relationship. Longest run up to first base ever, right? He’s now relocated to the west coast, and we’re both the happiest we have ever been. I have no doubt we will be together for the rest of our lives. *cue sappy music* So yes, dudes, it does happen. I thought I couldn’t have been clearer to him over the years that I was interested, but it wasn’t until I practically hit him in the face with it that he said he felt the same way. The moral is: don’t hide your feelings. If the person is really your friend, and they don’t feel the same way, you can get past it. But if they do, you don’t want to waste any time! Also, just to rub salt in someone’s face: I would have gladly been interested in dating Mr. Mira 7 months ago. I’m the blond that went to all the Star Drek’s, for reference. Good luck, and please bring back the Drek. Patty Marvel says: February 9, 2014 at 8:06 pm I’d trade my v-loss story with anyone on Team Nerdist as theirs sounds like fun or were at least joyful. To be fair, we were both virgins, neither of us knew crap about foreplay and he seemed to think the goal of sex was to see how long he could do his impression of a piston engine. Now the NEXT guy – sweet and sour Cthulhu! – HE knew what he was doing (he was seven years older than me) and introduced me to a few things. Never even HEARD of “shrimping” before that… Garik "Face" Loran says: February 6, 2014 at 1:39 pm @Sarah I know that your hurting pretty bad right now. Getting broken up with, especially when you didn’t see it coming can leave a person devastated. One thing to keep in mind is this: would you have wanted to continue on in a relationship with someone who wanted to end it? Maybe, as the guys said, there’s comfort in the familiar, but the truth is that there is someone out there who will love you and will want to be in a relationship with you, not out of comfort but out of genuine desire. So when your ready, put yourself out there. The fact that you dated someone for 7 years should make it pretty clear to that you are entirely “dateable”. Good luck with your future life. ~ Wraith Leader Anna says: February 6, 2014 at 9:51 am I say teenage girls because you were talking specifically about your teens, but honestly it’s just as often adults too. Anna says: February 6, 2014 at 9:50 am I just want you guys to know that all the boundary issues and hope and all that stuff you say guys go through…plenty of us ladies go through it to. It’s not how guys are wired, it’s just how people are wired. So many teenage girls fall into the same trap of being used for ego boosts by guys that aren’t really interested in them. You just have to realize that heartbreak is a part of human interaction, and no one owes you any level of romantic involvement as a result of your friendship. It’s a hard lesson we ALL have to learn, and all learn at different paces. Love you guys! This was a great podcast. TheTVGod says: January 30, 2014 at 7:51 am Shirley Manson? Shirley Manson!!?? Oh, Jonah, I’m most disappointed in you…I thought you were a music guy! Garbage was nothing more than a cheap, Curve rip-off. (Otherwise it was an incredible listen guys…) inittowinit says: January 29, 2014 at 1:14 am sweet! LinZee says: January 27, 2014 at 8:08 pm Absolutely LOVE this episode. Definitely made me reflect on my past relationships and dealing with those I got stuck in the “friend zone” with. You guys are amazing being able to share personal things like this that people can relate, like myself. Hostfuls are my favorite! Collin says: January 24, 2014 at 6:18 am Thank you guys. This and “Honestly 2013” are the two best episodes of the podcast. Thank you guys for sharing, and as a dude who has been “friend zoned” and pushed away before I knew what was going on etc. You guys are great and I hope Nerdist and Hostfuls go on until you’re like the Rolling Stones and are 70 years old. Teddy says: January 23, 2014 at 11:57 pm Totally needed to hear this tonight. I’m also an artist/comedian trying to stick with my passion, which doesn’t pay well so no money no honey. Your honesty and encouragement here has been helpful so thanks. ceemcee says: January 23, 2014 at 2:23 pm I’m just gonna leave this here (*cough*thefriendzoneisbullshit*cough*)….. https://twitter.com/tkingdoll/status/426392730621972480/photo/1 Josh Mosh says: January 22, 2014 at 9:31 pm Friend Zone Success Story! I was a classic case of a dude being in love with my female best friend for about 2 years. She kinda knew about it, kinda didn’t. But I still did all kinds of strange romantic stuff that weirded her out while I tried to convince her that I was the kind of guy she “deserved” to be with. All things considered, I really did enjoy being her friend so I convinced myself that was enough. Persistence eventually paid off when she told her father about the kinds of things I would do for her and he said she should probably just give me a shot. A month later we were dating, 5 months later we were engaged, and in another 3 months we were married. We’re both 26 years old and we’ve been happily married for almost 2 years. My situation is still definitely the exception, not the rule. To anyone going through a friend-zone situation, I’d say cut your losses and save yourself the likely heartbreak down the line. Or like me you can tough it out and hope for a payoff in the end. Sally Acorn Squash (not my real name) says: January 22, 2014 at 3:07 pm You GUYS! This was amazing. I laughed, my heart swelled, and I felt so much better about the awkward romantic encounters of my teens and twenties. It was like going to therapy. So refreshing, relatable and some seriously great hostful goodness. The Nerdist podcast is like hugs for the soul! (long time listener, first time commenter, yaddy yaddah) Sarah says: January 22, 2014 at 7:23 am The timing on this episode was perfect. My boyfriend of 7 years ended our relationship a week and a half ago. He was my first real boyfriend – we’ve been dating since college, and living together for 4+ years. I didn’t see it coming at all, although the more I reflect on it I probably should have. Hearing Chris talk about the reasons behind his breakup with Janet was a lot like what I imagine my bf has been thinking the past few months, and if I’m honest with myself, he’s probably right. It’s just so hard to see it right now through the heartbreak of it all. Hearing that the two of you manage to be friends now and have found new relationships you’re happy in gives me hope that this will stop hurting so badly eventually and I will come out the other side better than ever. This too shall pass, as Jonah said. Keep up the honesty episodes guys, they’re great. RRR says: January 21, 2014 at 9:16 pm So here’s what I’ll say about this – you’re wrong. But it’s a long long wait to be right. Essentially, in high school and the first part of college, I was a pretty nice guy. And then, later in college, a nice guy who drank a bit and was significantly less worried about social mores. The women in my time? They saw me as non-threatening and, sadly, as a man friend more than a man who could ever become a boyfriend. Which is harsh but true. And really, in their 20s, that’s what women do. They focus on what is perceived as a manly signifier to them at that age. Men who seem like what the cutout of a man is supposed to be at that time. Of which there are plenty of guys who fit the bill. So they date them and not you. For the next 20 years. And they are left mostly disappointed. Me? I went on being who I was. Friendly. Thoughtful. Reasonable. And for the most part I didn’t get cynical about the women who passed me by because I appreciated the women who didn’t. And that number got larger over the years. Especially as the women aged out of that first group. Because as they did, as they realized they couldn’t change a guy, one by one, they came back around. Seriously. For a while I thought it was a fluke. But after the second or third I had to try to make sense of it. First marriages left them unfulfilled and they divorced or just got way distant from who they picked. Or five or ten of these relationships in a row that didn’t get that far really finally got through to them. And at that point they looked up the kinder, funnier guy who didn’t press them at the time and, miracle of miracles, didn’t press them now. Because he’s still the same in that regard. Of course it doesn’t hurt that I do what I like, I let all the little dramas slide and I still have all my hair and most of my boyish figure. That last part I credit to the shaming of many of my gay ex-bosses who never let me take my skin for granted. God bless California. But I digress. The takeaway is that, decades after disappointment, it led to a number of reconnections that were – in many ways – more special than they might have been at the time. Because I was more able to appreciate who they were and what they had to offer. In ways both selfish and sincere. It’s a really long game. But that’s the deal. And in the end it works out – provided you don’t get too cynical to see it when it does. So that’s the moral of the story. Not dissimilar from the other stuff you say in other areas (comedy, work, etc). Just keep doing what you’re doing. Focus on you. In the end, the good stuff will come around at some point and you’ll really enjoy it more when it does. And I do. With really above average skin. Raulie Huesos says: January 21, 2014 at 2:54 pm This episode hit home on so many levels. I recently turned 39 and still healing scars from the types of situations you guys discussed. This for this truly. Davina says: January 21, 2014 at 11:49 am I married a guy who I considered my best friend for a year before we started anything else. We have 2 kids so we are trying to work it out, but I think you guys are right on with your hypothesis. Mikey O says: January 21, 2014 at 9:02 am In regards to the crushing blow of rejection: the first girl I ever kissed, we had been friends for a long time and I had the strongest feelings I’ve ever experience for anyone. WBack in 2001 we had gone to see Weezer/The Get Up Kids/Ozma at the Lowell Memorial Auditorium (Mira knows). We were at the front of the floor, right by the stage when Weezer started playing “Only In Dreams.” She wanted to head to the less crowded area in the back of the venue, so we made our way there. Once we got back to where it was a bit more comfortable, She pulled me in close to dance with her, she looked up at me and I started kissing her. “This is it” was all I could think. With the show lights and the song playing, that moment was it. CUT TO: the next day she called me and said nothing would happen and we probably shouldn’t hang out for a while. Now, as a 29 year old I can look back and appreciate that John Hughes-esque moment as it happened, but 15 year old me was devastated. Let alone was I shut down and rejected, the friendship that I cherished was also put to an end. The worst part was not being able to listen to that song for a while after it all happened, cause come on, The Blue Album. Joe says: January 20, 2014 at 11:57 pm I was once the guy who was pining after the girl. Well, more than once…. But in the particular case I decided to stand up or my feelings, and actually say something. It was the same old thing, we became really good friends, I had to endure her bad man decisions… You know how it is. Then I got sick and tired of it and told her she was stupid for letting guys treat her like that and use her and that she was way more than that. She got pissed and wouldn’t talk to me, so I apologized and told her that I was in love with her. She didn’t react right away, but we went back to hanging out and she kind of acted like nothing happened. She dumped the loser boyfriend though, which I took as a good sign. A week or so went by, and it was a Sunday, as I remember, and we were just hanging out at my apartment and I said to her “this is dumb, we should just get married. You wanna get married?” Well, she got up and left the room. I just sat there frozen, not sure what to think. Little did I know, she went to the computer to see what the laws in Michigan were as far as marriage licenses go. She came back and said “it takes three days and thirty bucks.” I took that as a yes. So I got off my butt and kissed her. That was our first kiss. So, the next day, I applied for the marriage license, and we were married that Thursday. That was over 10 years ago. We are still married. We have 3 gorgeous kids, and we are still best friends. I know how extremely rare and how extremely lucky we are, but I think making romantic choices that have nothing to do with sex and what hormones are telling you to do, will always be good choices. So, I would say it worked out for me. jenni says: January 20, 2014 at 7:49 pm I was often the girl with the boy best friend that I wouldn’t date. I loved those guys. As friends. They were awesome. We had long, soul-bearing talks and lots of laughs. But I was afraid. I knew they were “good” guys, would treat me well and that we clicked. And that scared me. I don’t know why. Maybe I knew it would be too serious. and I wasn’t ready to marry my high school sweet heart or anything like that. Who knows. But at age 26 I realized those were exactly the guys I should choose. Then a few months later I met an awesome guy. We clicked. And that was pretty much it. We’ve been together almost 20 years. Married for 15. and have an amazing 9 year old. So, hang in there guys. some of us eventually come around. keep being awesome. keep being sensitive and soulful. we’ll find you. Three Toes of Fury says: January 20, 2014 at 1:32 pm . @ChrisHardwick: you, somehow, managed to shoehorn in a reference to War Games in a comment entry about we nerds getting into our heads!?? #POINTS! Peace & “..train him for the games..let him think he has a chance…and then BLOW HIM AWAY.” M.C.P. 3ToF…End.of.Line. . Tracey says: January 20, 2014 at 1:05 pm It is so refreshing to hear guys talk about relationships like this. Thank you! I’ve been guilty of friend-zoning some of my guy friends. And, I’ve been friend-zoned by a few that I wish had gone further. Hopefully, if all goes well, you end up with the person you’re supposed to be with. Everything else is just part of the roller-coaster ride of life. And, Matt, I’m sure you’re datable! Next time you’re in MN, look me up and we can talk about disliking most people. Keep up the good work, guys! Erinn says: January 20, 2014 at 12:15 pm Love the podcast and the hostful goodness. I am a female that has been relegated to the Friend Zone more times than I care to count. My friends tell me that I have an uncanny knack for becoming instant best friends with their husbands and boyfriends, which is awesome, but the single gentlemen tend to view me as the little sister or one of the guys (a stereotype I subconsciously perpetuate). I have to be honest, as much as it sucks, hearing the male perspective makes me feel better, but I still have a hard time believing it. As a perpetual single, it always feels like guys have all the power, but it sounds like you guys feel the same way about women. Then again, it wouldn’t be any fun if we could all read each other’s minds and lose all of the mystery, now would it? On a side note, I’m no John Williams, but I’ve listened to enough Nerdist Channel podcasts to know that I would totally date Matt Mira. I live on the East Coast, but Matt, if you ever find yourself in the DC Metro area, I’d love to buy you a beer. GreenSodaCan says: January 20, 2014 at 11:51 am On the “friend zone”: I’ve been on both sides a few times. (I’m male.) What finally got me to break the habit was understanding that “nice guy” and “good guy” are not synonymous. A “nice” guy will stay friends, even though he’s secretly pining for a girl, a “good guy” will confess his feelings and can walk away because “the friend zone” is toxic to him and dishonest to her. You don’t have to hate her, but saying “I’m sorry, I don’t think any less of you, but I’m not looking for friendship, I’ve got friends.” can be a healthy thing. Especially for you. The only relationships I’ve ever seen result from the “friend zone” were incredibly toxic because they’re entirely one sided. People like to say “I married my best friend!” but the reality is they became best friends with their girlfriend, not the other way around. sm says: January 20, 2014 at 11:33 am It is rather refreshing to hear a guy’s perspective on these things. I would totally date Matt if I was not married and on the other side of the country. Peter says: January 20, 2014 at 2:23 am Thank you guys so much for this one. Hearing your own history repeated back at you makes you feel less alone. Kathy D says: January 20, 2014 at 12:29 am Talking about breakups with harsh timing — nineteen years old and living on the West coast while most of my immediate family was back East, it’s Christmas Eve, and this guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months decides that we’re over. Home alone and newly dumped on Christmas day. Even 28 years after the fact, it makes my heart hurt. Yeah, yeah, at my age it could really be a heart attack, well fifty hasn’t quite hit me yet. More brain pain than heart strain, still. *knock on wood* atb says: January 19, 2014 at 11:40 pm I am a survivor of the “friend zone” curse although I cannot take any credit for getting out of the zone. I was the friend in love with a girl who I didn’t think had any interest in me. After a year of friendship and being completely terrified of making any kind if move I was ready to be stuck as friends to avoid rejection. Well through some luck and some maturing she nade the first move on me. I guess she got sick of waiting to see if I had feelings for her. Fast forward 8 years… we are married and just had our first child. Moral of the story? Just because I have a girl who decided to take initiative does not mean they are all like that. Make the move… get crushed or maybe not. Better to find out than always wonder what if. Piero Taico says: January 19, 2014 at 10:43 pm Very long time listener, FIRST time Quemmentor! This podcast hit pretty close to home for me. Super close because I know what you mean by the ‘weird feeling’ before being broken up with. The constant best friend to all the girls that I would fall for throughout most of my adult life. Finally though in college I got some perspective on the whole situation and wrote it down in for form of a creative essay like piece. Not really my forte BUT I have been complimented for this specific piece several times because of how it captures that weird adjustment period when the one you love is beginning to stop loving you. I’ll post the link and would love any feedback! Take care, and congrats on all the success guys. http://pierotaico.tumblr.com/post/32686100540/adjustment John says: January 19, 2014 at 7:31 pm Ha! You call yourselves nerds, I lost my v-card when I was 24. I win! Or that probably means I lost.. Either way, sometimes things take longer than you expect and looking back I’m ok with how it happen (it’s a hell of a story). Spencer says: January 19, 2014 at 7:07 pm I really liked this one it hit hard. I have bad luck with relationships and I don’t try anymore. I’ve only had a horrible one night stand where everything that could have gone wrong did. Three years later I haven’t done anything with anyone and I gave up. I dated a girl in high school and that ended horribly with her fucking a guy that she knew I didn’t like and he didn’t like me and he hung out with the same people I did. I should try but I don’t feel going through another shitstorm. It’s refreshing to hear and read other people that have been through this same thing. Kristoffer says: January 19, 2014 at 4:17 pm The honesty thing is paying off massively! keepcalmsam says: January 19, 2014 at 11:27 am I am absolutely loving these hostfuls. Hearing your occurrences in love add so much more to my listening experience and I find comfort in knowing I’m not the only one that hasn’t had to best time with love and sex. I do have to admit that I friend-zoned my current boyfriend pretty hard, but over time I realized that I had never connected better with anyone in my life and I wasn’t ever going to be truly happy unless I was with him. I wish more girls would see that sometimes the best guys are the ones that have been there the whole time. It was nice to hear the male side of being friend-zoned and I really appreciate you guys opening up like this. Thanks for everything. Keep up the great work! Mewohkie says: January 19, 2014 at 11:09 am My now ex girlfriend told me to listen to this podcast (She has always had a huge lady boner for Chris). She dumped me a little while back. I haven’t seen her since Christmas eve, and I’ve been devastated not being able to be in her life. Now she doesn’t seem to want me as a friend. I’ve been blocked from her entire life. My only correspondence with her has been through one of the emails she didn’t block and we’ve been messaging each other all morning. I can only hope she reads this and knows I care about her more than anything. I’m sorry for ever disrespecting you and I can only tell you I waited 6 years to have you back in my life, I’m sorry things haven’t quite worked out since then, but I don’t want to lose you again. Even if we don’t work out in a relationship, I would rather be doomed to friends then to not have you in my life at all. Noctangelus says: January 19, 2014 at 8:11 am Fantastic episode guys… This seems to be proof that teenage romance in the US is like an 80s movie though… Holy Shit 😀 lady m says: January 18, 2014 at 4:30 pm Been listening for most of the 4 years and these hostfuls lately have been some of my faves. I got married a couple years ago & totally relate to Jonah – married life just gets better and better! Total surprise. Another thing someone me, that I wrote off at the time, is that being married is definitely different from being in a long term, living-together relationship. The exact quote was “I can’t put my finger on it but it’s just… different. And better.” And she was 100% right. I was surprised how different I felt from one day before the wedding to one day after – although pretty much nothing tangible in our lives changed. Nick says: January 18, 2014 at 4:19 pm Related to this episode a lot. It took me years and years to finally realize a lot of the things you pointed out in this episode. The whole “friend with a girl I am secretly in love with” thing…never turns out well. I think pop culture has totally screwed us over giving guys esp. these warped realities that the good friend ends up with the girl, and it’s just not that simple. People AREN’T that simple. If only I had heard this in my teens, woulda made things a LOT easier for me going forward, and I coulda ditched all that TV romance BS early on instead of learning it the hard way over years. Dana G. says: January 18, 2014 at 3:48 pm I LOVED this episode! It’s so nice to hear the male pov when it comes to love…seems like it’s not much different from the female pov (at least, I could relate a lot). I have definitely had times where I’ve thought I was making it clear that someone was friend-zoned, but I may have inadvertently continued leading them on. Now I feel bad about that! Oh well, live and learn. kittnen says: January 18, 2014 at 3:40 pm Long post ahead- sorry. When I was a freshman in high school, I met this dude who was also friends with my brother (who was a senior at the time). We were in the same grade and we hung out together all the time. I totally had feelings for him, and while he was very kind and tried to let me down gently, it never worked. I just kept pursuing. Junior year he was having troubles at home and ended up moving halfway across the country to live with an aunt. I was crushed, but we still kept in contact and I still was trying in desperation. I started working in fast food the summer before my senior year, and that’s when I met another guy. Kind of the same situation as the first guy, we instantly were friends and hanging out all the time. The difference though was that I could really tell he liked me too, but he was trying to hide it. He kind of ended up friend zoning himself because 1) he didn’t think I had any feelings for him, and 2) he had low self confidence and didn’t think dating in high school was really worth it. (Because you know everything when you’re 18. 😛 ) So I was the one to ask him out. First guy ended up moving back, but I knew that my feelings for him were over and we were able to pick back up on a great friendship. Ten years later, he’s still good friends with me and my brother (we refer to him as the middle sibling we never had or wanted. 😉 ) As for the second guy? We call him my husband now. So that wrapped itself up into a loving little package with a nice big bow. chris hardwick says: January 18, 2014 at 1:26 pm @Dave: Excellent point. Denver automatically gets you in both clubs. @kungtotte: I’ll tell you what it is about our kind…we’re too in our own heads over analyzing everything. This is why bros do well at a young age–they don’t think, they just blissfully act upon impulse. As an analogy, when a “bro” is hungry, he eats the closest thing to him. When we are hungry it’s an hour long simulation of the pros and cons of which sandwich, the efficiency of its location, a back up plan in case of failure, an in depth appraisal of all possible future repercussions. It can be so taxing between our ears that by the time we get through all of this we arrive at “the only winning move is not to play” and skip dinner altogether. It’s usually a good thing to think things through but when it backfires–WHOA NELLY. Jen says: January 18, 2014 at 1:18 pm Loved this so much. Also, I am definitely always the girl-version of this conundrum — I always become best friends with guys, develop a huge thing for them, and then I just sit in this soul-crushing-stasis and it’s basically the worst. I’d like to think I’m past this stage? Maybe? Hoping? Certainly a couple of the boy best friend crushes from high school (who I am no longer friends with) have tried to contact me since then. Eh. Meh. Anyways, great episode! So enjoyed!