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Nerd Rage

Fads happen, styles appear, colloquialisms manifest. I’m aware that they’re a cultural and social phenomenon and pissing and moaning about them on my part would be an exercise in uselessness. However, trends also have a tendency to overstay their welcome and I’ve taken it upon myself to address some gems from nerd culture I personally find the most irritating and say “That’s enough.”

That’s enough, “Epic.”
I’m really tired of people using the word “epic” to describe everything even if it doesn’t make fit the situation. Epic literally means: something pertaining to a long poetic composition, something heroic or majestic, or something of unusually great size or extent. Got it, gamers? That’s fucking it. It does not have anything to do with whether something is of high quality nor does it pertain to your opinion of said quality. I asked a friend when “Watchmen” came out what he thought of it and he said “Oh, man, it was epic,” to which I replied, “Oh yeah, did you like it?” and he said “Yeah, man, it was pretty epic.” What does that mean? That you only like long movies? That’s not an acceptable answer. “It was epic” does not mean “Yes, I really enjoyed it.” I don’t care if it’s what people say in gaming circles, it ain’t fucking correct. I’m not saying the word epic doesn’t apply, but for Christ sake get a thesaurus. Not all movies are epic. Not all anything is epic. Unless you’re referring to “The Iliad,” or WWII, let’s just agree to stop using it.

That’s enough, “LOL.”
I could attack text speak in its entirety, like how insipid it is to put numbers in words for abbreviation’s sake (“B4 we go 2 the movie…”), but I will limit my rage to the biggest offender of them all: Laughing out loud. Overused to the point of ridiculousness. No one laughs out loud as much as people claim to via text. In fact, if someone ever actually does laugh out loud, they have to say that explicitly so we know it’s really happening. Just say “haha,” but know they aren’t the same. If something is particularly funny, do not type “lolololololol.” It is not the same as “hahahahaha.” You cannot laugh out loud out loud out loud out loud. There is not an infinite amount of “out-loud” that one can laugh. And for the love of Elrond’s ass, stop using LOL in place of a period. Whether you’re serious or not, if you laugh out loud at the end of your own sentence, you’re a psychopath.

That’s enough, Steve Jobs.
Not everything Apple comes out with warrants a theater full of press and a projection screen the size of Delaware. Stop acting like you’ve cured cancer every few months. You’re making phones. I’m very impressed, it’s a very large interface, now if you could make it so I don’t lose service in a slight breeze I’d start to give a crap. And, by the bye, that smugness app is working like a charm. And turtle necks are lame.

That’s enough, 3D
Not every movie that comes out needs to be in 3D. The last movie I saw in 3D that I actually appreciated for its three-dimensionality was Coraline. Even Avatar, which I will admit had gorgeous 3D effects, grew tiresome halfway through. What’s the draw? Do people really think they’re part of the film and not sitting in a chair with big, uncomfortable, plastic goggles strapped to their mugs? Cuz I’m well aware of it the whole time. Never once have I run screaming from the theater when a giant monster appears, nor do I wonder why giant people are having hair tendril sex in front of me. It’s a Goddamned movie! Even if a shot looks particularly amazing, I still think, “Oh, that’s a nice 3D shot,” thus removing myself from the story. And now it seems every movie that’s coming out is in 3D. Why would you make the last Harry Potter in 3D when none of the previous entries are? Uniformity, please. Don’t they know what happened to Friday the 13th pt 3? Every time a trailer comes out that ends with “in 3D!” it’s like a sign post that says, “Kyle, don’t see this movie!” And what the hell is the deal with those trailers proclaiming, “In 3D, also available in 2D.” Like 2D hasn’t been the standard movie dimension since Melies. I think there are a few to many Ds in Hollywood.

That’s enough, “Save a tree.”
When I’m not Nerdisting, I work in a bookstore and like any store in the world, we offer bags to carry home your shit. Now, I don’t care whether or not you want a bag. I’m perfectly happy to not give you a bag, in fact it’s why I asked. I don’t need to know why you don’t want a bag. Stop telling me you’re saving a tree. Plastic does not come from trees. And stop saying, “Save a plastic tree,” that just means you’re a moron. The only reason to tell someone you’re saving a tree is to make them feel bad about asking you (I don’t give two shits) and to make yourself feel better for pretending to save the environment. Good for you, ma’am, you’ve saved a tree. Now you can hold your head up high as you walk in your cow hide leather shoes to your Cadillac Escalade which gets about 13 feet to the gallon and put on your animal-tested makeup. You’re like a one-woman Green Peace.

That’s enough, vampires
You stop being cool when Buffy went off the air. The word “monster” no longer applies to you. Someone with super-coiffed hair who whines about not being able to love and looks unhappy all the time despite their expensive wardrobe is not a monster as I understand the word. In fact, the word that best describes these attributes is “vagina.” The show should be called “The Vagina Diaries” so at least people know what they’re getting. Plus, vampires don’t keep diaries, they rip out throats. And they don’t fucking sparkle. Or use hair gel. In fact, I don’t even know what they do anymore and it’s all you vaginas’ fault. Just go away.

That’s enough, Kyle Anderson.