A couple of weeks ago, I took it upon myself to answer rhetorical questions posed by pop music. Well, after that, I had an influx of unanswered song questions e-mailing me, calling me at all hours of the night, and knocking on my door, disrupting my beauty sleep. So, to appease these abstract concepts, I’m back to answer some more rhetorical questions from popular music.
Who Wrote the Book of Love? – This is a silly question, Monotones, because you know full well that it was you that wrote the song “Book of Love,” in fact you’re singing it right now. You wrote the song in which you ask who wrote it; how meta can you be?!?!
Have You Seen Her? – Yeah, go ahead, be less specific, please. I don’t know who the hell you’re talking about. Am I supposed to know? I know quite a few women, so maybe, like, initials would help. Do you have a picture or something I can look at?
Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind? – Yes. Well, no. Maybe.
Do You Believe In Magic? – Lots of questions today, eh, Lovin’ Spoonful? Well, that’s a tough question. If we’re talking about the David Copperfield/Criss Angel kind, then absolutely not. If it’s the overall mystery and wonder inherent in the universe, then I suppose I do have a certain inkling toward believing in metaphysical magic. Oh, it was the kind “in a young girl’s heart?” Then, sure.
Do You Love Me? – As a friend, I guess.
Who Do You Love? – Certainly not that guy.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love You? – Alright, seriously, take a hint! NOT INTERESTED!
Do You Ever Feel Like a Plastic Bag? – What? Seriously, Katy Perry – WHAT?!? No! I’ve never felt like a goddamn plastic bag. Ever. Regardless of how much blowing in the wind it does. Really great metaphor, though. You know what else floats aimlessly and ineffectually in the wind? Feathers, leaves, bubbles, and the piece of paper on which you wrote the lyrics to this stupid song.
Hey Joe, Where You Going With That Gun in Your Hand? – Just no urgency at all in that question. I bet Joe’s the kind of guy who walks around with a gun all the time. “Oh, I’m just going to shoot my old lady. You know, I caught her messing around with another man.” This just sounds like a bi-weekly occurrence where these guys live.
Who Can It Be Now? – Instead of just obliquely wondering, how’s about you look through the peephole? That’s why doors have peepholes. Come on, Men At Work, you’ve got to be more proactive here.
Who Are You? – I’ve always liked this one because The Who seem absolutely desperate to find out who this person is. By the end of the song, he’s like, “Look, seriously, I’m done playing around; who the fuck are you?!” The answer they never get, of course, is Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight? – Uhh, probably. I think the more pressing question is, “how much faith do you have in the cleanliness of your bedpost?”
What’s Going On? – Oh, just writing a thing where I pretend questions in songs are posed directly to me. It’s a pretty funny premise, I think.
Life on Mars? – Are you offering? Do you have some on you? Sure, I’ll take a bit of life on Mars, why not? Just a half, though. I’d also like an ounce of Ziggy Stardust and a gram of Jean Genie.
What’s Your Name? – Kyle Anderson, and I’m done with this for now.