His pahms ah sweaty, knees weak, ahms wicked heavy
Theah’s vomit on his Bruins sweatah already, mom’s lobstah ravioli
He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm, dude,
Like it’s the fourth quarter and he’s Tom Brady,
To drop bombs, but he keeps on freakin forgettin’
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
Everybody starts chanting, “You suck!”
Don’t let that happen to you. Always be ready to spit hot fire at a moments notice, especially when there are lunatics on the road challenging strangers to rap battles these days.
No, seriously, that actually happened in a small Massachusetts town recently.
Police in Charlton, Mass. have warned local residents about an incident where two or three men in a black SUV, ranging somewhere between their late teens to early 20s, got out of their vehicle and asked some teenagers if they wanted to fight–rap fight.
One of the men got out of the vehicle and started rapping. The other men then asked the teens if they wanted to ‘spit some bars’ with them. When the boys declined, the men drove off.
Police say it doesn’t appear to be an attempted abduction, but the boys were frightened.
Okay, first off that’s one of the best news stories I’ve ever read in my life. “It doesn’t appear to be an attempted abduction” made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe. Second, I don’t want to dismiss that it actually would be terrifying to have a strange car pull over, followed by the people in it getting out and approaching you, but what exactly were these kids scared of after the fact, enough to go to the police?
My guess is that they can’t “spit some bars” and were worried their street cred would be shot if they had to turn down a challenge again. But guys, don’t worry, I got you. As a proud, lifelong resident of the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I’ve put in plenty of time on the Mass Pike Mile. Plus, I’ve studied the history of some famous street battles involving rappers before.
In the state of Massachusetts, born and raised,
On the sidewalk is where I spent most of my days.
Chilling’ out, walking, relaxing all cool
And not worrying if anyone thought me a fool.
When a couple of guys who were up to no good,
Drove their SUV through my neighborhood.
They challenged me to a rap fight and I got scared
But never again, cause the cops told me to beware.
Now you have nothing to worry about fellas. Besides, if you find yourself struggling to find the right words, you can always fall back on the old standard way we end all verbal disagreements in New England: not by arguing about who sucks more than the other person, but by both agreeing that is it, in fact, the Yankees that suck.
Okay, give it to us. We’re challenging you to a lyrical showdown, right here in our comments section. We want to hear the best lines you have to win a Massachusetts rap battle.
Image: Universal Studios