BREAKING NEWS, EVERYBODY! In an unprecedented, archeologically impossible turn of events, scientists have unearthed a slew of correspondence between Italian assassin Ezio Auditore da Firenze and everyone’s favorite Dark Knight, The Batman.
You have questions! How is this even possible? Was there time time travel (duh)? Did these conversations happen via email or IM or were the letters (gasp!) on dead tree paper scented with vanilla perfume? WAS THERE SEXTING? We don’t know. The Pentagon has most of this information on lockdown, but fortunately for us, some bits and pieces of content were leaked. My pet theory involves Nicholas Cage and a few plucky cohorts deciphering some tricky masonic symbols on an old pigeon coop in Constantinople, but I am no sciencer, so what do I know?
On to the juicy bits!
Things here in Roma have been, how do you say, “shitty” these last few months. Oh, the day to day grind of swinging from one rooftop to another rooftop, missing a ledge and falling on a peasant woman who comments on the tightness of my pants is, eh, amusing I suppose (if tedious), but I mostly speak of the longing in my heart to share with my brother in revenge the exhilaration of targeting an organized crime boss and swooping down on him with deadly force from above. Only you and I understand what this is like, eh brodiccio? And maybe Bella Kittywoman but I don’t think she knows I exist. Has she mentioned me at all? Anysassin, I have been eating molto pizzas and missing you. So hard.
(Rome, Italy c. 1489)
Ciao. I’m Batman. HA! Como estai cugino? Did I say that right? I’ve been taking some Berlitz classes in the small amount of time I have between almost murdering people and squatting on gargoyles. Learning your language makes me feel…closer to you. Oh! I made you a mixtape. I hope you don’t read too much into it (but I also hope you do, if you know what I mean). I just love music and you and… god… I’ve already said too much. What is it about you, Ezio, that makes me bare my soul like this – make a fool of myself even? Being with you is like looking into a mirror. A very handsome, deadly, hooded mirror. Oh! Come to Gotham City, my friend! Let me show you my world. I’d love nothing more than for you to meet Commissioner Gordon and Two Face and oh… all my friends. Except Robin. I’m afraid… well… I’m embarrassed to admit this but I don’t want to share you with him.
Do you like caves? Asking for a friend. Ha!
(Gotham City, Wayne Manor c. 2004)
Your last missive struck my heart like an arrow shot by a rooftop guard wearing a fancy plumed hat. To know that a man I respect and care for seems to feel the same way towards me, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, well… it rocks my world, mi amore. I wish you had been here today. I met a man in Istanbul who taught me how to use a semi-taught line of rope to “zip” from one high place above the city to another. I know you have a similar apparatus (heh) hanging from your belt (HEH) you use to latch onto your tall buildings and pull yourself up high. I thought to myself as I zipped along, “If only the Batman and I could do this together, my life, she would be complete”. Please tell me you feel the same.
I heart you.
(Istanbul, Turkey c. 1501)
I’m no good for you. I destroy everything I touch. Like Mr. Freeze. I froze him inside his suit and then I touched him and he cracked and oh god, it was awful. Stay away from me. Our love, like this correspondence, can not truly exist. Leave me to my caves and gargoyles and the night. Live on in the sun, Ezio. Be my light. Oh! Did you like the mixtape? I threw that one Bon Iver song in there as a joke but I actually think it’s pretty.
(Gargoyle atop the GCPD, 2011)
Oh, no! What happens next? Will we ever know? Is Ezio’s heart just shattered to bits? OH GOD THIS IS THE WORST. I really hope more letters are found soon, don’t you, guys? Do not fail me, science. Just… do not.