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Look! In The Sky! It’s Mars!

We live in an incredibly unique time. According to an email I received, “Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history.” Astronomers did the calculations. This may not happen again for another 60,000 years! On August 27th, Mars will reach its apex in the night sky. You better not miss it. Drink a late night pot of coffee and give the kids some extra sugar, because at thirty minutes after midnight, our lives could change.

Mars will be the brightest thing in the sky except for the Moon.

I’ve done my research and we could be in for a dangerous month. The first threat – fire tides. Like the Moon affects our oceans, Mars affects fire. Californians have been placed under a Level  12 Triple Red Flag Wildfire Warning. Please, all citizens of the world, keep your camping to a minimum and spit or pee on all cigarette butts. Make sure to keep magnifying glasses out of the sun and stay indoors if you have thick glasses. While on the subject of fire, be on the lookout for double fire-rainbows during daylight hours. Scientists have not determined what they mean.

Do not search for the end of these rainbows. There is no gold, only painful death.

Now would be a good time to brush up on your Martian defense skills. I’d suggest racing to your local record and thrift stores to buy up all the Slim Whitman vinyls you can. You see, with Mars so close, now is their chance for invasion and they WILL take advantage of it. Anything to save on gas money. Hopefully they’ll underestimate our gravitational pull, torque-out their digi-framus, and crash to Earth. Perhaps Sarah Clark could cut them open and do science.

He's thinking about ways to kill us. I just know it.

The strangest fact is that we will experience a foul stench created by the Red Planet. It’s not widely known that Mars smells like a gym sock filled with old scrabbled eggs, dipped in spicy mustard, but I have access to highly secure information. Before you go on a rant, I know. Smells can’t travel through space. There’s no air to smell. Well, ya dimwit, Mars will be so close that it will actually share our atmosphere, opening an expressway for stank. It won’t kill you, but mentally prepare by imaging Comic-Con combined with dog and baby farts.

Heed my warning! All this WILL happen. I promise. Except for the fact that none of it will. The email is a fraud. It’s just a pile of lies spread by dads with AOL accounts every year. Mars will continue doing whatever it’s been doing.

.eM teewT


  1. Courtney says:

    I think it’s time you explored sarcasm and the lack of people understanding it, Matthew Burnside. While i have been catching up on all things nerdy, I have come across 2 posts today where people have not been able to grasp sarcasm.

  2. Matthew Burnside says:

    HAHAHA! My father, ladies and gentlemen.

  3. Dad says:

    Well excuse me Matt. I only wanted to save you from terrible martian experiments if they captured you. I thought the emails I got about Mars being “once in a lifetime close” were real. You shouldn’t make fun of us “old folks” who are easily faked out. here’s a link

  4. Matthew Burnside says:

    I did that on purpose. If people don’t want to take the time to read the whole thing, oh well. I’ll let my dad know you liked the joke about him. Without him, none of this would be possible. Thanks for the compliment.

  5. N17pr says:

    Funny article once I read the whole thing. Great ending joke about dads with AOL accounts lol. However I think you need to be a bit more careful with your pre-jump paragraph. It might be just me, but the sarcasm is light enough at the beginning that I thought the news was true. This might also convince the many people who don’t read past the jump. Wouldn’t want to attribute to the fear mongering now would we?
    Just my opinion. Thanks for the article.

  6. melissa says:

    I was about to pencil that in after the Perseids shower.. (sigh)

  7. andoran_g33k says:

    You sod, I actually believed you! 😀

  8. Matthew Burnside says:

    Thanks for the backup, Chris. I got scared and hid behind the sofa.

    For realsies, read EVERY WORD we put on the internet.

  9. Chris Hardwick says:

    Jfoobar: This is why it’s important to read THE WHOLE POST and not just the title while jumping straight to the comments. Matthew points that out at the end…thanks for policing, though (sort of)!

  10. Saturnineage says:

    Neil De Grasse Tyson’s take is pretty funny: