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Look! In The Sky! It’s Mars!

We live in an incredibly unique time. According to an email I received, “Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history.” Astronomers did the calculations. This may not happen again for another 60,000 years! On August 27th, Mars will reach its apex in the night sky. You better not miss it. Drink a late night pot of coffee and give the kids some extra sugar, because at thirty minutes after midnight, our lives could change.

Mars will be the brightest thing in the sky except for the Moon.

I’ve done my research and we could be in for a dangerous month. The first threat – fire tides. Like the Moon affects our oceans, Mars affects fire. Californians have been placed under a Level  12 Triple Red Flag Wildfire Warning. Please, all citizens of the world, keep your camping to a minimum and spit or pee on all cigarette butts. Make sure to keep magnifying glasses out of the sun and stay indoors if you have thick glasses. While on the subject of fire, be on the lookout for double fire-rainbows during daylight hours. Scientists have not determined what they mean.

Do not search for the end of these rainbows. There is no gold, only painful death.

Now would be a good time to brush up on your Martian defense skills. I’d suggest racing to your local record and thrift stores to buy up all the Slim Whitman vinyls you can. You see, with Mars so close, now is their chance for invasion and they WILL take advantage of it. Anything to save on gas money. Hopefully they’ll underestimate our gravitational pull, torque-out their digi-framus, and crash to Earth. Perhaps Sarah Clark could cut them open and do science.

He's thinking about ways to kill us. I just know it.

The strangest fact is that we will experience a foul stench created by the Red Planet. It’s not widely known that Mars smells like a gym sock filled with old scrabbled eggs, dipped in spicy mustard, but I have access to highly secure information. Before you go on a rant, I know. Smells can’t travel through space. There’s no air to smell. Well, ya dimwit, Mars will be so close that it will actually share our atmosphere, opening an expressway for stank. It won’t kill you, but mentally prepare by imaging Comic-Con combined with dog and baby farts.

Heed my warning! All this WILL happen. I promise. Except for the fact that none of it will. The email is a fraud. It’s just a pile of lies spread by dads with AOL accounts every year. Mars will continue doing whatever it’s been doing.

.eM teewT