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Is a SUPER MARIO Speedrunner Faster Than a Hungry Stephen Colbert?

It’s a burning question you probably never thought to ask yourself. Who’s faster: the world record holder for beating Super Mario Bros. 3 in the shortest time, a 4 by 400 relay team running a mile, or a deliberately clumsy talk show host making and eating Jim Gaffigan’s favorite microwaveable snack? As part of a new feature dubbed “3-Legged Race,” Stephen Colbert decided to find the answer. The three-way contest looks to be the first of many such events in which, as the host puts it, “We promise someone will be fastest at something.”

To promote Games Done Quick, an online charity speed-running event benefiting Doctors Without Borders, Mario record holder Mitch “Flower Power” Fowler was pitted against the Columbia University relay team…and Colbert himself, both nuking and having to eat the lava-like contents of a pepperoni pocket. Just to add a level of professionalism to the whole thing, CBS Sports’ Ian Eagle added commentary…but so as not to be too professional, he got drunk first. It doesn’t seem to have hurt his game any.

When you realize just how many shortcuts there are in Super Mario Bros. 3, provided getting to the end is the only goal, this doesn’t really seem like a fair fight…until you realize that Colbert is absolutely helpless before an old-school, non-carousel microwave, and his mouth has no tolerance for Hot Pocket burns. We’re not going to spoil the outcome, but it might just surprise you.

Just remember, kids: don’t try this at home. That filling really is hot.

Were you surprised by the outcome? Let us know in comments.

Featured image: CBS

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