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How Our First Tiki Oasis Turned into a Horrifying, Possessed Nightmare

If you love living the island lifestyle, burlesque shows, unusual gatherings of people that live life to the fullest, and partying for days on end, there’s no event on the calendar that you’d be wiser to check out than Tiki Oasis: a celebration for anyone that lives for piña coladas and all things Polynesian.

And the theme for 2016, “Party on Monster Island,” which combined a day at the beach with creepy Halloween creatures, means this year’s shindig was right in our weirdness-loving wheelhouse. So that’s why we sent our leading expert on all things strange and awesome, our own Andrew Bowser, down to San Diego to check out what was going on in the biggest tropical party in America.

tiki-oasis-bowser

I mean, who could be a better choice to cover such a unique event, one that mixes the macabre and the beautiful, than the co-host of our Bizarre States podcast? A man whose alter ego is the unsettling Onyx the Fortuitous (a.k.a that Weird Satanist Guy)? And the director of our netherworld talk show Twin Terrors?

Or so we thought.

Because apparently Andrew did not know, and failed to understand despite being clearly warned by a tiki idol salesman, that you don’t mess around with one of those things. Ever. Tiki idols are cool to look at, but you don’t put them around your neck.

tiki-idol

Now look, I’m not some sort of expert on Polynesian curses. Everything I know about tiki idols I learned from The Brady Bunch, and that is mainly to avoid them at all costs. You put one of those things around your neck and bad things start to happen, like almost dying in a surfing accident, or getting attacked by a tarantula, and even being lured to a cave by a creepy old man. And truthfully? That was enough knowledge for me to know to stay the heck away from them.

Which seems like a good general rule of thumb, since apparently things can get much, much worse. Like, being possessed by the evil spirit of a trickster demigod.

tiki-oasis-pinup

Obviously it was very nice that Andrew wanted to get his Bizarre States co-host, our very own Jessica Chobot, a “spooky, but tropical” gift to really get into the spirit of this year’s Tiki Oasis theme. But when someone sells you a tiki idol and tells you specifically to not utter a certain string of mysterious words that you don’t understand while wearing it, then… well, don’t say them! That’s how you end up throwing up blood and sprouting the eyes of a possessed demon shark.

But all’s well that ends well… sorta. Because although Andrew made it back to the office (though he does seem… off), the truth is, we haven’t seen Erik the Intern in weeks.

What do you know about Tiki Oasis? What about tiki idols? And does anyone know how to exorcise a Polynesian demigod? We want your help… we mean to hear your thoughts! Leave ’em in the comments below.

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