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Hogwarts SNAPS


Two weeks ago, in the midst of a Harry Potter nerd session I said to a friend of mine, “McGonagall’s p**sy so hairy HAGRID wu’ent gamekeep it” and thus “Hogwart’s SNAPS” was born. Naturally, I slapped it onto Twitter not really thinking it would get much more than a “wah-WAH.” Instead, other H-Snaps began to slowly trickle in, so in a spontaneous moment of excitement and nerdiness I threw down the Hogwarts SNAPS challenge, with first prize being a $50 iTunes gift card.

What I further hadn’t expected was that my Tweet-test would generate nearly 400 entires. Needlesstosay (a fun mega-word), it took me a while to put everything together and for that, I apologize. If you still care, I have finally posted the winner:

Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

Congratulations to R_Silent! It is important to note that there was a lot of cross-over with the entries. There were a couple other food patroni (I took Latin) but this one was the first of its kind I saw. It made me laugh out loud then, and it has been the one that has stayed with me the last couple weeks when I describe the contest to people who don’t know about it. The sheer simplicity of a free-floating, wispy silver piece of cake is fantastic.

Below are some notable Honorable Mentions. They make my brain happy. For those of you with disposable amounts of time, you can see the COMPLETE list of every single entry here. But be WARNED kids! Some of these are filthy!

JanetVarney: Yo momma so fat the Sorting Hat put her in all four houses

chris8675309: Your momma so fat, she looked in the mirror of Erised and saw a ham

PeterVRules: Your momma’s so old she gave Nicholas Flamel his first handjob

chris8675309: Yo mamma so nasty, the order of the phoenix was “stay away from that bitch”

chris8675309: Yo mamma so stupid, she thinks Sirius Black is the soul station on satellite radio

sarazafar: Yo mama so fat she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge

dino_rider: Yo mama’s so ugly the Dementor’s Kiss was swapped out for a hearty handshake and a promise to give her a call sometime.

reppocs: Yo momma so black, she’d probably get sorted in to Ravenclaw and would be a minor character at best

bradheintz: Yo mama so nasty, Dobby wouldn’t take her sock

Burnaway: Yo momma so skanky, even her patronus got knocked up

chompychomp: Yo mama so stupid, she drowned in a pensieve

Dick_M: yo momma so dumb she thought that she could talk to snakes if she put parsley on her tongue

dtejano: Yo mama’s so masculine, she makes Dumbledore go, “DAAAYYYUMM!”

habcous: yo mamma so nasty, every pair of her panties has the Dark Mark

HakSolo: your mom is so fat if she confronted a boggart it would morph into a treadmill

finnigan37: Your mama’s so nasty she got naked and turned @The_Real_Shaq into @The_Shrieking_Shack

dantelfer: Yo mamma so fat, she has to enchant her panties into a portkey to get out of a chair

dantelfer: Yo mamma’s cooch is so nasty it has its own house elf

dirk_funk: Yo mama so fat it takes two boggarts to shape-shift into her

Kingdaddy1773: Your family is so poor you have to bus in from Narnia every morning

MarioEGarcia: yo mama so poor she went to Honeydukes and put a chocolate frog on layaway

melgotserved: Yo momma’s so fat she got stuck in the Floo Network

melgotserved: Yo momma’s so fat her wand is a Slim Jim

MikeDrucker: Yo’ Momma so fat she joined the Death Eaters ’cause she was hungry

MikeDrucker: After she’s done being skanky, yo’ momma hides her tramp stamp by saying “Mischief Managed”

MsJG: Yo Momma’s so fugly that even Voldemort won’t speak her name

nicofopolous: Yo Momma’s so muggles she gave my hog warts

nthornton: Your momma’s ass is so saggy, she’s being sued for copyright infringement by Neville Longbottom

paulscheer: Yo Mamma is so fat that even the Dementors can’t suck out her soul in one sitting

phirm: Mama so nasty, everybody call her “She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Naked”

phirm: Yo mama so fat you couldn’t find her pu**y with the Room of Requirement

PinheadX: Yo mamma coochie so hairy it look like she ridin’ a Nimbus 2000 backwards

TheonetrueCams: your mum’s P#$$y is like the Slytherin common room, it smells foul and its always full of snakes

TheonetrueCams: Yo Mum is just like a Dementor, always looking for some “Serious” Black

Taborifica: Yo momma so fat even her Quidditch robes have stretch marks

randbot: yo mama so fat, when your parents have sex yo daddy gotta cast “accio vagina”

Thanks to everyone who participated! You’re all huge nerds and for that, I love you. Again, for the complete list of submissions you may go here.


  1. The Narnia one was my fave, right after Patronis cake. Explaining half this list to the bf really helped solidify our relationship. Sort of.

  2. Ross says:

    [Chris Matthews voice] HAH! After a wretched week of work, I needed this. I, too, liked Janet’s, but the one that made me spray tea was the Slim Jim line–immediately, the image of low-rent talk show host Wendy Williams doing her Slim Jim+Lighter=Cooking segment sprang to mind.
    “Yo momma so ugly, she went swimmin’ inna Black lake an’ made the Merpeople screech _under_ water, too.”

  3. phantombread says:

    I guess if Janet did win it might not have been seen as entirely fair. Janet Varney, once again cheated by her affection for the mythical and titanic Big Cenis.

    That’s right, nerds. Big Cenis. Use it.

  4. phantombread says:

    Janet should have won. If it was an actual snaps contest, and you said Janet’s first, the cake one would get booed, but if someone said the cake one first, Janet’s would bring the house down.

  5. Patti says:

    Congrats to R_Silent and all those who made honorable mentions! Like Bunbury said, pick-up lines with a Harry Potter theme would be fun, too. One of my friends posted one on fb – “Did you just say ‘Expecto Patronum’? Because there is something white and silvery erupting from my wand”. bahaha!

  6. Dino rider’s hearty handshake is going have laughing for days!

  7. Marvo says:

    I dunno, Bunbury. After that “Chamber of Secretions” line before yours, I could never get through that pickup attempt without laughing.

  8. Bunbury says:

    Might I also suggest using Harry Potter references as pick-up lines, e.g. “Damn, man, you are hot! Why don’t you come back to my place and explore MY chamber of secrets?”

  9. MrSparkle07 says:

    How’s this:

    “Yo mama’s so skanky, she’s got a Chamber of Secretions.”

  10. Metallman says:

    LMAO! Oh man, these are instant classics. I needed a good laugh.

  11. wolfmanjason says:

    You know my friend and I tweeted a bunch of these @nerdist about 5 or 6 months ago and before the movie last night I RT: Your Momma is so fat her patronus is a bucket of fried chicken. Last night before we went to the movie…
    I guess we will chaulk it up to great minds thinking alike…

  12. Megan says:

    Hillarious! I wish I would have known about this to put in my own entry.
    The Panties Dark Mark is going to have me laughing for days.

  13. scowl says:

    Nominating it now for best of 09′

  14. Mobius says:

    Odd how I ended up on this page, but I am SO glad I did.

    Thanks for that, some of these are EPIC!

  15. Sloth says:

    oh man, there were funny as sh*t. I havent laughed so much in ages. habcous’ yo momma so nasty is my fav

  16. Pierre says:

    yo mama so ugleh, we nuke her from orbit; its tha only way to be sure.

  17. Zeke says:

    These were freaking hilarious – nice work all around by everybody. Though I do have to take credit for being the first one to throw out a “patronus” joke:

  18. DAVAD says:

    Hey Chris, this was awesome. Please do more….STAR TREK SNAPS! At least I’d know that one better. That or Do Robots Dream of Electric Sheep…er…Blade Runner.

  19. melgotserved says:

    I’m honored to make the list. Awesome contest! And the one you picked as the winner was the only one I had RT during the contest- hilarious.

  20. The One True Cams says:

    Nice honorable mention. I think I may have rolled out a “her patronus is a cheeseburger” at some point but I’m too lazy to check the full list. Thanks for putting two of mine on. I love all of you Harry Potter nerds. Next up Blade Runner snaps- “Yo Replicant momma is such a ho she dreams of electric sheep…c$%ks” “Yo Replicant momma is such a ho when you slap her ass there’s no blush response” or something to that effect…it takes a bit to get rolling.

  21. hahahaha, wtf’s that!!

  22. Dan Telfer says:

    I like to think mine were the filthiest.

  23. Deltus says:

    I can picture it now: a coupla nerds out on the stoop, passing these back and forth while the crowd of nerds around them be all “Oh no he di’int!”

  24. finnigan37 says:

    These are awesome. Thanks for the props DT. I couldn’t decide which one I was more happy with, the Shaq on or the other one I posted that didn’t make it: Your momma’s so ghetto she shot the golden snitch.

  25. Chase Roper says:

    Experiment idea: Do one of these again in a month or so and have everyone who enters @reply their entries to you via twitter with #hogwartssnaps or something to that effect. Than we can check the Twitter Social Collider.

  26. PinheadX says:

    Cool… I got picked as an Honorable Mention! YAY!

  27. MarioEGarcia says:

    Nice I made the honorable mentions! What’s funny is that the one you picked was probably my least favorite one I posted. Just goes to show, you think you know a guy…

  28. Jaz says:

    Oh fawkin’A that was awesome! Thanks for sharing.

  29. Holli says:

    boo! mine’s not on the complete list.. and i know i wrote some. :(

  30. DT says:

    Woot! Honorable mention! Although I admit it was finnigan37 that really made me rofl — it even works for #punday!

  31. Kingdaddy1773 says:

    I made the top whatever! Yahhhhooooo!!!!

    Or SnizzleFeltch SnoodleTwinks TonyDanzaskus in Wizard speak!!!

    (Follow my DumbleDorky comments on Twitter! Kingdaddy1773)

  32. faeryqueen21 says:

    dino_rider’s is full of mother f’n win

  33. Silent says:

    i want to thank all all the ppl that made this possible, first the one man that made this possible and my muse, i want to thank you Jack Daniels also his BFF Jose Cuervo their some more but i can’t remember right now..ohh right, my parents..yeah them too…thats thanks

  34. jeremy brown says:

    if i had a broomstick for every spell

  35. JesusThDvl says:

    B’out time, awesomeness!