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Here’s What Happens When You Play Skyrim, AC:Revelations, and Modern Warfare 3 Simultaneously, Kids

Look. I’ll admit I might be a little confused. When that dragon came swooping down right before Ezio Auditore da Firenze was about to be executed and the Russian President was nearly assassinated, I thought to myself, “Hey, this is quite a game! Golly!” Except I didn’t say golly, I said “shit” like that guy does in The Wire: “Sheeeetttttttt”. That was all I had time to think, though, because out of nowhere, my Zodiac went careening directly into a cave full of vampires and I only had enough ammo to set one on fire with my hand, so I leaped and climbed my way up to the top of the cave and found a Templar bolthole where no Templar bolthole should be and found myself standing smack dab in the middle of a tiny wattle and daub village called “Windhelm” (an admittedly strange name for an African settlement, but, I guess… the Dutch or whatever?)

So, THEN, some dude offered me the use of his forge, which was nice, I guess, although a little too neighborly, if you know what I mean. I really didn’t want to use his stupid forge, because the next thing you know, the guy is borrowing my beer and wi-fi and having an affair with my spouse and I have to move into a shitty studio apartment in the suburbs because I never thought I’d have to get a real job this late in life.

So, anyway, I used his forge, because, seriously, fuck that guy. I tried to make a new Barret 50cal sniper rifle, but all I had was a strip of leather and some barrel carrots, so it was a no go and, anyway, I was a wee bit concerned about all the dry african grasses and you know, forging shit around them. Then again, I think maybe I was supposed to set fire to that village? I think that’s what Price and Soap said? So I did. I mean when in Rome — except I wasn’t in Rome, I was in Constantinople. Or Istanbul. Whatever. I am not going to reference that stupid song now.

Anyway, I was in Constantinople trying to put the pieces of my mind back together within the animus thingajob and all of a fucking sudden MURDER BEARS EVERYWHERE. Well, you can guess how I reacted to that situation. I totally hit one with a grenade, but the murder bear threw the grenade back at me and I ran kind of awkwardly away from it and fell down in the snow and got my new fur armor boots all snowy and Price yelled at me and I cried.

I give this game a 4 out of 5 stars, is what I’m saying. I think I’ll lie down now for a bit.