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Here’s What Happens When You Play Skyrim, AC:Revelations, and Modern Warfare 3 Simultaneously, Kids

Look. I’ll admit I might be a little confused. When that dragon came swooping down right before Ezio Auditore da Firenze was about to be executed and the Russian President was nearly assassinated, I thought to myself, “Hey, this is quite a game! Golly!” Except I didn’t say golly, I said “shit” like that guy does in The Wire: “Sheeeetttttttt”. That was all I had time to think, though, because out of nowhere, my Zodiac went careening directly into a cave full of vampires and I only had enough ammo to set one on fire with my hand, so I leaped and climbed my way up to the top of the cave and found a Templar bolthole where no Templar bolthole should be and found myself standing smack dab in the middle of a tiny wattle and daub village called “Windhelm” (an admittedly strange name for an African settlement, but, I guess… the Dutch or whatever?)

So, THEN, some dude offered me the use of his forge, which was nice, I guess, although a little too neighborly, if you know what I mean. I really didn’t want to use his stupid forge, because the next thing you know, the guy is borrowing my beer and wi-fi and having an affair with my spouse and I have to move into a shitty studio apartment in the suburbs because I never thought I’d have to get a real job this late in life.

So, anyway, I used his forge, because, seriously, fuck that guy. I tried to make a new Barret 50cal sniper rifle, but all I had was a strip of leather and some barrel carrots, so it was a no go and, anyway, I was a wee bit concerned about all the dry african grasses and you know, forging shit around them. Then again, I think maybe I was supposed to set fire to that village? I think that’s what Price and Soap said? So I did. I mean when in Rome — except I wasn’t in Rome, I was in Constantinople. Or Istanbul. Whatever. I am not going to reference that stupid song now.

Anyway, I was in Constantinople trying to put the pieces of my mind back together within the animus thingajob and all of a fucking sudden MURDER BEARS EVERYWHERE. Well, you can guess how I reacted to that situation. I totally hit one with a grenade, but the murder bear threw the grenade back at me and I ran kind of awkwardly away from it and fell down in the snow and got my new fur armor boots all snowy and Price yelled at me and I cried.

I give this game a 4 out of 5 stars, is what I’m saying. I think I’ll lie down now for a bit.

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Comments

  1. Aero says:

    Yeah I know I’m a bit late to the party, but damn…
    BEST. CONFUSED. GAME. REVIEW. EVER!
    Now if only someone would make that game……..

  2. Adoring fan says:

    You, madam, are an attractive lady that is all.

  3. Julo(YOO-low)Torres says:

    I’ve yet to get Skyrim, though, IM SURE i’ll feel the same way.

    Although, Thnxgiving weekend could prove worthy of spilling Dragonblood. . .

    fuckIT. IM BUYING TODAY. I was sold at “werewolf that WIELDS MAGIC.”

  4. Julo(YOO-low)Torres says:

    Jed wins my heart.

    #KindredSPEARitz

  5. Jed Scked says:

    When I tire of slaying dragons and combing the post apocolyptic wastelands, I play in the NBA. (Which, this year is also a fantasy game)

  6. Zenjack says:

    Skyrim, where else can you be a Thief, assassin, anti-imperialist, werewolf that wields magic and slays dragons.

  7. Graham says:

    I think Bethesda seriously hates me. I’ve got real world shit to get done; simple things like sleep and washing the dishes. But none of it gets done. Lydia wants me to go see what’s in this cave.

  8. Robin Burks says:

    I really wanted to hate Skyrim. I hated Oblivion after all. But after 30 or so hours of losing track of the real world and only thinking like a high elf, I think I might be hooked. Life, as I know it, is over.

  9. Livius says:

    No Skyrim so far
    Treasure hunting in desert
    Fighting world war three

  10. I think Livius just wrote a haiku. Hooray!

  11. Livius says:

    I have yet to purchase Skyrim.
    I have been busy treasure hunting in the desert while fighting in world war 3 when I have the time.

  12. mike says:

    Who’s running the country while everyone is playing this game?

  13. Abbey says:

    I don’t even know what’s reality anymore.

  14. Adamad says:

    i know exactly how you fell sir, pretty soon here im gonna have to bust out my 9 and pop a firebolt in someones buttocks while i visit saints row