Hello! And welcome to our season five premiere recap of HBO’s Game of Thrones. If you don’t know what a recap is and/or have no idea how you ended up in this post, allow us to let you in on a little secret: this thing is FULL of spoilers. Like, all of the spoilers in the world. So don’t read on (and/or complain to us later in the comments) if you don’t want to find out everything that went down in the premiere. Kapeesh?
Now that we got that out of the way.
♫♬ Reunited and it feels so good! ♫♬ Sure, the night is dark and full of major character deaths, but it just feels right to be back in Westeros, doesn’t it? And the season five premiere did not dally when it came to flipping the script, starting us out with a flashback to a wee (but still very angry and demanding) baby Cersei. Turns out some things never change and life may be inevitable, if that prophetic witch’s tale is to be believed. Which — of course it is, she was spot on in her summation of what Cersei’s life would become.
And in her moments of reflection prior to witnessing her father’s dead body (R.I.P. Tywin) at its funerary resting place, we finally see a bit of worry and fear in Cersei’s face — so hard-headed and stubborn and self-assured as she’s been this whole time. Without her father’s insistent guiding hand, Cersei’s free to manipulate the throne to her will as much as she wants — dream amongst dreams for the power-hungry woman, yes? WELL! Not really. Turns out she’s a bit out of her depth, and resorted to lashing out at her brotherlover Jaime. Trouble in paradise is real, folks!
Add Queen Margaery to the mix — the seemingly prophesied young beauty set to overthrow her — which certainly isn’t helping matters, either, and we can all see why and how things are not exactly coming up Lannister these days. In fact, everyone seems ready to pounce on the wounded lions (and if we’re being honest, it’s aboutdamntime! JEEZ).
Over in Pentos — a/k/a the Tyrion and Varys Comedy Hour — (shoutout to Illyrio Mopatis’ sweet, sweet manse), the only good Lannister to ever have lived (sorry not sorry, Tommen/Myrcella), Tyrion was shown to have made it out of Westeros alive thanks to Varys. The Spider is on a mission, and not just of the “save my little brother” variety that was Jaime’s bidding. No, see, Varys is motivated by the greater good, and that involves getting a new leader on the Iron Throne that might actually be able to save the place before winter comes and ruins everything. And guess what? He’s on Team Daenerys Targaryen.
To steal a line from Broad City: YAAAASSSSSSSS QUEEN!
Getting Tyrion on Team Dany is perhaps the one thing this particular recapper is most excited about. When Varys said “Who said anything about him?” we got CHILLS, YOU GUYS. ACTUAL REAL CHILLS. It’s about damn TIME! Damn! Besides, CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? Dany + Tyrion = POLITICAL POWER COUPLE EXTRAORDINAIRE. All we need is for Jon Snow to show up (preferably shirtless and/or full frontal because WHY NOT) and magically be some sort of dragon whisperer and literally all of my dreams will come true.
Tyrion’s not too keen on the whole set-up, though, preferring to drink himself to death and wallow in self-pity rather than focus on what’s really important. Of course he DID just spend an inordinate amount of time shoving his shit out of air holes in a wooden box he traveled across the Narrow Sea and all the way to Pentos in. So, y’know, I think we’d all be a little squirrelly and reticent to do anything that didn’t immediately involve intoxication and/or sleeping in a real bed, too. So we’ll cut him some slack. For now!
Because let’s be real, we’re fairly certain that Tyrion is the type that pukes and rallies on a metaphorical level in addition to a literal one, as evidenced about 10 seconds after he got out of that damn box anyway.
Over in Meereen, however, things aren’t going as ***FLAWLESS as myself, Beyoncé, or Daenerys might have hoped. Turns out there are some ~tensions~ that need alleviating and we don’t just mean that Unsullied’s deadly trip to the brothel (hey, even eunuchs need to feel SOMETIMES, you know?). Over in Yunkai, an agreement for a more just governing body has been reached, but they have a stipulation Dany’s none too keen on: reopening the fighting pits. Dany’s basically all, “Nah, that sounds like indentured servitude dressed up as human cockfighting,” but even Daario NaHOTis (woops, sorry, Naharis) thinks the move would be a good idea. He learned a lot in his own time fighting in the pits and thinks there’s a bit of good to be had from it.
Still, Dany’s not so jazzed on the idea — particularly with all these Sons of the Harpy running around killing Unsullied and toppling down the tenets Dany has tried so hard to resurrect in order to create a new, unslave-y existence for the Free Cities. But, as we’ve learned, perception is everything and it’s something Dany, clearly, is struggling with — but do you blame her? She has no idea who to trust anymore, and is so hellbent on being the most just and moral Queen the known Realm has ever seen that it may just be causing her more harm than good.
Not even her dragons really care for her rule anymore; though, do you blame them, either? Poor Viseron and Rhaegal have been relegated to the dungeons and Drogon’s out Born Free-ing it up who-knows-where. It’s hard enough to raise teen dragons as it is (their angst is just so explosive), but without Dany’s presence in their daily lives, are they beyond saving? HMM THIS SMELLS LIKE A METAPHOR OR SOMETHING!
Up at The Wall, Jon Snow has proven his mettle as both a steady, compassionate mind and a moral sorta fella — two very much needed things considering winter and all that, but also when put in the middle of a no-win situation.
You see, Stannis wants Mance Raydar to bend the knee and have his Wildlings join his fold. But Mance is all, “Oh hell to the no I’d rather die in a fire,” and so he does just that. Well sorta! Unable to bear watching the miserable, awful, horrific, and undignified death-by-fire to which Mance was sentenced, Jon Snow shot him with an arrow to put him out of his misery. OH THAT JON SNOW! Don’t let anyone tell you you don’t know nothin’, OK? You at least know a thing or two about empathy, which is in super short supply ’round these parts.
And that speech to Mance about bending the knee was also indicative of that spirit. It was tough to watch fear take root in Mance, his reasoning being so stringent but understandable. But there’s probably going to be a bit of hell to pay for making that choice and overriding the Lord of Light or whatever. Which, by the way, Melissandre’s whole “We all must choose. Our choices are the same: we choose light or we choose darkness. We choose good or we choose evil” speech was so good, but she lost me with the true and false god stuff because WHAT IS A REAL GOD ANYWAY? You know? It’s all so indicative of how misguided and misplaced her seemingly good intentions are.
Over in The Eyrie, Sansa’s transition to Sansafinger is coming along nicely — she’ll be a master manipulator and strategic sport liar in no time! Oh and Brienne and Pod are still Brienne and Pod-ing it up. MORE BRIENNE AND POD, PLEASE.
Stuff and Things and Other Loose Ends:
– So many naked dudes AND STILL THERE IS NO FULL-FRONTAL DONG. I’ve seen so many bushes why can’t I see a few twigs and berries C’MON HBO, enough is enough! I only want what’s fair and rightly ours.
– Speaking of sexparts, I love how casual everyone is in Westeros when they walk in on people doin’ it like it’s NBD.
– I feel so sad for Missandei. Her whole “Hey Grey Worm what’s up with the Unsullied and their non-dicks going to brothels why is that a thing if you don’t have anything there? Does this mean you still feel things do you want to feel things can we feel things maybe?” moment was heartbreaking.
– Yo, doesn’t Jon Snow realize that, by burying Ygritte north of The Wall, he’s all but guaranteeing she’s going to come back as a White Walker and have a SERIOUS VENDETTA against him? DAMN IT JON SNOW YOU REALLY DO KNOW NOTHING HUH?
– Oh and speaking of Jon Snow, Melissandre was looking straight-up thirsty for our favorite brother in black. Does this also point to [BEGIN HYPOTHETICAL SPOILER] his possibly/maybe royal lineage? [/END HYPOTHETICAL SPOILER]
– To say nothing of the creepy relief that overtook her when she learned he’s not a virgin who can’t drive (I mean as if, Mel).
– Fun fact: Lancel Lannister is now a member of the Sparrows, a fanatical religious group run by a fella known as the High Sparrow. Surely nothing terrible will come from any of that! (har har har)
The Night’s Best Quotes:
– “What’s the point trying to keep a secret in a place like this?” (Loras)
– “There are faster ways to kill oneself.” “Not for a coward.” (Varys & Tyrion)
– “I murdered my lover with my bare hands and killed my father with a crossbow.” “I never said you were perfect.” (Varys & Tyrion)
– “The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted.” (Mance Raydar, R.I.P.)
What’d you think of the premiere? Let us hear it in the comments!