We’re celebrating this week’s release of the Harry Potter prequel Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by ranking every magical animal listed in the Hogwarts textbook that gives the movie its name. Make sure to check out Part 1, where we talked about Newt Scamander‘s famous work, and also why we decided it was best not to keep fully conscious beings in a zoo.
Now that we’ve avoided insulting centaurs and merpeople, and also elected not to gawk at the pain of werewolves, we are ready to journey through our magical zoo. Before we enter the gates though, just a note that while some of these magical beasts have been seen in the Harry Potter movies, or are set to appear in Fantastic Beasts, many have never been formally shown. So in many cases we have to rely only on Newt’s often brief descriptions and our imaginations, to picture what they might really look like.
We’ve included all types of fun art that guesses what these animals might look like, but Newt’s own words matter the most. Beyond that our only guideline is this question: “If we could only see one of these creatures in person, which one would we pick?”
We meant “animal” creature, but this was a good answer.
We’ve also included every creature’s Ministry of Magic (M.O.M.) Classification danger ranking. From Newt’s book:
xx: Harmless/may be domesticated
xxx: Competent wizard should cope
xxxx: Dangerous/requires specialist knowledge/skilled wizard may handle
xxxxx: Known wizard killer/impossible to train or domesticate
Now either grab your broom, throw some Floo powder into the fireplace, steal a flying car, or locate a Port Key, and come with us as we rank the magical animals from 72-51.
#72: RAMORA (xx)
A silver fish, but one that can anchor entire ships. But what are we going to do with that? Ultimately this is just a normal looking fish. Would you be excited to go see a trout at a real zoo? The ramora is probably responsible for the legend behind the non-magical remora (with an “e”) fish which was believed to stop ships from sailing.
We wouldn’t be excited about seeing either.
#71: KNARL (xxx)
It’s just a magical hedgehog with some strange eating habits. We couldn’t even be certain they didn’t place a real hedgehog in there because we wouldn’t know better as Muggles.
Is this creature magical? Or was it purchased at Uncle Lou’s Pet Shoppe?
#70: GLUMBUMBLE (xxx)
A furry little flying grey insect that secretes a melancholy inducing molasses-like substance. You know what else produces melancholy? Spending too much time at the glumbumble exhibit.
#69: CRUP (xxx)
It looks just like a Jack Russell terrier with a forked tail, but even that is often removed (painlessly) by wizards to help conceal them. So this is basically a normal dog that hates Muggles and sometimes has a weird tail.
A crup, or a totally normal dog? Impossible to know. (Credit: thedogworldtv)
If we weren’t giving bonus points for loving dogs we’d probably put this guy below the totally normal looking fish.
#68: JOBBERKNOLL (xx)
Our first “This animal is being ranked here, but…” creature, because a jobberknoll is really boring for its whole life, but then becomes totally fascinating when it dies. This very small, speckled blue bird is just a normal bird it’s entire silent life, but then its final moment is unlike anything else.
I’ll let Newt explain:
“It makes no sound until the moment of its death, at which point it lets out a long scream made up of every sound it has ever heard, regurgitated backwards.”
So, if you could somehow be guaranteed to visit the zoo on the day a jobberknoll died you’d move this little guy waaaaay up the list, but for 99.9999% of visitors to the zoo, it would just be a boring blue bird. It goes above the other magical beasts so far though because at least if you were looking at one you’d have a sliver of hope at seeing something remarkable.
#67: TEBO (xxxx)
A tebo* is an ashen warthog, but one that can make itself invisible. It would be cool to see a warthog running around in its pen, only for it to instantly disappear right in front of our eyes. However, when the best thing about looking at you is the part where we can’t see you, you don’t rank high on a zoo must-see list.
*No relation to a “Tebow,” a non-magical creature falsely thought to have special powers because it has a long noodle where its throwing arm should be.
A Tebow is not magical, no matter what anyone tells you. (Credit: NFL Films)
#66: SHRAKE (xxx)
Another fish, but at least this one is completely covered in spikes, and considering they torture Muggle fishermen by destroying their nets, we bet it’s completely covered in spikes, and that’s the type of fish we can get excited about.
IMPORTANT: This is NOT a shrake, but it should definitely be locked in a cage.
— BABE Apparel Co. (@babe_apparel_co) August 25, 2014
#65: HORKLUMP (x)
Basically it’s just a living, pink, “fleshy” mushroom with some coarse black bristles, but it does use tentacles to grab its food. An entire field of horklumps would be a pretty interesting exhibit to spend a few minutes with.
#64: MACKLED MALACLAW (xxx)
Kind of like a fancy foot-long lobster that lives on land, with grey skin and green spots. They say not to eat them, but we’d still like to look at them. Heck, we’d be excited if we went to a non-magical zoo and they had a “fancy lobster” exhibit.
#63: MOKE (xxx)
This is just a silver-green lizard, which only grows up to 10 inches long, but it can shrink. If the warthog-like tebo is interesting because it can disappear, this little creature is the better specimen because we’d get to see the full transformation. Watching magic take place in front of us would not get old.
#62: CHIZPURFLE (xx)
A diminutive parasite (only 20th of an inch) that resembles a crab with large fangs. This insect would rank higher, but we’d all need a microscope to see it, and you just know the line for that would be infuriating as tourists unfamiliar with using a microscope would hold it up, all while screaming, “I can’t see it!”
#61: BUNDIMUN (xxx)
Walking green fungus with eyes might not sound all that exciting, but this creature also has tall, thin legs and carries a “foul stench of decay.” There’s nothing like it in our non-magical world, and even though “it smells bad” seems like a weird selling point, it would make the bundimun exhibit feel interactive.
#60: DUGBOG (xxx)
What’s cooler than living fungus? A living piece of wood, with finned paws and sharp teeth. Picture yourself looking at a dugbog, bored, wondering why you are wasting time staring at some wood in a zoo that has dragons, when all of a sudden the wood opened its eyes and bared its teeth at you.
#59: AUGUREY, also known as an Irish Phoenix (xx)
A sort of thin, “underfed vulture” that looks sad–literally depressed sad, not weak sad. We make no apologies for being into these sorts of death birds, they are fascinating to see in person.
It was often thought that an augurey’s cry portended death, but it just means rain, which is why many magical houses use them as weather forecasters.
#58: LOBALUG (xxx)
A sea creature, about ten inches in length, with a long rubbery spout and a venom sac. Only weirdos–like us–would want one as a pet, but they are creepy enough that you’d definitely take the time to see one in person.
#57: FLOBBERWORM (x)
A thick, brown, worm-like blob that grows up to 10 inches and whose head and bottom look identical. We know this creature well thanks to Hagrid’s teachings, and while it is boring to care for (and messy since it produces a mucus), it’s weird enough in its appearance that we’d spend more time looking at it do nothing than anyone should.
#56: SNIDGET (xxxx–but not really dangerous, just highly protected)
An extremely fast, round gold bird with a long, thin beak and red jeweled-eyes, whose wings can fully rotate, allowing it to change directions quickly. The snidget was the original snitch in Quidditch, before using them was outlawed. We don’t know how much we would be able to see a snidget in its aviary, since it moves so fast, but how could a Quidditch fan not at least try?
#55: FWOOPER (xxx)
A puffy bird whose feathers are very bright, ranging from orange, pink, lime, green, or yellow. Seeing exotic birds in person is always kind of stunning (birds are weird in the best way), so to see this guy would be one of the most aesthetically pleasing animals.
Also, is this blurry but awesome looking guy from a Fantastic Beasts trailer a fwooper? If so, we feel good about this ranking. If not….we’re still okay with it.
Image: Warner Bros. Studios
#54: KNEAZLE (xxx)
Can we interest you in a cat-like beast, one with over-sized ears and a tail like a lion? We thought so. This adorable looking creature has a spotted fur coat and is very smart. You need a license to own a pure bred (they breed with normal cats, Crookshanks was half-kneazle), and we’d like to know how we go about getting one.
#53: STREELER (xxx)
A giant snail with spikes on its shell that changes color every hour. Put a bunch in a pen and you’d have an amazing moving light show. They also burn any vegetation they crawl across. We never thought we’d be so excited to stare at snails, but here we are.
#52: MURTLAP (xxx)
A biege giant rat with a sea anemone-looking thingy on its back. You’d definitely want to see it, and then it would haunt your dreams forever.
You can see one in this clip from Fantastic Beasts, which is a great reminder that Newt’s descriptions in his book are constantly underwhelming compared to how they apparently look (before seeing one we had this all the way down at #66.)
#51: BILLYWIG (xxx)
Now here’s an insect worth your time. This half-inch fast bug with wings on its head is a bright sapphire blue that spins when it flies. It has a long stinger that makes anyone stung by it very giddy (side-effects include floating).
This guy from a Fantastic Beasts trailer sure looks like a billywig, and (as usual) it’s even cooler than its description.
You just know there have been some young wizards and witches that have spent Saturday night in the woods, getting stung by billywigs, only to go looking for a glumbumble when they started freaking out.
So 22 magical animals down, 50 more to go. Next we’ll rank #s 50-31, a diverse group that includes adorable little animals, horrible deadly beasts, a bird we Muggles believed to be extinct, and something called a “unicorn.”
Yeah, these magical creatures are about to get real fantastic.
What did we get right here? What did we get wrong? Cast your thoughts in the comments below.
Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts Images: Warner Bros. Studios