It’s that time of year again. Everyone is going back to school, and it’s an important time in people’s lives as they embark on a new chapter. Going off to college allows many people a new lease on life, the chance to have a fresh start while giving themselves an education that will last a lifetime. But with so many different things to worry about — proper time management, finding the right look, wooing the opposite sex, staying on top of one’s studies — it helps to have some advice from older, wiser people who have been there and done that. Well, the best I could do on such short notice were Ricky, Bubbles, and Julian, better known as the Trailer Park Boys. In honor of the eighth season of their long-running cult comedy series now available on Netflix, I sat down with Ricky (Robb Wells), Bubbles (Mike Smith), and Julian (John Paul Tremblay) to pick their brains for the best advice in order to give yourself a leg up this school year. You’re welcome in advance, freshmen.
Nerdist: What sort of fashion tips would you give people in order to look fresh on the first day of school?
Ricky: I would say that I don’t really like college people – I think they’re a bunch of showoffs – but definitely good hair. Good hair is a good thing to have.
Bubbles: Ricky, you can’t just say, “Good hair.”
Julian: “Good hair”?
Bubbles: It’s a back to school tip! You want to get a nice, new set of clothes.
Ricky: Comfortable clothes. A good buzz on. Definitely take a good buzz on with you.
Bubbles: That’s not…
Julian: That’s not the most important thing when you go back to school, Ricky. You want to make a good impression of yourself to other students. You want to wear something nice — nice shoes, a nice outfit.
Ricky: Also a lot of people that are going to college are dumb and probably shouldn’t be going to college. So when you realize you shouldn’t be there, just get out, go get a job. Like me.
Bubbles: So that’s your back to school tip? Quit. Quit school.
Ricky: Well, if you shouldn’t be there and you’re dumb, yeah. Get out and get a job. Start making money instead of wasting money.
Bubbles: You know, we haven’t done a lot of studying. I mean, I have. I got my grade twelve. We didn’t study very much.
Ricky: No. It’s not easy to study when you’re super baked all the time, so I guess if you’re gonna study, maybe not get so baked until you’re done. Maybe celebrate and get baked once you’ve done it.
Bubbles: See, I disagree. When I was in school that would help me study. I would focus straight on the words and they’d go right into my brain.
Nerdist: So, would you recommend flash cards?
Bubbles: Yeah, flash cards is a good time when you’re baked.
Nerdist: So, if you learn it high…
Bubbles: Yes! You’ll absorb it better.
Ricky: And find the smallest, smartest person in the class and sit by them.
Julian: The smallest, smartest person?
Ricky: You can see around them and look at what they’re writing down on tests and stuff.
Bubbles: What if there isn’t a small smart person?
Ricky: You’re probably gonna fail. Or I would have.
ON REINVENTING YOURSELF
Bubbles: Just get some flashy new duds maybe. If I was going out and I wanted to stand out, I’d go retro, get some MC Hammer pants maybe.
Ricky: If you really want to make a statement, you could try no pants. Just walk in, and let it hang — no pants.
Julian: You’re not going to go to school with no pants.
Ricky: Well, if you want to make a statement…
Julian: What kind of statement are you going to make wearing no pants?
Ricky: “This is what it is. This is what I got, how you doing?”
Julian: Why would you do that though? It’s stupid.
Ricky: I don’t know.
Julian: Go to school without pants on?
Bubbles: Ricky, he means like, you know, make a statement like, “Hey, that’s a cool fella! I’d like to hang out with him.” I don’t think people will want to hang out with you with your noodle hangin’ out.
Ricky: All right, it was a bad idea. What would you do, Julian?
Bubbles: Did you ever go to school with no pants on?
Ricky: I did once. I definitely made a statement.
Julian: You don’t even know what statement means.
Ricky: Neither do you, so shut up.
Julian: What does it mean? Statement.
Ricky: Oh, you think you know everything?
Julian: You don’t have a f–king clue what statement means.
Ricky: You’re dumb.
Julian: You’re dumb.
GIVING YOURSELF A COOL NICKNAME
Nerdist: A lot of people take the college experience as a time to reinvent themselves. What’s a cool nickname you could try to make stick?
Ricky: Trainwreck? Nah, maybe not.
Bubbles: What was the question? I totally zoned out there.
Ricky: Cool nickname.
Bubbles: They used to call me Flash.
Julian: Who called you Flash?
Ricky: Yeah, who?
Bubbles: Oh, lots of people. Just cause I was so quick back then. I was on the track team.
Julian: You were on the track team? Bubs, you’ve never been on a f–kin’ team in your life.
Ricky: That was Melissa that nicknamed you “Flash”, and it wasn’t because you were fast at runnin’. You were fast at somethin’ else, way too fast.
Bubbles: I can get down fast, yes. Like a sewing machine.
Julian: You talkin’ about bangin’?
Julian: Bubs, you’ve never banged. Ever.
Bubbles: Yes I have!
Ricky: What’d be another cool nickname besides Flash?
Bubbles: I don’t know. What’d they used to call you, Ricky?
Ricky: Nope, no they didn’t. They called me “Smart Guy”, but I don’t remember what the other nicknames were. “Fire”. They called me “Fire”.
Bubbles: “Smart Guy” was your nickname for a while?
Ricky: Yep, that was what they called me for a bit…
Julian: And “Fire”.
Ricky: And “Fire”…because I burned the gym down.
Julian: That’s a great nickname, Rick.
ON IMPRESSING THE OPPOSITE SEX
Nerdist: What’s your best piece of dating advice as people enter the new school year?
Julian: Date strippers. They’re cool. If you’re dating other women, banging other women — strippers are cool. If you can find a stripper, keep her.
Julian: Bubblegum? What the f–k you talkin’ about? Bubblegum? That has nothing to do with the question.
Ricky: Well, if you smoke a lot, you should carry bubblegum.
Julian: We’re talkin’ about bangin’ chicks; we’re not talkin’ about bubblegum.
Ricky: Finger exercises.
Julian: As in fingerbanging?
Bubbles: Ricky…you can’t talk about doin’ finger exercises while you’re getting ready for the school year.
Nerdist: Well, you don’t want your hand to cramp up while you’re writing an essay.
Ricky: That’s right.
Julian: No, he’s talkin’ about fingerbanging.
ON TIME MANAGEMENT
Bubbles: Get a watch, first of all. That’s always number one. Get a watch so you can tell the time.
Ricky: And learn how to read it.
Bubbles: It’s just a clock, Ricky. It’s a little wrist clock. You can read a clock, can’t you?
Ricky: What about that thing where there’s like a whole month on a page?
Ricky: You can plan stuff if you had one of those, I would say.
Julian: It’s a f–king calendar. That’s a given.
Bubbles: I should just teach you how to use a sundial, Ricky.
Julian: He doesn’t know how to tell time on a watch. Big hand, little hand — did anybody teach you that, Rick?
Ricky: The digital ones are easy. They just have the numbers, you know exactly what time it is.
Bubbles: Just like Flavor Flav.
ON SPRING BREAK
Nerdist: The school year may just be starting, but people are already looking forward to spring break. Where should people be planning their trips this year?
Bubbles: Wherever they make those Girls Gone Wild videos. That’s where I’d be heading. Boobs. Everywhere.
Ricky: Yeah, or a place where smoking whatever you want is legal. That’d be good.
Bubbles: That’s not really a spring break destination though, is it?
Ricky: It should be – I don’t know.
ON THE PERFECT BURRITO
Nerdist: What would be inside your ideal burrito?
Bubbles: That’s a great question.
Bubbles: Depends on are you high or are you not high? If I was high, I’d have different things in my burrito.
Ricky: Pretend you’re high. Extra cheese, meat…
Bubbles: Gummi worms.
Ricky: Gummi worms?
Bubbles: You’ve never had gummi worms in a burrito?
Ricky: No, that sounds actually f–ked. Maybe good, but f–ked.
Bubbles: Bologna. Slow-fried bologna, mustard, gummi worms.
Ricky: Maybe a bit of honey mustard or barbecue sauce. Pepper.
Bubbles: Chocolate bars.
Bubbles: Peanut butter cups.
Ricky: Bubs, that’s getting really sweet.
Julian: That’s a f–ked up burrito.
Bubbles: You just wait until you try it. Then I’d take chips and crush them up to make it crunchy.
Julian: There’s no f–king way I’d eat that burrito. It sounds disgusting.
Ricky: Onion rings would be good. Donair meat.
Bubbles: I bet you those Epic Meal Time fellas would make that for us.
Ricky: I’m hungry. You could get like an In-N-Out burger and put that in a burrito. I bet that’d be good.
Bubbles: Why wouldn’t you just eat the In-N-Out burger? Why would you jam it in a burrito?
Ricky: Because this is about making a delicious burrito.
There you have it, folks: words to live by…or not.
Trailer Park Boys Season 8 is now available on Netflix, and you can catch the guys in Swearnet starting on September 12.